Tag Archives: family

Planning a wedding in six months – Part 2 – Engagement

The PolyBlog
March 10 2018

Of the 16 categories I mentioned in the first post (Planning a wedding in six months – Part 1 – Early planning), one thing that makes almost no sense at first blush is to have an engagement heading. After all, aren’t you already engaged if you’re planning the wedding together?

For us, the answer was yes and no.

As I mentioned in the last post, we kind of “decided” this was the year we were both ready and we would move forward with a wedding. We’d been together six years, were already living together and had bought a house together, but we hadn’t gotten married yet. Without getting too far into personal details, my wife is a lot younger than me, and while she was ready for the rest, she wasn’t ready for marriage and I wasn’t pushing. So I didn’t want to spring an engagement ring on her if she wasn’t ready. Then we decided we WERE ready, and we were planning a date, but she had no ring, since we kind of “discussed” our way into it, it wasn’t a “fun and spontaneous” moment.

You also might have noticed in the previous post, that one of my MUST-HAVES was a ring for my wife-to-be. I wanted her to have the engagement ring, to enjoy it, to enjoy the experience of getting it. Yet I knew it wouldn’t exactly be a surprise, so some of the “fun” part of the experience — the stories that people tell for years — was missing. And I didn’t want her to miss out on any part of the “wedding” or “engagement” experience.

Choosing a ring

Lots of people go and look at rings before they get engaged, get some idea of what the woman wants to have in terms of design, the guy figures out his price range (and then often doubles it), and then the guy chooses the ring. In many ways, that process seems fun and exciting, but as it will likely be the most expensive jewellery that the woman ever owns, shouldn’t she have a bit more say in it?

In our case, my wife’s aunt is a private jeweler in Toronto. In month one, we went up to Toronto, looked at a bunch of cut but unmounted diamonds, and basically freaked myself out. There were all these stones rolling around the desktop, $5K, 10K, $20K each. A couple fell on the floor at different times. I couldn’t keep them straight, which was which. We got a feel for what my wife-to-be liked, chose something approximately, and then my fiancée (hey, cool word to use! let’s use it all the time!) left while I chose the ring and mount. All good. The aunt said it would take about eight weeks.

After we got back to Ottawa, I had a small regret. Yes, my wife-to-be got to choose her stone and have a say in her biggest jewellery piece, but would she feel surprised when she got it in two months? Would she be excited? It bothered me that she didn’t have the “real” engagement experience, the fun part, essentially. And I started thinking deviously. What if we told her it wouldn’t be available until May 24th, but it was actually available May 8? We could slip down to Peterborough for Mother’s Day or so (and her mother’s birthday), I’d work some magic with the aunt, and I’d have the ring ready to give her as a surprise two weeks early. Great plan.

Except I didn’t tell the aunt it was going to be a total surprise on timing. So about two weeks before May 8th, the aunt said in an email to both of us, “Good news, we’ll have it ready for the 8th”. Dammit! I blew it. She now knew the date again. Shoot. No surprise.

Unless…

Unless I somehow got the ring from the aunt BEFORE the 8th, and didn’t tell my wife. Maybe by courier. It sounded like a plan to me, but the shipping with the full insurance was exorbitant. Hmm…what if I drove to Toronto and picked it up? Then I would have it early, and she would then be able to show it off at Mother’s Day. Hmm…would that work?

Discussions of logistics with the aunt proved it was possible, but how would I drive to Toronto and back without my wife knowing where I was? We work in the SAME complex, she would know something was up if I didn’t go to work one day. I devised a plan. I would take a day off, but tell her I was going to a conference instead. That way, she wouldn’t suspect. We got up that morning, started getting ready, I put on my suit to go to the “conference” (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) and then when she went to the shower, I grabbed some casual clothes to wear on the drive, jumped in the car and I was off to Toronto!

For those of you not familiar with the Ottawa to Toronto trip, it’s about 4.5 hours. I got there, had lunch with the aunt, hopped back in the car, and I was off again!

It was Thursday and we were going to Peterborough on Friday. Which meant I had Thursday night to get her the ring. Sure, I wasn’t nervous about her answer, but I wanted it memorable. I called her from the car, suggested we go out for a nice dinner, sounds good, right? Nope, she said we had some leftovers we needed to eat up. Leftovers were NOT special, was my thought.

I suggested a nice dinner instead, since I was already wearing a suit (supposedly, at least, for the “conference”, nudge, nudge) and I had just accepted a new job, a little celebration. I wasn’t looking for super high-end, that would have been suspicious, but there is a Keg Manor in Ottawa that’s in a historic old house with a nice garden next to it. She said, “Okay, sure”. She wanted to change first though, so we went home, got ready, headed out.

After the plan of “drive to Toronto and back in a single day”, I didn’t really have anything further in mind. We wandered around the garden, looked at some nice flowers. I was debating what to do…one knee? Something memorable to say? My mind was relatively blank (a common occurrence, to which she would likely attest). In the end, I basically said I had something for her to celebrate our “two month anniversary of being engaged” (March 8 to May 8). When I pulled out the box, I said, “this is for you,” (I know, really memorable, right?) but she was all giggly and surprised anyway. “How did you get my ring?”. When I told her I didn’t “really” have a conference that day, she was like, “You DROVE to Toronto and back all today? How???” and then she had the ring in her hand and it didn’t matter any more how or why or when. Jackpot!

