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Poking the fear with no name

The PolyBlog
July 22 2022

I’ve blogged before about what I call my “internal detection system”. I feel like I know myself pretty well, having ripped apart my psyche at age 29 and stripped it down to the studs before slowly rebuilding it and putting it back together. I did it on my own in the sense that I bounced ideas off friends rather than using a professional-trained therapist, and while it should have come with a warning, “Don’t try this at home. Closed course. Unprofessional driver.”, the real outcome was that my internal system responds to being poked by me.

Take for example something really inane like, umm, going to a store and being upset by something that happened with another customer going through the line. Most of life is pretty obvious why something bothers you, but maybe sometimes it isn’t. In those circumstances, when I’m reviewing my day mentally, I might go, “Hmm…why did that bother me? Was it because of X?” And then my internal system responds. If the radar lights up, yep, that’s what it was and why.

A lot of people have this, but for me, it is finely tuned to my own vagaries. I don’t want to know that it bothered me that a person was rude to someone else, that’s more of a level 1 response, I want to know if at level 2, was I bothered because I felt it was undeserved (even if none of my business) and the person was just being unreasonable. Or perhaps a level 3 type response where I had thought the second person deserved SOME sort of response, and yet I thought it was too rude, but then I sort of felt culpable because I thought they deserved something. Or maybe I am reacting at level 4 because it reminds of how I interacted with someone in the past, etc. While I am more than capable of turning myself into a squirrel, I can work through the various deeper responses in about 10 seconds flat. I’m not agonizing over trivial matters, I’m just reviewing why something bothered me to see if maybe my body or mind is trying to tell me something else. Occasionally, I joke with myself that is more of an “emotional resonance scan” (borrowing from MRI and CAT scan terminology).

But, as I said, it works pretty well. About 95% of the time, I can exactly pinpoint what it is about something that is resonating. It’s not perfect, and I can miss stuff if I’m emotionally blocked for some reason (like with grief) or overly-emotionally invested in an outcome. But the rest of the time? Poke 1 — is it X? No. Poke 2, is it Y? No. Okay, Poke 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 is it ABCDEFGHI….?

A partial resonance response

This was a big week in Casa PolyWogg. As you will know from reading my blog, Andrea has been in chemo since March, going for back-to-back doses every 4 weeks for six cycles. This week was the last week, cycle 6. A big deal just for that alone.

But she had two other appointments on top of that, I had to go into the office one day, I was meeting a coworker for coffee while I was there, and oh yeah, I’m working on a huge report for work that needed to be finalized this week. A few other things on the list, but those were the main ones.

Yet as I started the week, I felt something odd. Fear and dread. Misplaced fear and dread, obviously.

So I poked myself…am I fearful of something with the chemo? No, not really. A small resonance, not strong, so likely partly related to it. Yet what would I be stressed about with her chemo? She’s already done 10 doses, she had adverse reactions for doses 1a, 2a and 3a, but that drug isn’t part of her regimen anymore, so no worries there. The remaining drug is one she handles fine, so definitely not a cause for worry. My body said, “Yep, totally agree, it’s not that.”

Okay, so I moved on. Is it work? My body said, “Sure, there’s a lot going on, need to finalize, it’s a fair amount of work, important stuff, but that’s just background noise. You’ve got this.” Okay, so not the work stuff.

Maybe going INTO work? Nope. I wasn’t looking FORWARD to it because I had to clean up a box of messy files to get them sent to storage, none of which were mine but I inherited them from someone else when I took the job, blah blah blah. Annoying but not anything to fear. And I was meeting a colleague and former mentor for coffee, first time in 2+ years, not stressful either. I was looking forward to it. I was’t working a full day, no batch of meetings, nothing to figure out for office space, etc. So not that either.

Something with Jacob? Nope. Nada. No resonance other than ensuring he’s doing SOMETHING each day instead of sitting on his butt playing video games. This week was a writing camp, last week was gearing up for mini-golf with a friend, etc. General parenting stuff, nothing that looks like fear.

I did a rough scan of other stuff on my mind, standard stressors around managing money, planning, my own health, but it was all noise. Nothing that should be producing a sense of fear.

Digging deeper

As I said, I got a partial resonance on Andrea’s treatment this week. Which, again, made no sense. It’s all good news, isn’t it?

She’s done six treatments. Her side symptoms for her legs and breathing are resolved. She would get her PICC line out this week. And her Pleurex as well (the side drain to get fluids from around her lungs out). All of it looks good, right? No resonance. Full agreement, there’s no reason to be fearful.

I stepped back and said, “Okay maybe it’s logistics?”. Was I worried about getting her to the four appointments this week? No, they were scheduled well enough in advance, I was pushing the envelope adding in some other errands on the margins, but nothing big. Not a scheduling fear, or worry that I would screw something up.

I wondered perhaps if I feared it wouldn’t happen? She had dinner with a friend last week, and two days later the person reported exposure to COVID. Andrea wasn’t sick, no symptoms, but when she notified the hospital of the situation, they collectively all went, “Hmm…let’s get back to you on if you can do it this week!”. A friend who went through breast cancer had commented about the stress of it feeling like the finish line kept being moved, but that wasn’t it for me, no resonance.

I poked the fear again. Maybe it’s not fear? Maybe it’s just stress? Nope, doesn’t feel like stress. Stress is a general tension, this was more acute. Like “run away, don’t poke here.”. What the heck? Maybe general anxiety? Small blip. What the HELL? A blip for general anxiety but not for everything else? How does THAT work?

When a blip gets louder

Okay, some sort of anxiety and related to her treatment. Huh? That made NO sense at all.

Okay, let’s unpack it piece by piece.

Big chemo on Wednesday, dose 6a. Anything with that? Nope, all good.

Final chemo on Thursday, dose 6b. Anything with that? Small blip.

PICC line removal? Small blip.

Pleurex removal? Small blip.

What else was she doing this week…oh, right, she had her final appointment with the doctor just before the last chemo to review her blood work and stats. Big blip.

Wait, what? A blip for cancer treatment, blips for final treatments, blips for things being removed, and a big blip for her bloodwork?

How could that be? All of those elements are positive. She was getting her final dose, the side symptoms have resolved, the tubes were being removed as not needed any longer, and her stats showed that by pure numbers, she’s officially in remission range. While the type of cancer isn’t curable, she’s ready to be declared officially in remission. Big giant blip.

Ohhhhhhhhh.

I know what it must be, seems obvious right, I’m afraid it’s not all done and I’m waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop, right? After all, tons of people experience that, it’s normal. Zero blip. I don’t disbelieve any of the tests. I don’t disagree that it is all good news. I don’t believe there’s another shoe to hit the floor.

Soooo, I’m just afraid…of the good news? Giant fucking blip, bang the gong, that’s it, stupid, took you long enough (my resonance scanner has a cruel, snarky side).

The fear that cannot be named

I realized what it was, poked myself, full resonance, yep, that’s it. I’d read about it. I’d heard of it. I’d never really experienced it before.

Researchers themselves have trouble naming it, partly as when they do see it, it’s part of a giant spectrum of situations, and most don’t know if it’s the same thing or something unique. Take child abuse victims who go through the foster care system, the proverbial “stereotype” of the outcome that you see in books, and TV or movies. The person comes out the other side numb sometimes, even with potentially anti-social behaviour. They then meet someone, the person appears to love them, but they have trouble believing in it. They can’t trust that what they see is real and not a giant prank from the universe, and so they run the other way. They have trouble letting themselves be happy.

Trauma specialists see it too. Soldiers coping with PTSD, unable to see a day when things will be better. Similarly for severe depression, the sense that things will continue as they are, that things are beyond your control. That fate will kick your ass regardless of what you do. That the gods laugh while man plans. Meds can help alter the way negative assumptions control your views of outcomes, but the struggle is real.

Those are obvious extremes, of course, and my role in accompanying Andrea on her journey is not so acute. Yet I knew what was bothering me.

It was all good news and I didn’t trust any of it. I don’t mean, I thought it was wrong, I believe it is true. Objectively. But subjectively, I couldn’t let myself trust it. I wouldn’t let myself trust it. Because if I was wrong, my psyche wasn’t likely to survive.

I feared hoping too much, too soon.

Andrea believes me a pessimist, and in comparison, I am. But in this case, I fear that what I’m looking for is a sign. Lots of people complete chemo, doesn’t mean they’re done. Lots of people have good stats, doesn’t mean they’re done. Same for the elimination of symptoms.

A release

For me, naming fears is my first step to releasing them. Once I know WHAT I’m feeling, and why, I’m not afraid of it. I can lean in, I can compartmentalize, I can stare it in the face and say, “Hello fear. What are you up to today?”. Emotional fears, at least. I may choose NOT to do that at times as I might feel it will be more destructive than creative, but I don’t have to hide. Once named, I’m good to go. Rumpelstiltskin, perhaps, applied to emotions.

