Of all the topics I have in my A-Z, this is the one that I feel the least comfortable covering.

Let’s start with the basics. I’m turning 58 in June, and I feel like I’m 70. Between initial wound care and then my back problems, my mobility took a hit in 2023-2024 that carried into 2025, but I’m feeling less inhibited by my lower back. I don’t have a lot of stamina or endurance, my muscle tone has been depleted extensively, my core is really weak…I’m just not in good “shape” physically.

The only “plus” side (hah) to losing muscle tone is that I also lost the weight that goes with it. I’m down from a high of 350 to 306. That is NOT because of a sustained effort on my part, alas. It will go back up when I start working out, but I hope to be below 300 by June. I have plans for chair yoga plus the exercise bike and the Bowflex. I just have to get back to it.

For more outward-oriented fitness, I would like to buy a kayak in the next 18 months, but it will probably push to next year. I’ll go golfing a few times this year, and I’m hoping to get my scooter going. Plus more walking.

I have plans for cooking, although the contribution for health is more in avoiding eating out and cooking fresher materials than it is a specific health push for the meals.

But I have six specific issues I need to deal with this year.

My blood pressure has crept up in recent months, so I need to make sure my medications have the right dosage and make sure it stays under control. It’s the first number, not the second that is worrying me, while the second number is normally the one for concern. It’s an easy fix; blood pressure monitoring, check dosage with the doctor.

My diabetes seems under control most of the time, type 2, and right now, the biggest impact is on my lower legs and feet. I need new compression stockings, which requires a new referral and prescription form, which requires a visit to the doctor to get, etc. It’s annoying but easily fixed. For my feet, I had an ingrown toenail back when I was 19, it got infected, and they removed it. It grew back into the same groove and got infected again. So they destroyed the nailbed to theoretically get rid of it entirely and yet didn’t get it all. So I have a partial toenail on my big toe on my right foot. No big deal, looks a bit odd, but well, whatever. However, my toenail on the big toe on my left foot is not in great shape or growing in the direction I want it to do. I’ve trimmed, directed, massaged, etc. but I just need someone more professional to review things and tell me what to do. My GP agreed, I’m seeing someone next week, it’s not terrible, but worth having it checked out before it becomes something more egregious, particularly tied to my diabetes and that all diabetics have feet problems.

My sleep has gotten messed up big time in the last year. The mask I use on my CPAP has a wrap-around strap and it’s been annoying me on and off for the last year. I ordered a new one off Amazon, works fine, but I don’t have the same seal I used to get from the old setup. It seemed like it was part mask, part strap and part machine. The machine did NOT seem to be providing the same level of air as it used to, or more accurately, I wasn’t getting the vapour lock to force it to close my mouth all the time while sleeping. I played with it, it would get better, the strap would lessen, blah blah blah.

Shortly before Christmas, we visited the CPAP place to get Jacob a unit to try, and I talked about getting a new machine. Like the compression socks, you need to have a prescription to get one properly and to have it all covered. And the place won’t give me one without an updated prescription; the sleep doctor won’t see me without a new referral request; and so I have to see the GP to get the referral form. Sound familiar? Now, I know too much about billing issues to not understand what is happening. If I go to my sleep doctor, who prescribed it last time, they get a set fee for seeing me as a follow-up patient. However, if they get a “new” referral, they get more money from OHIP to see me. Hence the reason why they want a new referral. I am 100% a follow-up patient, but if they force me to get a new form, they get paid more to see me. Even though all they are going to do is ask, “So, how’s your machine working? Good, good. Here’s a new prescription to replace it with a new model.”. My sleep machine IS due for a replacement, almost 10 years at this point, it even has a message on the machine saying the “motor” is at the end of its life and the unit should be replaced. And the province will replace it, covering most of the cost. I just need someone to write me a new Rx. We put in a request for the referral, someone will call me, etc.