And she got the chance to call people and tell them, and then to show them the ring that weekend too. Not exactly traditional, but it worked for us. ** Spousal edit: My wife reminds that I also forgot my wallet when we went for dinner and she had to pay.

So what was on my hidden part of the tracker?

  • Get engaged (Week 1)
  • Tell parents (Week 1) ** Spousal edit — My wife informs my memory is faulty…we actually waited two weeks to tell the parents in person.
  • Tell family (Week 1)
  • Tell friends (Week 2)
  • Buy ring – engagement (Week 3)
  • Give ring / propose (Week 8)

In most cases, people would only have the “tell / tell / tell” headings under their Must-Haves-For-Us headings. Of course, while we were picking out her engagement ring, we also looked at wedding bands too. Some people might do those under the ceremony heading, or here. As long as they’re being tracked somewhere, it doesn’t matter!

But if you thought you were going to get off scot-free on this heading, you’d be mistaken. Because there are a few other things that you might need to do:

  • Choose wedding date — Yes, we had a notional date, September, but with only six months on the clock, we needed to choose a date immediately. With a backup in case a venue wasn’t available. September 13th would be our date, screw the superstitions of 13 being an unlucky number;
  • Put an engagement notice in the paper — Some families do this, particularly if it’s a small town, it’s just tradition;
  • Publish banns in the church — if you’re in a particular religion (like Catholicism), the churches “publish the banns” (i.e. notices) before the wedding to see if anyone objects, again for tradition if you care;
  • Engagement party — Some people want to have an engagement party to celebrate, but for us, that was way down the list of “nice-to-haves”, and maybe if we had a year or two, we might have done it, but we pushed it off a bit (and later it morphed into something else);
  • Pay for rings — I mentioned you could track the engagement ring and/or the wedding bands here or under ceremony, but wherever you track them, you also need to pay for them and put them in your expense tracker;
  • Introduce the parents — lots of people get married and their parents already know each other well, by circumstance, by schedule, or by planning, but in our case, they didn’t, so we arranged for them to “meet” (there were only three, it was easy to arrange a quick lunch or dinner, I don’t even remember which…or was it a BBQ? ** Spousal edit: My wife reminds me went to a restaurant in Peterborough.); and,
  • Discuss any big questions that are outstanding.

I threw this last one in here because a lot of people “think” it is already done before they get engaged in the first place. But many churches suggest that before you get married in their church, you should attend a pre-marriage counselling. Think of it as pre-marriage boot camp. Why? Because they want to know and they want you to know that you’ve addressed most of the big questions that can lead to divorce later on. Like for instance, how many kids do you want? If you have kids, will you take them to church? How will you handle discipline? How do you feel about who takes care of them if Mom goes back to work right away?

I know, you love each other, none of these questions are deal-breakers for you, right? Until you trip over one that is. Wait, what, you expect me to TAKE YOUR NAME? You want FOUR kids, not TWO? Everybody is different. And something you never thought about could prompt a discussion you’re not expecting or ready to have with your spouse-to-be.

For us, we didn’t particularly feel like we needed that discussion to be with a religious leader, nor did we have one handy in Ottawa to do it anyway. Nor did we feel we needed anyone facilitating the discussion, although some people we know think it was a fantastic idea. Instead, we downloaded a bunch of questions off the net and we both went through and picked a few that were important to each of us. Then, over time, we discussed a few of them. Nothing earth-shattering, partly as we had already had many of those discussions earlier.

One that was an interesting one for us was last names. But not in the way you might think. For me, I thought it was ludicrous that she might take my name after marriage. I dated her as Andrea H—–, I fell in love with Andrea H—–, I was marrying Andrea H—–, and then she would be Andrea S—–? That made no sense to me. Or her, which was the important part. When someone asked her if she was changing her name, her response was, “Yes, I’m thinking of Elizabeth.” I’ve always loved that response. Now, don’t get us wrong, we don’t care what other people do, but it made no sense TO us, FOR us. So that was normal for us.

And when it came to the possible last name of our future children, we glossed over it at the time, but for me, I just assumed they would have her last name. So no real issue for us, and in the end, that’s what we did. We stuck my last name in as a middle name, but I didn’t feel strongly about it.

Most people get spontaneously engaged for love, which is exciting, but the actual marriage is more about the sober reflection side of life. And running through some of these questions can be eye-opening, even if only for the ways in which you discuss things and communicate. You’re planning a life together, this is a good little test for yourself to see if you can work through things that are a bit more challenging than what restaurant you want to go to tonight.

However, for most of the items above, the schedule is relatively flexible. It’s up to you to decide if they are must-haves or just nice-to-haves, and when you want them to happen.