And with the naming, I could unclench my jaw a bit. I knew what it was, and it therefore has less control over me.

Then, for Andrea’s last treatment, I joined her at the hospital. I was there for dose 1A, but for the rest, I wasn’t allowed in. To some extent, I know that made it seem less real to me — I dropped her off but I didn’t sit with her while she did it. The rules for visits have changed and I was allowed back in.

For the last treatment, the Medical Day Care Unit has a small internal ritual. In this case, it’s a small gong that you bang with a small hammer for your last treatment, the staff and some patients clap, you celebrate, and you head for the exit! Start the car!

The gong made Andrea release a bit, but then we were out the door quick, and as soon as we were out in the waiting room and alone, we both released completely. A long sobbing hug to celebrate that she has done it. She has kicked cancer’s ass, we think, and she’s done. At least for now.

Sure, the realist is still there. 3-5 years average remission rate, maybe 10. Still highly treatable but not curable. No impact on life expectancy. We had ice cream to celebrate, we’ll do cake on the weekend, a nice dinner next week, maybe other celebrations with friends and family in the weeks to come.

Yet I want the doctor to examine her in 3w (as he will), check her stats, check her xrays, check her bone marrow, and say, “Yep, it all worked as it was supposed to, no signs of anything.”

Until then, my stress is down, but the fear of hoping too much remains. It’s not rational, I know that. Everything says, “Hurrah”. But my heart won’t let my head and my head won’t let my heart get too far ahead of each other. I don’t know which one is lagging behind, doesn’t really matter probably.

I just know for me it is a fear of hope. And that is the second scariest fear I’ve ever seen.

The first of course is the fear of losing Andrea or Jacob. But this one runs a pretty close second in its perniciousness. But if Andrea can kick cancer’s ass, maybe I can kick my own.

Posted in Family | 2 Replies

It’s quiet. Too quiet.

The PolyBlog
July 5 2022

In a bunch of movies, there’s a scene where someone says, “It’s quiet.” And then ominously, someone else or even the same person will say, “Too quiet.” And then you find out that someone has been picked off by the serial killer or the kids are doing something they shouldn’t or generally all hell is about to break loose.

In the last week, three separate people have poked me on Facebook and said, “Hey. Your blog has been quiet. Too quiet. What’s going on?”.

The good news is almost nothing is going on. No massive bad news, no pending crises, no silent killers stalking my office. I haven’t been blogging for a combination of reasons. Some sort of Venn diagram where I’m in the middle of 5 competing circles.

Work has been crazy busy of late. I’m in an acting director position for what works out to eight months (complicated story in there of 6m, then 4m, then 6m, then 12m, then 8m in the end). The job itself is great, I would love to keep it, but that’s not entirely how life works, and life intervened heavily way back in January.

We’ve known Andrea has had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma for five years, and the type she has, they don’t treat until symptoms show up. Well, they finally had enough symptoms to start treatment, just as I was starting my acting assignment. A few people have commented that it was sucky timing, but there’s a small nuance in there that I find interesting. They generally mean that it’s too bad that Andrea’s in treatment while I’m acting director. Except the nuance that is missed is that Andrea didn’t CHOOSE to do treatment now, I CHOSE to be acting director. The “variable” is me, not her. The issue is more that I made the decision to accept the acting director position before I knew she’d be in treatment.

But I had already accepted it, and if I had only that going on — i.e., the acting position — I would have knocked myself out to compete in any and every EX-01 competition I could find with the goal of making a pool and giving them the option of making me permanent. But with everything else going on in life, I didn’t have the extra bandwidth to compete in processes, to try to become an EX-01, to “go for the gold” so to speak.

And I’m okay with that. I don’t belief in regrets, but if I had to phrase it in that form, I would say that I wish I knew Andrea had been going into treatment, as I wouldn’t have taken the acting assignment. I know where my priorities lie, and I haven’t had the extra energy to really give my “all” to the acting experience.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m doing the job. That part is okay. And it has been really busy with some overtime on a few weekends, or late nights after dealing with other stuff in the day. We’re working on a major report due to be finalized in about six weeks, and then it’s just lots of approval stuff. It is a lot of work on top of a full job, and I do have to keep the lights on and trains running on other files while we put through the report.

I’ve done 80% of the job previously, but that extra 20% has been an interesting challenge, and I’ve enjoyed it. Not enough to say I want my EX-01 level for ANY job, but if I had a chance at specific jobs that were like the current one, I’d consider it.

And, yes, my wife has cancer. So there’s that. But that is not the giant time suck for me that you might think it would be. She’s on a four-week cycle — one week of chemo (appointment Tuesday, chemo Wednesday, chemo Thursday) — and during the week of treatment, there’s a lot going on. Jacob has been having problems with his legs and headaches, so I’ve been driving him to and from school most of the year. It’s about 25 minutes over and back, twice a day. During treatments, I also have to run Andrea to and from the hospital (I’m not allowed to go in).

The first month, I just took time off for the treatment days. The next four cycles, I’ve worked part days since I’m sitting around anyway. But the schedule is a bit fluid at times, simple things like appointments running late, and so there’s a bunch of juggling…can I get Jacob to school, then Andrea to the hospital, and get back home again to have a video meeting at 10:00? Or if I’m picking up Jacob at 3:20, what time will Andrea be done in the afternoon so that I could pick her up and then go get Jacob or get Jacob and then go get her?

Oddly enough, it isn’t the chauffeur duties or the juggling that is exactly the problem. It’s the bandwidth required to keep it all straight without stressing everyone else out too. Some days have been more successful than others when it comes to that. Sometimes we’ve had to reach out to friends, but even that is not always the simplest decision. Andrea is the priority, obviously. So what I really needed wass someone to pick up Jacob, not Andrea.

But then we would get into the dance of “Why can’t Jacob just take the bus?”. And admittedly he can. But it’s also going to stress him out quite a bit, struggling with a heavy backpack after a long day of school, and often with gym class just before he heads home. If he is running around for the full hour before school ends, then he’s often exhausted. There’s a reason why he missed almost a third of school this year for problems with his legs or headaches. Blood work, massage, counselling…it helps, but it doesn’t knock off the possible issues very fast. And if I’m prioritizing Andrea, then I would be trying to get someone to pick up Jacob, AND then I would have to explain WHY, which Jacob is a bit sensitive about. In an ideal world, I can cover all the appointments. In reality, it’s a source of stress for me.

But also a source of joy. I LIKE being able to take Jacob to and from school. I’m the first to ask how his day went and hear his summary, not second-hand after Mom already put him through the grilling. Yet when I can’t do it all, I feel like I’m letting him or Andrea down.

Fortunately, I haven’t had to compromise on the home life THAT much. In six months, I think we’ve used alternate transport three times. Maybe four. Not bad. I should be just taking those days off though, I fully admit. They often are complete sh**shows for scheduling. But work also serves as a distraction too some days. For the first three treatment cycles, Andrea was having trouble with one of the drugs. And I couldn’t be there after the first time. So she was on her own, I was worried about her, and sitting in the car outside twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do was not the best way to ensure I was in the right headspace.

The stress level is pretty high right now, even as Andrea emerges from the six-month treatment period. She’s completed five of the six treatments, they’ve ditched the one drug she kept having adverse reactions to, her symptoms are abating, and her stats look great. She’s still pretty tired and sleeping like crap after each treatment cycle, but she’s three weeks away from being done chemo and seven weeks from being done her primary treatment periods completely. She still has two things to be removed for injections and drainage, and she is REALLY looking forward to those.

But she has weathered the storm with some chauffeuring support, love and emotional/mental support, and a lot of company. Mostly she’s done it herself, she doesn’t NEED me that much to DO things, she’s pretty self-sufficient. Yet, as I said, the stress in the house is still high. Jacob finished grade 7 and is now home for the summer. For me? That’s a huge release as I don’t have to drive over to the school twice a day or even make him lunch in advance. It’s a sweet deal.

Family outings take up some time too, in a good way. We’ve also tried to re-emerge from our shell — both the cancer shell and the pandemic shell. Andrea can’t see people inside, and we cancelled a trip to the cottage this past weekend as there were going to be way too many people there for her safety and our comfort levels. Probably okay is not the same as safely okay. And afterwards, one tested positive for COVID, so yeah, not completely safe.