In the meantime, the sleep place gave me new straps for my headgear. I tried it once, but it didn’t fit at all. I ignored it for a week. Then one morning I woke up, was thinking about it, and went, “Doh!”. The previous headgear comes with two pieces on the sides that serve as extenders…meaning the strap at the back of my head only has to cover about 4-5 inches of space. The NEW straps are designed to go about 9″, way too big. Unless…unless…unless I take off the stupid extenders and run it from ear to ear the way IT IS DESIGNED, YOU NINNY! (Me, not you). And so I put it on, and whaddya know, the vapor lock came back. The other design wasn’t working for me as well as it could; one new strap later, and I slept through the whole night without waking up. The sleep data shows everything is working relatively well, anyway, but I feel more rested. The first week with the new strap was like heaven in comparison. Now I’m back to waking up. But at least things are in “motion”.

I have also noticed as I age that my hearing is not as good as it once was, so I’m trying to book a session with an audiologist to get hearing aids. Do you know that it is not simply “call and get them”? I have literally tried making appointments in the last two years at three different places and either got cancelled or fully ghosted. I don’t know if it’s a business problem, an audiologist availability problem, or the market is just saturated somehow. It’s annoying.

Level 2 problems have entered the chat

I’ve previously written about my fear of dentistry. Growing up, we didn’t have good coverage and we didn’t go very often. More for problems than regular maintenance. It wasn’t until I was an adult with coverage through work that it became more of a regular thing. I didn’t enjoy it, of course, not that anyone does, and I do have a really strong gag reflex, but you know, I got it done. I had an amazing hygienist for a while, kept me calm and didn’t gouge my gums. Oh, sweet bliss. Did some cavities, a bit of other stuff, all good. But doing cavities was hard with just freezing for me as the longer they were in my mouth, the more I would start to get nervous.

It all culminated in a really bad experience where I had a post in my mouth between two teeth, some latex wrapped around a hoop, and it felt like I was swallowing the latex. I had a full-on, no word of a lie, panic attack. I thought I was going to die swallowing the balloon that was in my mouth. I eventually grapped the chair arm, had the guy work on me for about 10 minutes and get everything out, while my whole body wanted to lunge out of the chair and do zoomies in the hallway. It was literal torture for me.

After that, I switched dentists, and she recommended I go the sedation route. I did, did some route canals with NO MEMORY of any of it, it was perfect.

Then the pandemic killed me for oral care. I totally changed my routine, and I did not keep on top of my cleaning duties. Not egregious, but not healthy either. Forget flossing every day, I even missed days for brushing. Anyway, back on track, but it hurt the status of my teeth and gums. I have two teeth at the front of my mouth that the nerves went dead, and the teeth have started to turn black. It grosses me out and embarrasses the f*** out of me too. I should have seen a dentist long ago, but well, fear and cowardice prevented me. Even with the sedation, I was afraid to go. Over Christmas, I had an abscessed tooth that caused me a lot of pain, and I’m do for a double route canal in two weeks, plus some cavity fillings. Great fun. Except I’m not even sure I can do it. I did an extra-long cleaning before Christmas, and even that requires sedation for me at this point. And I didn’t go “under”. I was awake the whole time, both aware and feeling what they were doing. That is not a good omen for the route canal. I cannot be aware for 90 minutes while they work in my mouth. I might need an actual IV to do this. Another dentist offered to do it over Christmas with just gas, and I was like, “No chance”. She even said she didn’t think she was up to my level of problems. (Welcome to my world, is what my wife would have said, I’m sure).

So there’s that. It’ll get done, I just don’t know what it’ll look like. I took a picture of the before look of my teeth, and I’ll share it with the after photos. Part of my way of facing my fear is to out it. However embarrassing my mouth looks, the only way to face the shame is to own it.

The next problem that has levelled up is mental health. There are a bunch of diagnostic tests that they do for psychosocial metrics around happiness, motivation, depression, etc. When I was in wound care, and having serious problems with my shins, something weird happened, and it made me a bit worried, enough to do the tests.