Planning a wedding in six months – Part 1 – Early planning

The PolyBlog
March 10 2018

My wife and I are going to celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary in just over six months, and so this weekend marks a bit of an occasion on it’s own. We decided to get married ten years ago, planning on a short engagement of six months, rather than a long engagement, for a number of reasons.

First, everybody we know who had a long engagement (or at least from the time they set an actual date to the actual date itself i.e. not including those who got engaged but didn’t set a date right away) basically filled every waking moment with wedding planning. I’d like to point to couple x or y as examples, but that wouldn’t be fair to them, nor potentially accurate since we were only observing from afar. But for certain couples, it was just flat out stress. Over and over again I’ve seen couples get to the wedding itself and quite frankly, they just want it OVER. They’re just so sick and tired of talking about it, they want the damn thing done. I didn’t want that.

Second, I in particular didn’t want a huge wedding. So by limiting the timeline, we were also limiting some of the pomp and circumstance that would go with it.

Third, not for nothing, we’d already been together for awhile, I wanted kids and for me that meant within a marriage, and I wasn’t getting any younger. So a small time pressure. Yeah, yeah, I know, you’ll say lots of men have become fathers later in life, but I wanted any children to arrive when I was young enough to enjoy them. Some of that was personal preference, some of that was my past experience with my own father, but I wanted to be under 42 or 43 at the latest. In an ideal world, I would have been only 35, but that ship had sailed.

So we decided to get married.

For some people, that’s a down-on-one-knee sort of world. A formal proposal, hearts beat, time stops, there’s a shock moment, and then joy, kissing, etc. For my wife and I, it was a bit more relaxed than that. We both wanted to get married only if we both were ready, and we both weren’t up until then. Then, while exchanging late Valentine’s Day cards (March 8), we talked about the future and decided we were ready. We talked a bit about what it would look like (the wedding), and set an approximate time. September.

If you’re doing the math at home, that’s six months.

Lots of people were like, “Wow, are you pregnant?”. Umm, no, we’re just getting married in six months. Many of those people had planned their wedding over the course of a year and felt they had to rush things, and here we were embarking on trying to do it in six months.

Within 36 hours, we basically had the outline for what our wedding would look like.

We had some advantages. First of all, I’m a planner by nature. I make lists, I set goals, I think like a planner. Doesn’t mean I execute like a planner, but I think like a planner. I’ve taken huge delegations overseas, never lost anyone. Equally, my wife is analytical by nature too. Which means we’re fairly compatible in our approach to planning. I’m way more anal about it, but it wasn’t like trying to combine one analytical planner with one social squirrel. We could do this.

Second, we also recognized that certain things would have to change from a “average/normal” approach if we were to do it in six months. We agreed early we would pay for virtually all of it ourselves, and we would control the planning so that it was “our” wedding, not a social-business outing where we would invite a business contact of our uncle’s or a seventh cousin whose mother invited my mother to a wedding a few years ago. We weren’t anticipating such requests, but wedding planning does strange things to people. We would also keep the size reasonable. Equally, we wouldn’t be able to necessarily have everything “perfect” in terms of venue, reception, guestlist, weather, blah blah blah. We recognized there were essentials for everyone, must-haves for us, and nice-to-haves for us.

Essentials

We recognized upfront that all we really needed were me, her, an officiant, two witnesses, a wedding license, and a pen. Most people’s immediate reaction to that is, “Well, sure, but my parents and sibling have to be there. And a church. And a dress. And….”. But really, no, you don’t. You may get disowned without those other things, you may cause friction, you may not “live the dream” you had when you were six, but they’re not essential. A couple, an officiant, witnesses, and a license — these are the “must-haves” for everyone. If you have all those, you’re golden.

And guess what? You already have the biggest one. The couple.

Must-haves for us

For us, must haves were immediate family. My five siblings and their families, her sister and family, my mother, her parents and grandfather.

For her, she wanted a dress and her sister as maid of honour. It was a small mental debate as to whether her aunts / uncles / cousins were must-haves or potentially just nice-to-haves, but once we decided on size, it was easy to consider them must-haves.

For me, I wanted something during the day to recognize my late father, an engagement ring for my wife-to-be, writing our own vows, and some nice photos.

Nice-to-haves for us

If you look at the three categories, you’ll see that the first is generic — what everyone needs. The second and third have the extra “for us” phrase added on. Because tons of people have views about weddings, and lots of psychological scripts that people follow without really questioning if that is important to them. And then 22 choices later, they have a wedding shaping up with a bunch of stuff they don’t care about and all of it takes time and energy away from the things they do care about.

When you read the first two categories, did you see something big that was missing? Something TONS of people want/need/say is a must-have for them? A church.

And it is one of the two biggest obstacles to doing a wedding in less than six months. If you have to book a church, and more likely a specific church, there’s a good chance it might be booked on the day you want, or at least have constraints around the time of day that works well for the schedule you’re envisioning.

For us, it wasn’t a huge issue. Nice, but not a must.