Instead of the cottage, we’re doing some family outings. A few weeks ago, we went to a friend’s house and sat in their backyard for an afternoon. For my birthday, one of my birthday twinsies came over and we had Thai food on the deck together. This past weekend, we went to fireworks at Arlington Woods on Friday night for Canada Day, played board games, went to Chelsea for mini-golf and ice-cream, went to Wakefield to see the covered bridge, and went to the twinsies’ house to use their neighbour’s pool and sit by the water and relax on Sunday. We also checked out the Golden Palace for dinner one night, testing out the claims for fantastic egg rolls (good, not awesome), sweet and sour pork (possibly the best I have ever had), pineapple shrimp (pretty solid), lemon chicken (definitely the best I have ever had, even with a bit too crispy skin), chop suey (meh, it’s chop suey), and pretty solid won ton soup offerings (I’ve been without a good source since our favourite Vietnamese place closed).

We’ve played more board games in general of late, trying to go for a walk regularly, watching some TV together (White Collar, American Ninja Warrior, West Wing), etc.

Aversion to the basement also plays a factor. Soooo, just over two years ago, when we started working from home, I moved my office to the basement. It wasn’t an option for Andrea and I to share the big office upstairs when both of us would be on the headsets regularly for video meetings, so Andrea kept the office, Jacob went to the first floor for his schooling with a separate desk and laptop setup, and I went to the basement.

I’ve tweaked my setup over the last two years, and I have a pretty great layout overall. One complete desk for my work computers, a three-monitor configuration (two monitors plus tablet laptop). And another for my home personal computer, with two monitors, full keyboard, laptop to the right, plus my scanner, and a printer over to the left. I’ve tweaked it a bit here and there, added a new printer not too long ago, and it all works.

But the problem is that I am working so much that by the end of the day, I just want to go upstairs and get “away from work”. Yet that same reprieve of going upstairs is also the same block to going back downstairs. There are things I SHOULD be doing, most of the days I just don’t feel like it.

Blogging isn’t the only thing. I’m even behind on opening and processing mail. A cheque I got back from the health claim company last fall just went stale as I never got around to depositing it — and I have MOBILE DEPOSITS. I literally just need to take a picture and it’s done. Nope, too much like work. And it piled up on the desk. This isn’t just a “me” problem, we were behind on filing our taxes too as we knew we had money coming to us, no penalty involved, so not super urgent. Andrea’s “free time” of late, plus her need to file for EI, sparked her to finish those for both of us. My other mail? I cleared it out recently, but I’m still behind on a few key things. Including following up on the health claim stuff.

I just don’t have the mental energy to go back downstairs at night to do anything. Instead, we eat late, finish close to 8:00, and then I tend to vegetate in front of the TV for a few hours with Andrea and sometimes Jacob, or read. What I don’t do is go back downstairs to get organized for anything productive.

Which is a long way around to saying I’m nowhere near my computer to do any blogging. Occasionally, at lunch time or after work, I will check on my email or FB feeds. Not actively, but long enough to pop in. Occasionally there are questions about HR on Reddit and I’ll chime in. Most of the time, it’s snoozefest.

I also decreased my social media footprint, as I blogged about earlier. I am an analytical introvert, so I’m not the type to have thousands of friends on FaceBook. I’ve often held it to around 100 people, and earlier this year, I was up to about 125-130 or so. Then I had the “incident” with an exchange with one of Andrea’s friends that carried over into my own relationship with Andrea. I decided such a trigger wasn’t worth the risk any more and so I did a social media purge. I liken it to some version of a FaceBook divorce. I cut ties with 100 or so people, generally people who were more Andrea’s friends and family than my own, and left mostly just my friends and immediate family. But in doing so, I also have far less “interaction” options with FB too. I’m out of a few groups that had me tied to the computer, I’ve joined a few others, yet overall, it is far less compelling than it used to be. I catch up maybe once a week and scroll through, or if something pops up in my notifications, otherwise I’m not really on there.

I also realized that some of my past blogging was almost driven by my social media engagement. I would decide to post something, for example, and change it to being a blog post instead. Or someone else’s post would trigger a thought for a blog post, and I’d write that. I used to share comics and things too, but with only about 25 people in my feed, some of the people I would “tag” in my sharing are no longer in my friends group.

It’s strange, I admit. Andrea has posted updates on how she’s doing with her cancer treatments, and I don’t see any of them. I don’t know what she’s telling people, or even how she’s framing it. A number of friends have shared updates on FB that she’s seen, but since I’m not online friends with them anymore, I hear nothing unless Andrea happens to mention it.

In a sense, my blogging was an innocent bystander of my social media reduction. Some of the things I would “share” are now shared with a much smaller group, and even fewer are likely to comment. Which means I’ve even questioned if keeping my blog going is worth it or not. Would it be missed if I killed it entirely and just left my HR guide running? I could even just share that on Reddit, it doesn’t really need its own website. But I ultimately end up in the same place each time. I like blogging, I like having it, so I keep it going. At least for now.

Even if I’m not that active right now.

And I’m okay with all of it. I’m hardly “zen”, but I’m not too fussed about it. I do what I need to do, the lights are on, trains are running, we’re surviving. I’m looking forward to a few upcoming milestones…

Jacob is off for two months, that’s a big change for all of us. I’m pushing for him to do things with his friends, even if it means I have to run him somewhere.

Andrea’s last chemo is in another two weeks. That’s pretty big. Sometime around then they’ll remove two insertions too, so that will make her feel better too.

My work project will be submitted in mid-August or so, if not sooner.

And I’ll take two weeks off in September. The timing isn’t perfect for Andrea and Jacob, he’ll be back in school, but I’ll take some holidays before then too, days here and there, maybe a week if the project is done.

But the big news for me was that although I don’t continue as acting Director, I accepted a new job with the Provincial / Territorial Labour Market Programs in our branch. We transfer billions — yep, with a b — to the PTs for labour market programming and then monitor what they do with it. Another division is responsible for the policy files, but my new division is responsible for the operations side. I had possible options to do a coordination role like what I’ve done before; perhaps a more technical function with systems and data that has some ties to things I’ve done before; or the one I actually went for, the team responsible for transferring the money and monitoring everything they do, a pseudo-program manager / policy manager / stakeholder relations manager function. I’ve been managing small teams since 2017, except for the division I’m currently managing (13 but with two managers handling day-to-day), and my new team will be 8-10, so a step up in responsibility of sorts. I like the director and the director general, so when they had an opening and an offer, I said yes.

That was a weird week, I confess. I found out on the previous Friday that the job that I had left and was theoretically moving back to was changing, and while I had A job waiting for me, the exact details were up in the air. I was totally comfortable going back, giving it a go, see if it was something I wanted or alternatively could turn it into something I liked. But I thought, “Why not poke around?”. See what else was out there.

I’ve blogged before that the last time I did a big job search in 2017, I was looking for something REALLY specific and it was pretty demoralizing to have little interest or take-up. The current environment? It’s way more of a seller’s market this time. I sent seven emails out and had four pretty strong expressions of interest, with three of the four going almost to full job offer instantly. Within two days I had three offers that I could have pursued, but the one I took firmed up even faster. I wonder if there was some part of me that was like “Thank god, take something, end the extra stress of a job search”, but I didn’t feel that way. It seems like a good match with my skills and experience, I like my new boss, I’ve known her for a while, everything seems like a good fit and it is definitely a solid job.

It’s more work than I would have been doing in the other positions, most likely, but that’s not a bad thing. Andrea and I met with a financial advisor recently, and I may not be retiring as soon as I had hoped. Depends a bit on our own goals and the market, I suppose, but we’ll revisit in a few years. So a big file is likely a good choice, something I can dig into for a few years potentially.

Soooooo if I look at the other mental draws on my time and energy, the circles that are intersecting around me, blogging isn’t ranking very highly these days. I barely remember to log in and check email. I like to aim for “inbox zero” fairly regularly, almost every week, and my regular inbox has hundreds of unfiled emails sitting in it. I’ve read them all, I think, mostly on my phone, but that doesn’t mean I respond immediately when something shows up. And I do find it hard to remember non-pressing commitments, even when they are in my calendar.

Yet I’d say I’m doing mostly okay. Even without taking much time to blog.

I have a few things that I’m worried about. I am REALLY emotional some days. In the middle of reading a YA novel, the death of a character (think Harry Potter and the first “good” character to die) almost wiped me out. TV shows can create waterworks. That often happens when I’m really tired (I’m sleeping like crap) or just completely stressed, or both.

Equally, I had a weird-ass dream last week — I was lucid dreaming, half awake / half asleep, I knew I was dreaming, and then out of the blue, the phone rang in my dream and it was my father calling, as he was dying, to ask for help. What the F*** was THAT? I haven’t been thinking about him or anything, and that event never happened, but wow. That could mess with your mind pretty fast. It didn’t, I woke myself up pretty fast to move away from the imagery, but that was weird.