All of the tests ask about whether you think things are hopeless, whether you ever feel like nobody would care if you were gone, and whether you are considering harming yourself. Well, I’m fine on those. I’m not suicidal, so we can take that off the list. However, my wound care lasted a few months, and then I had a huge setback that put me back even farther than when I started. I was feeling old, I was feeling like it had no light at the end of the tunnel, I was in pain. It wasn’t hopeless, but it wasn’t fun. And when I went to see a special clinic, where the main guy is also a surgeon, I wondered if this was some sort of potential radically bad infection situation where they could consider removing part of the leg. Not likely, but I wanted a solution. And if they had said that was the option, my reaction likely would have been, “Okay, is this an outpatient thing?”. I wasn’t suicidal but I wasn’t feeling particularly protective of myself either. I wanted solutions. Today. I was not in a good headspace for calm, logical decision-making. But I spoke to the GP at the time, ran through the diagnostic tests, nothing scary, low to moderate depression and anxiety. Totally appropriate for the situation.

However, the fall of 2025 pushed my buttons some more. We had a good trip in the summer, things should have bumped up after that once we were home. But they didn’t. I’m a bit stressed about retirement options, sure. Jacob’s health is ongoing, mine too, Andrea’s showing signs of burnout; we’re all in need, so to speak. And I’ve noticed that many of my coping methods are NOT working as well as they had in the past. I wasn’t shaking things off when persistent thoughts intruded. I have lots of ways and techniques to shake my brain out of a wayward path. None of them were working, except the one that overrides everything.

I go for a drive, no destination in mind, just as long as there are lights, turns and traffic. I turn on some music that I like, and I blast the f*** out of it. Between driving and listening to the music, I can only keep one thought in my head at a time, and not for long. So I start daydreaming and drifting, driving out the big terrible conscious stuff that was bothering or nagging me, persistently, and just “being” in the moment. It lets me relax. No catastrophizing, no worrying, nothing but light driving and focusing on the road or where a song’s story might have come from or goes after the song ends.

Unfortunately, that’s not sustainable as the only working technique, nor is it good for my hearing.

As an aside, my brothers have dealt with similar brain paralysis and fixations. My brother Don was in the hospital at one point for an extended stay for his diabetes, and while he was in there, they put him on antidepressants and had time to properly calibrate the dosage. I had lunch with him about 2 months afterwards, and I didn’t recognize some of the things coming out of his mouth. He was talking about something that was frustrating him, and that would normally be the onset of a rant about the level of frustration. Instead, he said, “But there’s nothing I can do about that right now so I’m focusing on this over here.” WTF? WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BROTHER?

Improved living through appropriate pharmacology.

So, going back to those diagnostic tests, I was doing a physical before Christmas (related to a pension thing, but a good thing to do anyway). And I mentioned that, at some point, we should talk about mental health again. So we did the tests again, and I’ve moved from low/mild-to-moderate to full-on moderate depression. Still a smidge on the lower side, but clearly higher than I had been. I told him I was open to meds, if that was warranted, but I also fear them. Too many people have said they don’t feel like themselves on the drugs. But I need help.

The long and the short of it is I am now on happy pills. It’ll take a good five weeks for them to take hold, and I’m only about 2.5 weeks in. It’s a class of drugs called “selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors” aka SSRIs. Mostly, the drug is used for depression and anxiety, and increases serotonin to improve mood and balance. The first few days, the only noticeable effect was that it made me dizzy for the first few hours after taking it, which went away after day 5 or so. I’m a little sleepier in the day this past week, but nothing big or unusual.

Will it make a big difference? I don’t know. I got a placebo effect almost immediately. The fact that I was DOING something about it gave me peace of mind and I’ve felt less anxious the last two weeks. Is any of it the drug? No clue. But I’ll try it for 8-12 months and see how it goes. I started January 1st, so it will be easy to track.

So that’s about it. The dentist is worrying me the most; the rest is mostly noise to figure out in the next six months or so.

How is your health going?