The second obstacle a lot of people have is they often have a specific venue in mind for a reception — and equally, with six months notice, there’s a good chance it’s already booked. If those are in your ESSENTIALS or MUST-HAVES, well, you’re likely screwed.

And this is probably the biggest lesson learned of planning a wedding — the more inflexible you are on something big, the more flexible you may have to be on EVERYTHING else.

Getting the planning going

We did three things right up front in our planning.

First, we told some people. Who first? The same people who were our must-haves above. Of course, we wanted to share our good news, but we also wanted them to know there was a wedding in September so they would keep their calendars open while we firmed up a date. Plus it’s an easy way to find out if cousin Bob has THEIR wedding planned for the same weekend and just hasn’t told anyone.

Second, we brainstormed venues. We’re both from Peterborough even though we live in Ottawa now, so we debated a wedding in Ottawa vs. Peterborough. But, in the end, our lives are in Ottawa and we wanted it here. So what would we have available? A church? A chapel? An open-air park? An university venue? Hotel? Municipal hall? Legion? We knew most “big” places would already be booked, so we started thinking outside the box — non-traditional venues.

Third, we went online and looked at generic planning guides, lists of things that had to be done for a wedding, etc. and downloaded them. Many of them were aimed at planning a wedding in 12 months or even 24 months. But that didn’t matter, what mattered was coming up with a bunch of key headings to think about for OUR planning.

Here was our list:

  1. General Planning
  2. Engagement
  3. Ceremony
  4. Reception
  5. Honeymoon

Nice, simple. Useless, to be honest. It wasn’t too long before we needed a bigger master list, or more accurately, unpacking some of those headings into smaller and smaller ones:

  1. General Planning
  2. Engagement
  3. Accommodations
  4. Invitations, order of service
  5. Gifts
  6. Website
  7. Flowers and Decorations
  8. Transportation
  9. Photography
  10. Showers, bachelor(ette) parties
  11. Rehearsal
  12. Ceremony
  13. Reception (including catering)
  14. Brunch
  15. Honeymoon
  16. Thank yous

Those 16 categories kept us relatively on track for the six months. And they are the 16 categories I’ll use below to talk about some of the things we focused on for each one, although I plan to change the order somewhat.

1. General Planning

It might seem at first that a heading of “planning” makes no sense for what is essentially all planning, but it is about having some little tools for yourself to help you through the process. The list itself — i.e. the 16 categories and all the things under them — was the main item. Every time we thought of something we “wanted” or “needed” to do, it went on the list. It made sure things didn’t get missed. Which sounds a bit obvious, right? But the reality is that most people have multiple lists, written down all over the place. They don’t put them in one place so BOTH of you know what’s being done and when. I know lots of guys bail early on the process, some just don’t care as long as the essentials are met, but for me, this would truly be a “joint” project — OUR wedding, not her wedding with me as a guest.

So we set up an activity tracker in Word. We created a table of about 28 columns and 16 categories down the side. The first two columns were “categories” and “activities/tasks” and then there were 26 columns for the approximately 26 weeks up until the wedding. (For those in the know, you’re basically creating an informal Gantt chart, but that’s not that important to know). Some people just go with six columns (one for each month), but having the 26 let us plan things with a bit more precision (and divide up the work a bit better rather than a huge list each month). While the list might be long, the important thing is to figure out which week (or month) it needs to be done by or alternatively a good week when you’re not quite as busy.

The second thing we set up was an expense tracker, although it was as much a “payment” tracker as anything. It was a quick way to keep track of deposits, amounts, etc. and match it to our budget to make sure we weren’t going crazy. And to remember when certain extra deposits were due and to put THEM on the activity tracker.

We also put a third thing in this category, partly because it didn’t seem to fit anywhere else as neatly. We tried to think about what the role was of certain specific guests:

  • Matron of Honour
  • Best man
  • Parents (Mother, Father) of the Bride
  • Parents (Mother) of the Groom

Why those four? Because often those four groups will be the ones helping you on your activities. And while it wasn’t a concern for us, lots of people online noted that the sooner you figure out some things you WANT them to do (and give them a role), the easier it is for you to avoid them doing things on their own that you DON’T want them to do. Plus delegation is fun, didn’t you know? 🙂

Essential: A list or several lists (Week 1-16)

Must have for us: A tracker (Week 1-16)

Nice to have for us: An expense tracker (Week 1-16), roles for specific guests (Week 2).

Learning to drive

The PolyBlog
September 4 2017

Someone on the Lost Ottawa page on Facebook posted a pic of her old learner’s permit / 365 in Ontario (your learner’s permit was based on a writing test and was good for one year i.e. 365 days, hence the name) and it got me thinking about my own experience of learning to drive.

When I was in high school, I didn’t have a big desire to drive. Partly because I never needed to — my brother was six years older, and if I went anywhere without my parents, it was likely with him. Plus, most of the time, we could just ride our bikes wherever we wanted to go. And there was an element that while we had two cars, my brother had first dibs ahead of me anyway, so I wouldn’t have likely been able to borrow it very often anyway. And to be honest, I couldn’t care less about cars for the look and feel. Sure, I like the look of some, particularly a few you see in the old car shows, but the real specs or the history rarely excite me. Even now, I’m not looking for a car with a big engine or sleek styling. Decent transportation, some cargo room, a bit of power to pass people on the highway, and I’m more than satisfied. So I wasn’t the typical teen clamouring for his license.