Some days I do feel it is quiet, too quiet. Like in some ways I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t actually think any shoe WILL drop, I just know there are a few out there. In the meantime, I’m reading more, hanging out more with the family upstairs, and spending a lot less time on my computer. In the short-term, that’s generally a good thing. At least until I need some “me time” with my projects. I have a 3D printer I haven’t assembled yet. My goal is to get that done before I start the new job.

Stay tuned!

Posted in Health and Spiritualism | 2 Replies

Tracking progress with adult merit badges?

The PolyBlog
May 23 2022

If you’ve browsed my blog, you likely know that I’m frequently obsessed with goals, goal-setting, performance metrics, and the all ubiquitous “tracker”. Almost all of them are in some form of paper or digital form for most people. They use bullet journals, Daytimer style tools, Gantt charts, to do lists, lists of other lists, trackers of trackers, dashboards, etc. But rarely is there a “physical” version of the tracker or success.

One idea I saw mentioned in a business article was that of someone who had created a Gantt chart out of Lego. For those who know how to use digital Gantt charts, the idea is relatively simple at first blush but can get really complicated really fast.

Let’s say you have the task of publishing a small booklet to hand out at a conference. And let’s say that you divide it into three main tasks — writing the content, designing the layout and physical printing of the booklet. For writing, you might set up some interrelated tasks, like brainstorming ideas, tasking, receiving, and editing. To keep it simple, let’s also say that you have three months and divide that time equally into the three areas, and similarly for writing, so you have a week for brainstorming, tasking, receiving and editing. All really simple. So much so that most people just use a list of dates to track that type of project.

Where Gantt charts come in handy is that you frequently have three other complications. First, suppose that one of the writers is sick and is 3 days late providing their material. That just ate into your editing time. Will you still finish editing on time? What if you can’t? A proper Gantt chart will allow you to simulate what happens if you have to slide editing back 3 days and everything in layout and printing slides three days. Easy peasy, likely no big deal. But what if you have a hard date that the printer absolutely has to have it at the start of the third month, they’re running so many copies and there are lots of other things to print, they absolutely cannot slip three days. If it is late, you won’t have it for the conference.

So, enter the second complication. What if one of the later dates CANNOT shift? You can set it in the software that the printing date stays the same and now everything else gets compressed. In your layout options, maybe your proposals from a consultant was slotted for 2 weeks, and now you’re down to 1.5 weeks. Or your approval time by managers drops from 1 week to 3 days. Something — or several things — has/have to be crunched to make up for the initial slippage in receiving the content. The Gantt chart will let you figure out where to adjust in order to still meet your deadline.

The third complication doesn’t necessarily apply in this simplistic situation, but what if in addition to the writing, you also had some graphics design to be done based on the content. If the article slips in the receiving stage, then perhaps some of the graphics design work which was supposed to be in Week 1 of layout has to move to Week 2. In other words, suppose you have an interdependency between overall content and layout but you have a sub-interdependency between one of the articles and some graphic design work. Maybe the work is early and graphics can start early; maybe it’s late, and graphics design has to start late. What do those changes of sub-elements across stages do to the overall timelines? A Gantt chart allows you to connect pieces so that say three “sub-elements” can be done simultaneously i.e., A, B, and C stages BUT A1 (content) has to be totally done before B2 (graphics) can start.

If something changes, a Gantt chart will let you tweak the timelines and see it visually.

But to go back to the example, someone did one in Lego. It is in theory the complete OPPOSITE of what a Gantt chart is supposed to do. While the chart process allows you to establish interdependencies and monitor what happens if something changes, you need to be able to update quickly to see what happens. A physical chart made of Lego? Updating it would take a lot of time and effort. Which in the example in the article was half the point. The guy who did it wanted people to see what happens when you change the schedule. A simple change of one day shifted EVERYTHING back. The update wasn’t simply tweaking a single line in the chart and everything was adjusted as no big deal. People could see the Lego Gantt chart being physically updated in the room and it taking time to actually process the change because one person was late. A little draconian, perhaps, but it was a physical manifestation of their progress. They could see it, even touch it. Sometimes they had people do the update together to get tactile feedback from making the changes.

In some ways, rosary beads serve a similar function. Working your way through the beads as you do the stations of the cross allow you to “track” where you are and what you still have to do.

I don’t want a Gantt chart made of Lego

But that’s just an example, it’s not really what I’m thinking about. Another example people use is one of those thermometers for fundraising. Often they’re digital, but in previous years, to save money, they were just printed and somebody would go colour in the next inch of fundraising to show progress towards the upper goal. A physical representation of progress.

Others use countdown timers. Like a stack of blocks with numbers that you remove as you get closer to a launch date, for example. Much like the classic drinking song of “100 bottles of beer on the wall”. Take a block down, pass it around, 7 more days to the app hits the ground.

I just bought a 3D printer, and I like this idea a bit, although more like some sort of symbol with numbers on it to show progress. I’m thinking perhaps 15 ducks to represent the 15 chapters of a guide that I’m writing. Each duck will represent progress towards the goal. How many ducks to go?

This is hardly new though, just a variation on lots of other progress markers. The biggest and most well-known of all are Alcoholic Anonymous chips. While I understand there are variations amongst chapters, most seem to give out a 30 day chip, and then annual chips. One day at a time, and when you get to 30 days, you get a chip to commemorate your string of days. Same again at a year. Research on this on the net is a bit chaotic as lots of people post stuff about AA-like meetings or stuff they heard from others at AA-meetings, not always a true “this is the one true way for AA to monitor progress”. It shows up in pop culture often enough though for most people to get the picture. Progress marked with a memento.

Reward markers

Lots of people set “rewards” for when they accomplish a large task as a way to motivate themselves. Lose 20 pounds, buy yourself that nice dress or suit you’ve been wanting. Run a marathon, take a trip. Give up smoking for a year, buy yourself a new car. It can work well if the reward is not too distant AND you choose the right reward AND you are motivated by extrinsic rewards. But some people fail because they set this impossible goal — they want to give up smoking cold turkey, no patches or help, totally self-will, and if they even have one cigarette in the next 3 years, they fail. If the goal is not something you can see immediate results towards, and have sub-rewards of some kind, the big reward is too far away.

Or perhaps you only think a good goal might be to buy a new car. But you don’t really want a new car, you just think it would be a good goal that someone suggested or you read about. Something big and dramatic. Yet if there is no resonance with you personally, if it isn’t something that will motivate you to change behaviours, it could be ten times as large and it still wouldn’t matter. Suppose instead that you are a gardener and have a small garden with this big rocky area in the backyard that you can’t do anything with at the moment. What if your goal was to quit smoking for a year and reward yourself by paying a landscaper to remove all the rocks and leave you a nicely tilled soil patch to plant vegetables? Then, over the next year, you might spend a lot of nights dreaming and designing and researching what to plant. Or finding the right landscaper. Maybe even, gasp, booking them in advance and giving a deposit. 🙂

A lot of people looking at that example would see it as just saving for something. But that isn’t the same at all. It isn’t that you are cutting back expenses in a number of areas to use the money for something else. It is stopping doing something that you want to stop, or maybe doing something that you want to start (like walking or running), and when you achieve some arbitrary goal, you’re going to reward yourself with something. The fact that money might be saved by stopping smoking is irrelevant to the goal-setting if the person just wants to stop. They may not even save the money, they might spend it on coffee or a daily salad, or sugar free lollipops. The money is irrelevant, the two variables are “stopping smoking” and “hiring a landscaper to make a garden”.

Equally, people can say, “Well, yeah, but you could just hire the landscaper”. Sure, you could. But by tying it to your goal, you are saying “I won’t just do that on its own…I want to, but now I’m going to use it as the motivation to accomplish that goal.” Forcing yourself, holding yourself accountable, tied to your personal goals.

Of course, the reward works better if the goal itself and the reward are mutually reinforcing. For example, suppose you always wanted to go to Europe and wander around. But you feel out of shape. So you tell yourself that you need to be able to walk 5km without stopping or getting out of breath before you go, and if you can do that in 6 months of walking, you will then take a trip that involves…wait for it…walking. The goal and the progress and the reward all mutually reinforce each other.

However, one of the most prevalent examples of reward markers has very little to do with the actual activity.

Boy and Girl Scouts, Cubs and Brownies, and all the other variations have something they do to encourage kids to engage in new activities: merit badges! If you go to the Scouting website, click on merit badges and peruse the current list, you’ll find 140 separate topics for earning badges. Originally, many were very physical badges. Backpacking, camping, canoeing, fire safety, first aid, hiking, lifesaving, orienteering, signs / signals / codes, swimming, and weather-related badges were quite common. I won’t comment on the history of Boy Scouts’ theology and the working premise of turning boys into men who could survive in the wilderness or grow up to be better soldiers or Christians. Or both.