When I was about to graduate though, and dating a girl who lived a bit outside my main neighbourhood, a car started to look a lot more useful for going out to the cottage or even just getting to different movie theatres or restaurants. Get your mind out of the gutter, it was about transportation. She was taking lessons, and her brother got his license, so it just seemed natural to go ahead and get mine. May of 1987, a few weeks before my 19th birthday.

I had my 365 for a few months, and did some practice here and there. I had driven a bit before the permit too, but always out at the lake on private property. No real roads, which was fine with me as we always had big cars and the roads were dirt, bordered by large ditches. Once I had my 365, my parents let me drive on the backroads to get used to driving, initially to the store and back, and over time, I was allowed to drive further and further.

City driving was another ballgame. Everybody was busy, so I rarely got to practice. A few weeks before the test, I got my Dad to take me out a few times, which I found nerve-wracking. He wasn’t super critical or anything, I just didn’t want to screw up.

And while I was learning to drive, I was often driving a big huge Buick or a station wagon or a full-size Malibu. Big vehicles. We had Comets and Mavericks before that, and I would love to have done my test in one of those, but they were long off the scene before I was doing my test. The night before the test, it was time to try…dun dun dun…parallel parking.

So my Dad took me downtown Peterborough. For those of you who have been to Peterpatch, you know that the main part of downtown is about 8 blocks long, with two one-way arteries — George Street running south and Water Street running North. So we went to George Street and started practicing. With the street four lanes wide, I wasn’t blocking traffic while I was practicing, easy for them to go around, and guaranteed cars already parked on the street to park near. Plus there were lots of cross streets with cars parked, particularly up around Brock Street, i.e. all good locations to practice.

I was a bit nervous about this part. I knew some people who had done their test years before and failed the parallel parking aspect, and had to redo the test. I knew too that recently some people had passed their tests without even having to try parallel parking. It wasn’t clear that I would have to do it, but just in case, I needed obviously to practice. With a giant Buick. Fun times.

I wish I knew then about the technique people teach now of pulling up alongside, turning hard until you’re diagonal with the license plate, and then cutting back in. Nope, just angle as best you can.

And I got it on the first try. I even impressed my Dad.

Three more tries, and Dad was bored. So we went home. That was my training.

I wasn’t sure what to expect for the test, it had been a few years since my brother had done his test, and like I said, I wasn’t really in a group of people bucking for their licenses at school, so no “common” reference point. I expected it to be a little more rigorous than my father’s test back in the war. At the time he did his test, you could drive with your confirmation to the testing centre for the actual test.

The testing centre was located in downtown Peterborough and so the guy told him to pick him up on the corner of x and y at 4:00 sharp. The guy got in, had my father drive a block and take one turn, another block for another turn, and a third block for a third turn. Basically he had him go around the block and stop next to a pub. He said, “Okay, you can drive, pick up your license tomorrow” and then he went into the pub. That was it.

Fortunately for all of us, it was a little more rigorous than that by my time.

For the test, I seem to recall borrowing my sister-in-law’s car, although I don’t really remember precisely. I just remember whatever car I used was smaller than the big ones that I had been driving. The tester had me drive down some side streets, take a few turns in a large neighbourhood, pull out onto a four-lane street with a series of stop lights, pass through a couple of busy intersections, a few more turns, and we were back at the testing centre, about 15 minutes duration. He said I took left turns a little sharp, and right turns a little wide, the same thing my Dad had said the night before, but it was all good. No parallel parking required, I just had to park it in a spot at the testing centre. All done. Passed the first time.

It’s interesting…I wasn’t very nervous learning to drive except for the size of our car. The big Buick just took up so much of the road that meeting anyone on the dirt roads scared the crap out of me, having to get over. But the part that was really interesting was a couple of people I talked to AFTER the test. They were really scared when they were learning because they have never driven ANYTHING in their life.

Huh? I had never really thought about it. I had driven bicycles, mopeds, motorcycles, ATVs, quads, different types of boats, and snowmobiles. Probably a couple of other things I can’t even think of off-hand, like go-karts. So, sure, it was bigger, but moving up wasn’t that scary, except for the size of our particular car. But for people who had NEVER driven anything in their life before? Not even a bicycle in the one guy’s case? Unfathomable to me.

Anyway, that’s my story. What’s yours?

My wedding speech about Panda Astronomy

The PolyBlog
October 30 2016

I’ve been promising myself for some time that I would go ahead and start uploading some of the stuff I’ve written, including papers, personal stuff, short-stories, etc. Under the personal category, if you exclude commentary on writing / news / civil service / etc., most of it is already on the site in terms of eulogies or tributes. One thing that is glaringly absent considering how much time I put into it and how important it was is my speech at my wedding dinner. My wife and I divided up some of the thank-yous, and so I didn’t have to cover everyone in the universe, but I also had a challenge. Talking about heavy emotion, particularly when it comes to someone like my wife, would completely wipe me out. So I had to keep it light, short in some areas that were a little misbalanced, and with enough pause areas and flow to get me through it.

For those in the know, my wife and I have initials that spell out “P and A” i.e. Panda. It’s our nickname for each other, and we organized our wedding around a panda theme — a panda logo, for example.

Logo

And I wanted a theme that would allow me some flow to the speech, I like astronomy, and a couple of the sub-sections lent themselves to talking about stars and universes, so I force fit it into a larger “panda astronomy” storyline. Here it is…

Introduction

I’d like to begin by saying I’m a man of few words.

No, seriously, it’s true – I have a small vocabulary, I just tend to use the same ones over and over a lot.

Instead, I do need to begin by telling you that there is something that is not in any of the speeches tonight, and that is reference to my father. After seeing Aunt Marnie wipe out an entire room at Bruce and Jenn’s wedding with a warm and loving speech, and the fact that I cried all through my father’s eulogy, there is no chance that I will get through the speeches tonight if we refer to my father. Instead, my brothers Mike and Will are going to help us out with a toast later to those who couldn’t be with us tonight. Thanks guys!

So, as I start the speech,  I want to introduce you to a little known field of study called PandA astronomy. Little is known publicly about it, and tonight I will reveal all. If you get bored, well, unfortunately, it’s my wedding.

I’ve got the microphone.

I aspire to be a writer.

You’re trapped on a boat.

In summary, it sucks to be you.

Chapter 1: Stars that dance in the sky

As you prepare for a wedding, you all know there are hundreds of decisions and one early one that is quite fundamental.

And it is quite difficult. I mean, you know how you feel today, and what your choice would be. But how will you feel months from now? You have to decide, but some doubt remains, it’s only natural. It’s a huge decision.

So you consult with friends and family, those who went before you. How did you know? When did you know? Did you both know at the same time or did one help the other make up their mind?

Even after the choice is made, you must wait. But if there is one thing that Sadler men are known for, it must be patience. I’m sure Sadler women would agree? So you’re patient, you trust in your instincts. You may even take a test drive, kick the tires as Uncle Rod described it. But eventually, the test drive ends.

Then the big day arrives. You’re standing there like a deer in the headlights. The big question looming before you:

Carrot or lemon cake?

Fortunately, Andrea and I got to have both. I hope your cake was as good as ours, and feel free as you mingle around afterwards to thank our two bright stars that dance in the sky, Izabella and Natalie, who made all our cakes tonight. Thanks to them, and to Bill, for putting up with us stealing them away for the last couple of months.

Chapter 2: Black holes

There are Black Holes in PandA astronomy. Black holes of responsibility. Gravity wells that suck in all the blame. The black hole even has a name – Stephan.

It was Stephan who…

  • was already friends with Andrea;
  • who got to know us both, worming his way into our confidence; and,
  • who decided that both of us were nice and that nice people should lunch together.

It was all Stephan…we were puppets controlled by the puppetmaster.

So, from now until eternity, everything is Stephan’s fault.

  • If I don’t do the laundry for a couple of weeks, blame Stephan;
  • If I forget to put down the toiler seat, blame Stephan.
  • If Andrea accidentally noggins a power bar, blame Stephan; and,
  • If Andrea hipchecks me on the side of my leg where I already have a giant bruise, blame Stephan.

So we want to thank our black hole, Stephan, for allowing us to blame him for everything. It really does make life much easier in general.

Chapter 3: Orbiting moons

There are moons that orbit and affect the main planets in the Panda universe.

For example:

  • today we had escort moons – Bruce, Don and Liam – who helped seat everyone;
  • we have speaking moons – Sharon, Mike and Bill who are helping with toasts;
  • my sister Marie is a moon with a somewhat elliptical orbit, intersecting lots of other moons, as she has been helping out with things from the beginning;
  • There are Carnivore Moons who joined me for golf and steaks! The poor cow never stood a chance;
  • We have also had a lot of friend moons who advised us, put up with us, and who are still speaking to us!

While Andrea has already thanked some of you, I just want to say that your pull on our orbits is definitely felt and appreciated.

Chapter 4: Star Clusters

In PandA Astronomy, we have star clusters – ones that almost always appear in groups.

First, there are the Hortons:

  • Doug, it’s been great getting to know you over the last few years, and I hope Andrea and I can follow your path to happiness;
  • We saw Aunt Barb last night, but we don’t see her near enough;
  • Some others like Beth and Jim, Matt and Kerry couldn’t make it;
  • But Keith and Jenny are apparently insane and think that a drive from BC to Ontario is an afternoon jaunt.

Then there are the Malcolms:

  • A quiet, unassuming family.
  • Shy almost. Withdrawn even.

My family got to meet most of them at the engagement party that the uncles and aunts put together for us, with great food and guests and presents, oh my!