In recent years, they have modernized. There are still lots of sports-related ones, expanding to include a lot of ones that you see at summer camps like archery. But they also have veterinary medicine, cultures, heritage, chess, coin or stamp collecting, etc. Even … wait for it … dentistry? Huh?

But the methodology for earning a badge has been relatively consistent over the years:

  1. Pick a badge to work towards
  2. Work with a mentor / counsellor in the club who knows all the requirements
  3. Complete the tasks required to earn the badge
  4. Demonstrate your proof of completion of the tasks to the mentor / counsellor
  5. Get the badge.

In almost all cases, every single one of the first four elements must be present and satisfied.

Which is a bit different from what I discussed above. The first element is the same (picking a goal) as is the third (doing the tasks) and the fifth (getting the reward).

But the second and fourth are unique. For the second element, instead of you choosing what the sub-tasks and requirements are, someone else has set the benchmark that you have to meet. All the pieces that go together to meet that element. And it’s standardized. Everyone has to do the same tasks.

And then the fourth is much harder-edged. Someone has to review your work and agree that you have demonstrated all of the work. Not just confirming that you said that you did it, not that you just claimed it, but that you actually demonstrated / proved that you did what was required. And then they approve you to get your reward.

For kids, those badges work almost like magic. Many kids are motivated to earn them, they like being awarded the badges, and lots of kids would get their uniforms for boy scouts and attach the badges literally as badges of honour.

I wasn’t a Boy Scout, but even I thought some of the badges looked interesting. For me, it was school badges. I always got one for academics and citizenship (the one they give to kids who are nice but don’t get qualify for much else). I got a softball one year for going to a tournament. A few others. But the one that I treasured the most was the one I got in Grade 7 for writing the Waterloo Math Contest. I can’t even remember if I wrote the Grade 7 one that year or the Grade 8 one with the other 20 kids (I was in a mixed Grade 7/8 class and did both math classes for mine and theirs, although I was only supposed to be doing mine). Anyway, we wrote, I never heard the results, forgot about it, and then come the end of the year, they were giving out badges and announced there was a special one for someone who scored first in the school and in the top 10% of Canada. I didn’t even know there WAS a math badge, and I had no idea who would have won it among the Grade 8s. Then they announced MY name. I couldn’t believe it. 40+ years later, I still remember winning and seeing the badge with Mathematics on it, the only person in the school to “earn” it.

As a small aside, I had a similar experience in Grade 11. We had two accounting classes, Grade 11 and Grade 12, and I was in the first class. There was an accounting contest across the city, we went to another school to write, and there was a really bright Grade 12 student who was planning to be an accountant like his father who was expected to do well. I was sent along for the experience so that I would have a leg up if I took the class in Grade 12 too. Fast-forward to the end of the day, they’re announcing winners, and the Grade 12 kid is in the bathroom being sick. Nerves got the best of him. Anyway, they announce third place, not him. Second place, also not him. I’m freaking out because I figure they’re about to announce he won, and he’s not there. Nope, our school won, but not him. I came in first. How? I’m not really sure. I didn’t feel I was on fire or anything. But they gave me this cheap little trophy, the only trophy I ever won in my life. Sure I came in first in math contests for the school, lots of stuff like that, but I never WON anything extrinsic as a reward marker. And somewhere in one of my little boxes of crap, I still have the badges and the trophy. I’ll take pictures of them later this year and toss them, but I held on to them for 40 years as rewards of something I earned against a formal benchmark that someone else set.

Reward markers for adults

Of course, as adults, we’re conditioned to think that doing something is reward enough. We might watch people win medals at Olympics, or compete in contests for ribbons, but generally, we all know they’re fun and frivolous (ribbons, not the Olympics). As adults, anyone can pretty much walk into any trophy shop and order ribbons or trophies or medals or whatever to say whatever they want on them. If all you wanted was a pretty ribbon that says first place, you could just buy one. The ribbon itself is obviously not the goal then, it is the process of earning it. It’s a symbol, a marker of your reward, not the reward itself.

It is rare therefore to have merit badges for adults. And yet, there’s a reason they do it for kids. It CAN serve as motivation or reward. A symbol of having achieved something.

If you’re on FaceBook, you’ve likely seen the ads for “The Conqueror Challenge”. The idea is, at its heart, a walking challenge.

And if all you wanted to do was walk a certain distance, you wouldn’t be interested. Do you want to walk 5K in an outing? MapMyWalk or MapMyRun or a host of Apple / Garmin / Fitbit apps can tell you how far you go.

But suppose instead you want to track a cumulative total over time. That’s a slightly different beast. Most of the apps and tools out there are designed to help you with single outings and they tell you how far you went THAT day. 3K. 4K. 25K. 10,000 steps. But few give you a tool to accumulate. They WILL often include some stats functions though that will tell you how far you have gone that week, month or year. In other words, tied to dates. It rarely lets you say, “start today and keep track until I tell you to stop”. More and more WILL let you add some sort of tracking “category”, so you can “hack” it a bit to get a sub-total, but rarely do they say “Okay, let’s set a distance of 100km and I’ll let you know when you reach it over several days”. I’m not saying NONE of them do it, I’m saying that’s more of an add-on feature from tools that were designed to track daily totals, not cumulative ones.

The Conqueror Challenge tried to disrupt that simple idea. From a “goal perspective”, it is totally a countdown accumulator. You set your distance, it tells you how far you have gone to achieve it and how far you have to go. But rather than you just randomly choosing distances, it created a bunch of set distances for you. For example, 46 miles or 75 km is the distance from Cairo to the pyramids at Giza. So, you can “walk” to the pyramids and it will tell you how far you have progressed. And while Giza isn’t a great example, which I’ll come to in a minute, the app also integrates with Google Maps. In theory, you can switch to Street View and it will show you where you would be if you were actually walking that route. A virtual simulation, or at least a poor man’s version of it.

I’m sure you’ve seen the various exercise bikes and higher-end fitness equipment that do it with a video screen. Sort of like a virtual golf room, you walk / run / bike / row on treadmills, exercise bikes, and rowing machines and the computer shows you a video on a computer monitor in front of you to simulate different routes and rates of progress. The faster you go, the faster the video goes. The slower you go, the slower the video. It keeps pace with you to simulate you actually going through that route. We don’t have a holodeck, and most people wouldn’t wear VR goggles while actively working out, but at some point, someone is going to have it miniaturized down to a simple pair of sunglasses. And then you can run on a treadmill and feel like you’re running through New York City or the Scottish Highlands or the Grand Canyon, without the heat.

For the Conqueror Challenge, Google Maps’ Street View shows you some of the scenes that you would see along the way if you were travelling that segment for real. At least, in theory. As I mentioned above, the Giza Challenge isn’t a great example as for the first 20% of the route, there is NO Street View. Google just doesn’t have it mapped that way. You can see a map, or a satellite image, or even terrain, but not a Street View. There are spots along the routes where people have tagged images on Google and you can see images at certain points near the route, but not the full route itself. Apparently later, as you get closer and leave Cairo, there ARE more Street View images.

Even without the Street View being available for every Conqueror Challenge, it does send you “post cards” along your route. Specific scenic spots along the virtual route where CC has sent you a picture and information about the area. Culture, heritage, etc. Not badly done. I don’t feel like I’m “there” per se, but it’s okay.

So let’s go back to the Boy Scout example for a moment and compare CC against it’s model:

  1. Pick a badge to work towards — YES, you choose something like The Giza Pyramids.
  2. Work with a mentor / counsellor in the club who knows all the requirements — Not really, the task is just the overall distance. There is a specific route simulated along the way but nothing much that you have to do.
  3. Complete the tasks required to earn the badge — The only task is distance, and you can pretty much do it anyway you want. If you want to do separate walking and count that? Great. If you want to count walking around your house or work, all the steps you were already doing anyway? Also great. Want to report 1 km for every book you read? Totally up to you. Want to “guess” that you walked 20 miles in under an hour of exercise? Up to you.
  4. Demonstrate your proof of completion of the tasks to the mentor / counsellor — Nope, no “proof” required. It is entirely the honour system. You “record” the distance but there’s no verification process. To use the vernacular from Scouting, while it is not sufficient in Scouting badges to simply “say” you did it, in the Conqueror Challenge, it is totally self-reporting of progress.
  5. Get the badge — even this isn’t entirely “true” because you don’t exactly earn it. You pay for it, they send it to you when you say “I’m done, send it to me”.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not dissing them. I’m just pointing out that there is virtually NO standard other than distance and NO verification other than you saying “Yep, I did it”. Some people count steps, others biking, others rowing. Heck one woman counts knitting. There’s no benchmark, no “tasks” to complete. How you figure out your total to enter is entirely up to you. Oddly enough, you can order a souvenir shirt, which you pay for and they ship immediately. But they hold back the medal until you record that you’re done.