But you can’t talk about the Malcolms without talking about the cousins – let’s see, I need to check my math here:

  • There’s the old cousin, the tall cousin, the younger cousin, three Inglewoods;
  • Multiply by the teachers, add in a doctor;
  • Carry the Whitaker, start a new Paige;
  • Double check Snuffalupugus;
  • Tick off a few more names;

So, if my math is correct, I’m not sure, but I think it comes to …

a CRAPLOAD of cousins.

And like star clusters, you never get one or two, you always get a bunch of them. And most of them are all quite sporty.

  • Down-hill skiing, water skiing;
  • Bicycling, marathons, swimming, kayaking, canoeing;
  • Rafting, rowing, ultimate, rugby; and,
  • Some more extreme sports like adventure racing or teaching.

But I know what you’re thinking: Paul should have no trouble fitting in. Because when all of you met me, I’m sure the same word went through your mind… athlete.

Oh, sure, there were other words. Like “Non-athlete” or “Not much of an athlete”. But athlete was in there, somewhere.

And I met them all at once. At a wedding, no less. Bruce and Jenn’s wedding to be exact. As an aside, for the friends who were disturbed to hear me talk about great bridesmaids dresses that I saw at a wedding in Toronto, those were Jenn’s attendants. So I want to say a special thank you for Bruce and Jenn…Six years ago, you had a tight venue with an equally tight guest list. When Andrea wanted to bring me, I’m sure someone asked “Who is this yahoo? He works at CIDA? Holy crap, he’s going to be some granola-eating Birkenstock-wearing hippie!”. But in true Malcolm fashion, you overlooked those challenges and found a way to include me.

Tonight even marks a special occasion for Bruce, one he probably doesn’t even know. After years of being teased, he no longer has to be the oldest of the group of cousins. Just don’t trip over my walker when you’re dancing. So, for Bruce & Jenn, we have set aside our fourth dance tonight and invite anyone who has gotten married in the last six years to join them.

Thanks to all the Malcolms for finding room for one more.

Chapter 5: Orbiting Planets and Dwarf Planets

As I look over the new extended family today, I think one of the phrases that comes to mind is, “Oh, great. More siblings”.

For my brothers, I admit I’ve been pretty lucky and each has their own unique story:

  • For Don, it is one really long weekend at the cottage where the radio only seemed to get one song – “Walk Like an Egyptian” by the Bangles;
  • For Mike, it is having dinner at the Elephant and Castle, having a long emotional conversation about family, and meeting his Base Commander with tears rolling down our faces;
  • For the brother formerly known as Bill, it would be doing stockings for Mom and Dad – or dart guns, or the elephant gun that shot those red balls, or just the fact that you let me tag along with you when I was a kid and never sent me home;
  • For Ken, it would have to be the shark dive, hands down; and,
  • For Bob, oddly enough, it is simply walking back to the store to get a package of gum that we didn’t even need on the day of my father’s wake.

Feel free as you mingle later to ask them about those stories.

I get another brother today, and the bar is pretty high, Dean. But you know what? You get to be the smarter brother. Oh sure, there’s a long odyssey about Dean, Andrea and I heading to the cottage one weekend with Dean navigating, and us ending up at the Haliburton Family Restaurant. But that’s not the story that I’m going to tell. One day, we were driving down the 417 with me in the backseat and Andrea in the front seat beside Dean, and like all good brothers, I was razzing him. We were talking about dating the Horton girls, and I teasingly said, “Yes, but I got the better sister.”

Dean opened his mouth to respond, and then he stopped. He said, “Dude, there’s nothing I can say to that. I can either slam my girlfriend or my future sister!”

I can tell you, most guys would not spot that trap. They would have walked into it flailing wildly. But Dean, the smart one, said nothing. And that is the reason we wanted him to be MC tonight. To show he’s plenty smart.

Just don’t ask for directions or how many letters there are in the alphabet. But he’s plenty smart.

He did, after all, manage to snag Becky, my new sister.

When Becky and Dean got married, Andrea talked in her speech about how Becky was crazy, emotional and violent. And I remember thinking, “Wow, now that’s efficient.”

I too have sisters who are crazy, emotional and violent, but they’ve divided up those responsibilities. I won’t say which is which, because Megan and Stephanie may not know that their mom Marie is crazy. And the emotional one Carolee is in Europe tonight and so she can’t cry in her own defense. And well, the old violent one Sharon who started the toasts might come up and swat me.

I’m happy to have Becky join the rank of sisters, including as our sister-of-honour today, but unfortunately, Becky, well, you get me as a brother. And I just want to say, “If you’re talking to my sisters, don’t believe them! They lie!”

Sure, Andrea got the better deal having Dean for a brother, than you do getting me, but well, I promise I’ll be the best brother you ever have! So, in that vein, Becky gets to be the sister with low standards for brothers!

In the PandA world, all these siblings are like orbiting planets. Sometimes leading, sometimes following, but always around. They’ve even added a dozen or so dwarf planets, with the extended family of nieces and nephews who helped out with a variety of tasks today like decorations and photography.