I wanted to try one, mostly to see if the app or the process or the standards would somehow motivate me. Now that I see the variety of everything people do that they count, I realized that it is almost the opposite of a Boy Scout badge. There is no “standard” other than distance. And so loose on everything else that it may not even feel like others are really “earning” it. And if they aren’t earning it, is there anything TO earn?

As I said, I’m trying it and I’ve modified the way it works a bit. First and foremost, I chose the Giza Pyramids challenge (badge chosen). 75 km for distance (benchmark set). I’m only counting NEW separate walking (standardized house rules). And I’m publicly sharing my distance through the app and in the community (public accountability). I paid for the medal (and a t-shirt) so that I’ll get something when I’m done. Will I do other challenges? I am not sure. Hard to say.

But I do like the premise of a visual reward marker.

If you Google “Adult Merit Badges”, there are LOTS of humourous ones:

  • Netflix badge for only watching one episode and not staying up all night;
  • A piggy bank badge for having “saved some money”;
  • A cash symbol badge for having “paid with cash”;
  • Pants for having “put pants on”;
  • A dollar sign for having “paid bills on time”.

The dark side of “adulting”, not real badges.

Lots of service clubs have pseudo merit badges. Take, for example, the Royal Astronomical Society of Canada. While many clubs do virtual certificates, I’m only interested in physical rewards, and RASC has a pin for Explore the Universe, Explore the Moon, Messier Catalogue, Finest NGC Objects, and the Isabel Williamson Lunar Observing Program. Three others include no pin. They do however have the same requirements as a Boy Scout badge — pick a goal, review the benchmark, do the work, demonstrate proof to a certified Member/Coordinator, and get the pin.

Why do I care?

At first, I was interested in the idea of virtual badges. Things I could do to create a bit of gamification for my Reading Challenge. But due to some personal complications, I had to exit the RC. Before I left, I had designed virtual badges for monthly “rewards and recognition” as well as cumulative totals for reading. It was okay, but hardly “motivating”. I mean, really? Who would be “motivated” by a cheap virtual badge? It’s more “cute” than “motivating”.

I wondered though about taking the Conqueror Challenge idea — slick completion medals — and applying it to other areas. I actively follow online learning platforms, discussions of certification or micro-credentials, etc., and there are lots of forces at work arguing for disruption of the industry. And some people on the CC FB page talk about using the idea for other things. Like a medal for reading a certain number of pages or books. Could I do a Reading Challenge with ACTUAL medals instead of virtual ones? Monthly would be too much but I wondered about a year-end medal, or even a participation one.

The more I thought about it, the more options I saw. I recently bought a 3D printer and am just starting on that journey. But I got to wondering even more. How hard would it be to create some simple medals? The Conqueror Challenge ones are pretty slick, from all appearances, but is there something I could do to create a medal for some sort of series of steps? Maybe astronomy-related, maybe not. Maybe some sort of crafting challenge. I don’t know exactly what. I need some good narrow niches to actually work through what such a challenge and medal would look like.

Astronomy is a good candidate. There are lots of astro challenges out there, many of which seemed to have been developed by people wearing pocket-protectors, not comms-friendly outreach types. Not all, but many. What if I were to set up an alternative-style astronomy-like medal? If I printed it at my expense, but someone had to “send” me proof of their completion (i.e. against my benchmark) and they paid for postage, would I be willing to try sending them out as rewards to people? Not tied to an astronomy club. Not tied to being a Boy Scout. Not tied to age. Not tied to any other requirement. Just that if you do the work, send me the proof of learning, and cover the postage, maybe I could cover the cost of the medal. Of course, I don’t want it to look like crap, it would have to be worthwhile that someone would LIKE getting it. That might drive up the cost but I love the idea of an astronomy guide or series of guides for learning. Would it be worthwhile?

I’m going to do the guides anyway. I’m just wondering what I could offer for a reward to generate some online interaction WITHOUT breaking the bank.

I’ve also wondered if I could hack my own goal-setting. Would a medal be something I would like if I had to design and print it myself? That doesn’t seem likely. I think there would need to be some “surprise” factor so that I would “welcome” getting the medal as opposed to just printing one. Heck, I could print it WITHOUT even doing the task.

So, then I’m back to some other sort of reward. Like, for example, a Jiminy Cricket statue. I have one done in ceramic, painted by a friend long ago, and it is reminiscent of my youth. We used to play a card game called Pinocchio where you got cards with letters on them and you had to spell one of various words on a down pile to “collect” a card. The longer the word, the more points you got. Jiminy Cricket was pictured on the wild card, and my brother and I used to joke in other games about wild cards, or getting a good card that it was like getting Jiminy. It was an “in-joke”. Which brings me back to 3D printing. I’d like to print Jiminy sometime. But maybe I could “hold” back on printing Jiminy until I earn a reward for something. Same with Marvin the Martian. Certain models that I can only print as rewards if/when I accomplish some other goal.

Models available

For the actual medals themselves, there are LOTS of models out there. And by this I mean the actual physical choices and layouts, not the benchmark that goes with it. Sites like TrophyDepot, TrophyDen and Crown Trophy all have sample medals on them that they can make. Some are diecast, acrylic, glow in the dark, wood, customized (often for logos or special designs), or even ovals with medals that are “inserted” in the circle. The diecast ones are pretty simple designs, and might show up decent with the right filament in 3D, could even have some metal weights/fasteners embedded underneath to add some weight if necessary. The acrylic designs are really sharp, but they might be hard to replicate in a 3D environment. Some good examples for astronomy or reading though. And some other “insert medals” do an outside “container” and then insert a flashier centre piece, kind of like a plate/bowl as a container and then the real flashy part as the meal in the centre.

Pins get a lot more creative, and if I had a way to do multi colours, it might be a good option too. But I need to keep the colours a bit more mono- or duo-chromatic. At least to start. But it gives me some ideas to play with at least.

If people have other ideas, or suggestions, they’re all welcome!

Posted in Pondside Planner | 3 Replies

Not sure Darwin awards should apply to freak storms

The PolyBlog
May 22 2022

Ottawa was part of a big storm that swept through the area yesterday. Lots of property damage and five people died. One was killed in a trailer when a tree fell on it, two more were killed while out walking and got hit by trees, and then there were two that people are claiming were obvious morons and hence worthy of a Darwin Award. I’m not so sure I would cast a vote for them for such an award.

The logic seems almost unassailable at first blush. The risk of thunderstorms was forecast, and then in late afternoon, an emergency alert went out to all phones. Severe storm watch with risks of funnel clouds. So if you were out in it and died doing something stupid to do in a storm, you must have been a moron.

The two supposed nominees were on a golf course (man) and on the river in a boat (woman).

I’m far from being a strong knowledgeable boater, but I spent the first 20 years of my life around lakes and boats. And I didn’t have that same reaction to the boater death at all. And not just because I don’t like the idea of mocking someone who died and suggesting they deserved it.

Rapid onset

I was out shopping, saw the alert, but I never once thought, “Oh, I should seek shelter immediately”. I was in my car, which conveys a false sense of security to many of us. Literally, thousands of other people were out in their cars and got the same warnings. Most would do what I did. Assume that there will be a graduated ramp-up, some darker clouds, some early rain, distant thunder and lightning.

I’m 54 years old, I’ve lived through a few bad storms in my life, many of them in far less urban surroundings and shelter. But I confess I have never seen a storm hit so hard or so fast in my life.

I was at Greenbank plaza, with no real signs of rain or storm other than some darker skies off to the NW. I went into a store, picked up my shopping in about 10 minutes, came out, got in the car, and there was still nothing to say the storm was about to start. I moved my car about 200m to park beside a grocery store to wait for Andrea and Jacob to come out. And then everything changed.

It went from “yeah, it looks like it will rain before we get home” to “holy crap, I feel like I am in a car wash that is out of control” in less than 90 seconds. It was super intense and lasted about 2 minutes.

I’ve never experienced anything like it, not at the lake, not at the house, not in other countries, nada.

Boater safety

When I heard about the boater, my thought was the complete opposite of most people. If it had been a normal storm, sure, I probably would have thought, “What kind of idiot stays on the water during a THUNDERSTORM?”.

But, as I said, I saw how fast it hit. From nothing to chaos with no ramp-up. I bet a lot of experienced boaters got the crap scared out of them too.

As I mentioned, I grew up around water, with lots of time with small boats. At the lake, we would normally have a good 30-45 minute warning that a storm was coming just from reading the water or the white line on opposite shores. We’d wander around tents or trailers shutting windows, moving loose stuff inside, etc. Once in a while, we would have to rush to shut windows, but usually just because we procrastinated, not because we didn’t see it coming. If you were on the lake, and lots of people would be as fish confuse the darker skies for early night and start feeding, you headed in when the darker clouds started appearing on the horizon. With small runabouts, that could still be a 15-30 minute run home, depending on distance and the size of your motor. On the way, you would be watching the horizon, often hugging the shoreline. But your primary worry would be lightning, or getting soaked, not that your boat was going to capsize and you might drown. Which is what happened to the woman who died.

That literally never happened on our lake unless you were in a sailboat, and then you didn’t even really need a big storm. The tall mast was likely enough. Sure, if you’re on an ocean or the Great Lakes, you’re always at risk of capsizing, but very hard to do in simple lakes and rivers unless you’re in a kayak or canoe. Most small pleasure craft have flatter bottoms and low profiles for wind, and the waves themselves don’t get so high compared with the sides of the boat…a lower centre of mass generally keeps them righted. If you were driving like a bat out of hell in big waves, you could flip a boat, but it wouldn’t be “expected” just from a storm.

I have no trouble believing that a lot of experienced boaters got caught off-guard by the atypical rate of onset. I was in a CAR and felt like it came out of nowhere.

Alerts

Some people are pointing out, “Well, yeah, sure, but there were ALERTS on phones.”

Uh-huh. And an alert on your phone doesn’t do you much good if it comes 10 minutes before the storm hits and your 30 minutes from base. Or, more likely, if you follow all the pop advice out there about disconnecting from the digital life and turning your devices off while you embrace nature. Which a lot of experienced boaters do. Many deliberately don’t take their phones out on the lake. That’s the reason they’re out there. They’re not partying and needing a selfie every two minutes or Instagramming their flip flops, they’re disconnecting.

But I saw the alert. And if I had been on a boat? I would have headed into shore, heading back to our campsite. Yet with the speed of onset from normal “we’re going to get wet” to “we’re actually in serious danger” chaos, even being along the shore? I doubt I would have had time to pull all the way in, find a place to tie-off, and get under better shelter. I’ve seen nothing in any of the articles talking about how far she was out in the river or how far from her base, or if she was headed back. I am betting there will be several articles this summer in boating magazines about what to do if you do get caught in a sudden storm that comes up too rapidly to get to shore. Maybe she was within five feet of shore, maybe the capsizing caused her to hit her head, maybe she was trapped in the boat. I don’t know, but I’m not willing to write her off as a moron.

The other evidence we do see

My reaction to the golfer isn’t too far off that. I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt that they were too far out from the clubhouse when it hit to get all the way back. I’m betting literally dozens across Ottawa alone were in the same situation, but you didn’t hear about them, cuz they didn’t die. If they were walking and far enough out, even if they started back with the alert, they may not have made it to the clubhouse in time.

But while people want to nominate either of them, it is the evidence of the two who died while walking that seems the most compelling to me. They were both seemingly walking in their own neighbourhoods. Before the storm hit, or even when it first started, they were likely within 100-200 feet of a house. They could easily have stepped up on someone’s porch and said, “Hey, let me in, I need help, I’m caught in a storm.” But before either could actually do that, before they felt they were unsafe and needed to get out of the storm RIGHT now, the storm intensified enough to knock two trees over on them.

If two people out walking in their own neighbourhood couldn’t get to shelter in time, likely because of the rapid onset of the storm from dark skies to Holy Hannah, I doubt a golfer or a boater would have been able to either.

Of course, if someone finds their phones and sees him or her taking selfies in the middle of the lake or golf course while the storm raged around them, I’m willing to vote. Until then, it’s just sad.

Posted in Experiences | Leave a reply

TV shows cancelled and renewed for 2022

The PolyBlog
May 22 2022

I’ve mentioned before that I am a huge fan of serialized storytelling, whether it be in book form, television or movies. I like series. So, in a non-COVID world, I would anticipate the launch of new years to see what was coming up as premieres, try to watch all scripted shows to see if they were any good, or more pointedly, worth adding to my “must watch” list. From there, I would make a list of premiere dates, watch an EP or two, and decide — keep or ditch. There was no cross-walk between my decision to keep something vs. my prediction if it would succeed. Lots of shows hold no interest for me, but I can see why they might get picked up or renewed. Other shows I watch fully expecting them not to make it to renewal, but I’ll watch while I can.

And then each Spring, I see what gets cancelled to see if I care. About 8-10 years ago, networks stopped announcing cancellations early in seasons. Shows might be dead, but often there was no formal announcement. So, now, come spring, the only “announcement” is that they aren’t on the list for next year anymore. However, there are sites that track these non-announcements too, and one of my favourites is TV Grim Reaper. For 2022/23, there was a surprising number of cuts.

ABC

I rarely care about what ABC does. They cancelled Promised Land, Queens, and black-ish, but I don’t watch any of them. They renewed 9 other series that I also don’t watch — Abbott Elementary, Big Sky, Grey’s Anatomy, Home Economics, Station 19, The Conners, The Goldbergs, The Good Doctor and The Wonder Years. I gave most of them a try without much interest, although I confess I didn’t give Home Economics a fair shot (started later than the premiere) and passed on Abbott Elementary as zero interest in a “cute” comedy about teachers.

I used to watch A Million Little Things, but gave up on it earlier this year. Maybe I’ll binge it, but it was way too soap opera-ish recently with too many cliffhanger moments instead of the real conversations they were known for in season 1.

And yet I have no credibility at all. I like Nathan Filion and I like The Rookie. I fully admit that I have NO idea what happened to the last six or seven episodes of the season, don’t know if it was COVID protocols or something, but they had the “very special episode” for the celebrity cop who people thought killed his best friend, and then he disappeared. There was stuff with the defense lawyer, all leading up to him maybe becoming a prosecutor..,umm, okay? On again, almost off again things with Nolan and his girlfriend with the ex-husband / stalker / weirdo that was resolved way too quickly. And the final episode of the season was gunfight at the OK corral mixed with lookalikes for Chen and Bradford, leading to them having an excuse to kiss, with ZERO resolution of their case storyline at all.

But it got renewed so I’ll watch it next year, every week.

CBS

CBS cancelled six shows and I should be upset as I watched three of them. But honestly? Not really. I don’t even remember Good Sam or How We Roll, and while I gave United States of Al a try, it wasn’t particularly funny and I found too many of the themes almost racist. Certainly offensive in their attempts to appear not racist. Kind of like “we’ll show you that these foreigners don’t fit stereotype X, hah!” by painting them as stereotype Y instead. Umm, pass.

I loved the initial premise of Bull…weekly legal case, jury science to tell the right story with the help of having truth on their side so they don’t make it look too cynical, great. The plots were pretty obvious though, the twists telegraphed way in advance, and almost zero character development for any of them that reflected any depth. Sure, they had things “happen” to them, but nothing that led to growth of any kind. The one possible hook of a love story got kiboshed early on. And if you add in all the public drama with the series? Not very compelling of late. I stopped watching early in the season.

I’m mildly disappointed by the cancellation of B Positive. Not because the show was awesome, it wasn’t, but more because it didn’t live up to its promise. In Season 1, the idea was off the wall crazy that he needs a new kidney, goes to a high-school reunion and meets an old friend / acquaintance who was a party girl (she slept with just about everyone EXCEPT him), and she says, “Hey, you can have one of mine.” And surprise, they’re a match. (Don’t ask, suspend disbelief). But his little “nest” of friends were other dialysis patients. He’d chat with them, they’d interact, he geared up for donation surgery, and S1 ended with him good to go. There was obvious flirtation that might go somewhere, but it never did, it was ONLY season 1 after all. You can’t have characters get together in S1, right?

But then the obvious question. He’s had his donation. What the heck do they do in S2? Well, they had her inherit a bunch of money, a little corny, but why not. Then she buys the retirement home she works at so that she can run it properly. Cuz of course, the only reason a retirement home WOULDN’T be awesome was simply the intent of the owner. Uh-huh. Anyway, whatever. Down went the dialysis patients as regular characters, and up (way UP!) went all the retirement home residents as potential guest stars. With some amazing potential, great weekly characters. And since the main guy, Drew, was a therapist, they worked in so that he could be a therapist at the home to give him a reason to be there. It wasn’t a smooth transition, but it relatively worked. I missed one of the previous actresses who was awesome, but it was okay.

And then they had the “kiss” where the two mains had a kiss, but she was drunk, and he said no, and the next day, it was like it never happened. Standard fare. But then the show went wonky. They had no idea what was going on with Drew, he bought an RV, was going to travel. It was like they were creating a whole new show about her and the retirement home. Which if that was the initial premise, maybe it would have worked. But it was just one too many changes for me and I kind of faded. Others did too, although it still had viewers. In the end, they killed it. A bit of a surprise against traditional ratings numbers, but not a surprise overall.

I am a little more disappointed that they cancelled Magnum, P.I. Some of the initial series’ writing, the first half of S1, was clunky and amateurish. Like most shows, it takes a while for the characters to find their groove. The secondary characters of Rick and TC never did really hit their groove, although Rick came closest this past season. Katsumoto as the “cop” liaison for them was all over the place at times, a giant disappointment for watching Tim Kang. I loved him as Kimball Cho on The Mentalist in the original storyline and the reboot storyline. He was great playing restrained and even better playing a bit more open in the reboot season and a half. But here? Meh. Similar for other support characters.

But Higgins? She was almost always solid from day 1, and Magnum improved through S1, not bad for S2, decent for S3, and then nailed it for S4. The relationship between the two of them was fantastic this past season, lots of great teamwork that would have been awesome to see earlier in the series, a lot less angsty or silly, just two partners working together. They had a bunch of those stupid miscommunication moments more suitable for RomComs than a detective-procedural, but hey, you take what you get. There were still EPs with ridiculous plots, you could almost see who was up for rotation in the writers’ room, yet the relationship improved. All leading to the final EP, where of course, Higgins realizes she has feelings for Magnum, he is ready to tell her that he has feelings for her, and the final scene is they share a kiss.

What would have been interesting to have seen was whether the two of them would have had ANY chemistry together as a romantic couple or not. Lots of shows have put couples together and found out that the pre-coupling flirting and sizzle turns to “meh” later (I’m looking at you Remington Steele!), rather than finding a way for the romance to still work (yo’, Castle!). I suspect they wouldn’t have. So where it ended was probably the best they would ever have.

But I’m a little disappointed there wasn’t more S4 and less S1-3 examples.

CBS had already renewed five shows early (Equalizer, FBI, FBI: International, FBI: Most Wanted and Young Sheldon) but I don’t watch any of those so not much cause for celebration. I confess I’m still relatively shocked that Bob Hearts Abishola, CSI: Vegas, and The Neighbourhood are still on and going longer, but I’m not the right demographic for them, so my lack of interest is likely expected. Seal Team moved to Paramount, but I never made it out of season 1, episode 1.

I used to watch NCIS: LA, but stopped a few years ago, just for volume. I tried NCIS: Hawaii this year but it didn’t really resonate with me. Nothing wrong with either, just not “draws”. I normally have watched NCIS in the past, but with Mark Harmon exiting, I kind of fizzled earlier this season. Similarly for SWAT, except for it at least, I can freely admit the writing and acting are relatively terrible. It is NOT a great show. But I would normally watch. Right now? Meh.

The two renewals that I am happy about are Blue Bloods and Ghosts. I like Tom Selleck as the police commissioner, and Bridget Moynihan as the ADA. I’m less thrilled about the other characters, although I like them when they have larger storylines in an episode…I don’t like the constant jumping around. But Ghosts? I really quite like. I won’t say that I’m laughing hysterically, but I enjoy the storylines. I keep meaning to try the UK original to give it a go, but haven’t got to it yet.

Fox

I’m not Fox’s demographic normally, and I didn’t watch two of their shows they cancelled (Our Kind of People or Pivoting) nor ten of their renewals (9-1-1, 9-1-1: Lonestar, Bob’s Burgers, Call Me Kat, Family Guy, The Cleaning Lady, The Resident, The Simpsons, Welcome to Flatch, and Duncanville). It is likely telling that three of those are shows that I’m not even sure I’ve ever heard of let alone tried.

Andrea and I did watch The Big Leap and were enjoying it up to about EP 6 or so. And then they started dealing with the one character dying of cancer, and we decided maybe that wasn’t the show we wanted to watch to distract ourselves from her own cancer treatments. I kind of wish a show like that COULD make it, but I fully expected cancellation from the beginning.

I am pleasantly surprised to see The Great North be renewed. Kind of Simpsons in Alaska (or perhaps any family sitcom of the last 20 years but set in Alaska), it is fun to watch, some decent moments, but not a must-watch for me. More like “binge later”. Still, happy to see it continue.

NBC

I suspect of all the main networks, NBC is probably closest to targeting my demographic. They cancelled Kenan (okay maybe not ALL about my demographic), Mr. Mayor (that was still on????), Ordinary Joe (interesting premise but maybe too hard for some to follow consistently), and the EndGame (shrug). No great losses, from my perspective.

This Is Us was previously announced as ending, and New Amsterdam gets a half-season next year. I like NA, but it was too bonkers for me earlier in the season…was he leaving, was he staying, what is going on, yawn, can we get back to the medical question of the week?

But if NBC is more my traditional demographic, shouldn’t I be more interested in their renewals? American Auto (shrug), Chicago Fire / Med / P.D. (triple meh), Grand Crew (no idea), Law & Order / Organized Crime / SVU (future binge maybe) and Young Rock. None of them are “draws” for me. They should be, but they’re not. Just nothing to pull me in.

I also fizzled on The Blacklist this year. Maybe it’s the death of Elizabeth, maybe I couldn’t make the jump from the explanation to caring why they’re just a task team targeting VIP criminals, but I lost interest. Again, bingeable, not “must watch”.

And La Brea got RENEWED? How is that possible? The initial EPs were ridiculous. Maybe the storylines improved, maybe they caught the “Lost” zeitgeist, but I passed early on and I fully expected it to be gone in 4 EPs at most. But RENEWED? Really????

CW

Okay, here is where EVERYTHING I know about television goes off the rail. Everything they do is generally about generating enough EPs to run in syndication or sell for binging services. And based on their cancellations, I wasn’t their demographic anyway, with them generally targeting young 17-35 or so.

  • 4400 – Didn’t watch, but saw the potential appeal to others;
  • Charmed – I like the original series, didn’t care for anyone in the new one;
  • Dynasty – Gave it an initial shot to see if it had any of the charm of the original, but it didn’t;
  • In the Dark – Shrug;
  • Naomi – Shrug;
  • Roswell, NM – Didn’t watch the original, didn’t care about reboot.

So that seems good, right? Not my demo. Except I was watching some of their other cancellations. Batwoman, despite horrible writing and acting. I binge DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, agreeing with the actors that it took them 3 seasons to realize they’re more spoof than superhero show. And I was watching Legacies, which is DEFINITELY not the most obvious show for an old fart to be watching. Hogwarts for vampires, werewolves and witches. Angsty crushes. It was fun. Riverdale is ending next year, but I’ve not gotten into it…yet. I fully expect I will, but haven’t.

When it comes to the renewals, it is like they read my inner child. All American is Legacies with football instead of magic, but it’s highly watchable. Kind of a more soap opera-y Friday Night Lights premise. I didn’t even know “Homecoming” was a separate series, haven’t tried it, but I will now. Kung Fu SHOULD be one that I would watch just like watching SWAT or Magnum or the promise of Equalizer. I like the actress, hate the show. Same goes for Walker. I should be watching every week. Fights at the end of every episode, law enforcement, like the actors, and meh.

I really enjoy Superman and Lois but I try to watch it with Andrea and Jacob and it ends up being more of a binge one for me. If I was just watching on my own, I’d probably watch every week. Same goes for the Flash. Andrea and Jacob really enjoy it, but I don’t often watch at the times they are, so I tend to skip it and binge later. It’s also one of my least favorite superhero shows as it is too vanilla sweet. I like a bit more darkness. It’s not as bad as Supergirl, but well, it’s a tossup which one has worse acting and Supergirl was cancelled last year.

Yet the one that I’m most happy about probably of all the shows is that Nancy Drew is continuing. It makes no sense for me to be the happiest about that show, but I like their weekly mysteries and the lead is highly watchable. I could ditch a few of the Scooby gang and be a lot happier, but her as a detective? I’m happy. And I’ll watch the spinoff next year with Tom Swift. Or at least I’ll start.

Where does that leave me?

My watching patterns for current shows have REALLY dropped in the last year, spending more time binging old shows than watching the new ones. Of the 82 shows tracked, 28 were cancelled, with 10 that I’m not even sure what they were, which is almost unheard of for me. I try EVERYTHING. Another 11 were ones that I had tried and passed on. Which left seven that I actually watched. I’ll slightly miss a couple, but no great losses.

A whopping 54 shows were renewed, and again, 42 of them are ones that I really don’t care about. Of the 12 that I do watch, 8 of them are bingeable shows only, I don’t really care about that enough to watch. Which leaves only four shows remaining that I’m glad are continuing. The Rookie cuz I like Nathan Filion, Blue Bloods for Tom Selleck and Bridget Moynihan, Ghosts cuz of the ensemble cast and that it’s different, and Nancy Drew as she has actual mysteries to solve (and because they stopped trying to show us how grown up she was after EP1’s sex scene).

No great loss, and four that I like. I guess the bloodbath wasn’t so bad for me.

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