And let’s not forget the newest addition to the nieces, Grace, who was in charge of cuteness at the ceremony! Of course, with Grace around, there’s a reason why we didn’t ask Dean to help out with photos – we were kind of hoping Andrea and I would be in a couple of them – and he doesn’t take pictures of other people anymore.

So, thanks to all the orbiting planets and dwarf planets swirling around.

Chapter 6: Binary Star Systems

For those who don’t know, this means TWO STARS in the same system. For most prospective suitors, meeting the bride’s parents and getting to know them might seem intimidating. After all, these are your future in-laws.

But Ron & Marney are not much older than my sister Sharon. Not old enough to need to break a hip yet, but not likely to start wrestling me if they don’t think I’m good enough for their daughter.

Marney, you’ve welcomed me into your home and your family. You’ve raised a beautiful daughter who inspires me everyday. And if that weren’t enough, you even take me as a bridge partner.

Ron, I appreciate that you have never tried to intimidate as my future father-in-law. I have, after all, seen you golf. But as Andrea and I formalize our lives today, I don’t want you to think of it as losing a daughter so much as gaining space in your basement. Some day. And I promise not to beat you at golf until you qualify for the seniors’ tournament.

Chapter 7: An Anchoring Sun

Like any solar system, the “P” system includes an anchoring sun in the centre, my Mom. When I was writing my speech, I considered a lot of things to talk about…

  • The way my Mom makes tenderloin when I come home.
  • All the times she’s made pumpkin pies or peanut butter cookies.
  • Playing euchre
  • Garage sales
  • Salt and pepper shakers
  • Needing on-ramps into conversations.

Or the fact that I’m the golden child, the baby, the spoiled little brat that…oh wait, I think that’s Mike’s speech I’m reading. Hmm.

Instead, I’ve decided to tell you a different story. Some of the friends here are part of my monthly movie group called “Mid-Month Movie Madness”. It’s a group that I organize to go to the movies once a month, or at least I do when I’m not organizing a wedding! And I do it because my mom gave me a love for movies.

The year was 1972. I was four! And my mother took me to see a movie. A classic. It isn’t even available on DVD. Most of the actors, directors, producers never worked again. But in the summer of 1972, my mom took me to the theatres in downtown Peterborough.

I had to hold her hand as we walked down the busy street …

I know I got a drink. I think I even got popcorn.

We sat down and the lights dimmed.

And we watched…wait for it…The Lives and Times of Grizzly Addams.

Do I remember the plot? Nope. But you know what it had? BEARS! And not just bears, GRIZZZLY BEARS! And not just grizzly bears, but BIG ASS GRIZZLY BEARS that went RARRRRR!

Let me tell you. When you’re 4, and you can go to the movies with your mother, sit in a theatre, eat popcorn, the lights go down and you can see bears, you think it’s a pretty cool universe.

Thanks Mom for this, and a million other things.

Chapter 8: The A Solar System

For those who are wondering how we ended up on a boat tonight, and if this speech will ever end, we are coming to the close. We are on a boat because Andrea and I went on a boat cruise for one of our early dates. We cruised around the Parliament buildings, over by the Museum, and up the Gatineau River.

As we got close to the bridge where this boat left from, Andrea was sitting on my left, and we were watching the sunset. The light was streaming in from the side of the boat, and it was shining through her hair. I looked over at her, and it was like an electric jolt. I suddenly realized I was in love with this woman. And while I couldn’t have spoken then if I tried, Andrea noticed the look on my face during that same moment, and as she describes it, she went all melty inside.

From that moment on, my desire for Andrea has never been a secret. But what I didn’t know was what it also meant in the way of transformation.

Before, I was a PolyWogg. And most tadpoles turn into frogs or toads.

I must be the first to ever turn into a PandA.

But Andrea has that kind of effect on me.

She taught me to speak PandA. Words and phrases like noggin, fin, Bougainville, Moohaha, power bars, Rosedale/Rosemount, silly songs we sing to each other, “it’s a dog”, Orange!, bean and other bean…all these words come from the A Universe and now fill my world.

I can’t imagine my life without her influence; her presence is the atmosphere I need to breathe.

I’d love to go on and on about Andrea, but there’s no chance of doing that coherently.

Conclusion

So I’ll finish with a toast:

To bright stars, black holes, orbiting moons, star clusters, orbiting planets and dwarf planets;

To binary star systems, anchoring suns, and big ass grizzly bears that go RARRR;

and,

To the woman who reminds me each and every day that it’s a pretty cool universe, just because she’s in it.

To the PandA universe!

Falling in love again

The PolyBlog
September 19 2016

Back when I was a wee lad, in the home country don’t you know (well, Peterborough, Ontario, population at the time around 55K), I ordered books from the Scholastic Book Club. I loved the SBC order forms, and frequently started out with 20 or 30 books I wanted, and had to whittle down my order to only one or two. One time, something I had ordered wasn’t available, and they gave me a credit plus a grab bag of three free books.
One of those free books was part of the Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators series. Eventually growing to 42 books, the series was in its late teens volumes, maybe early 20s, but I think teens.

I fell in love for the first time, partly as the lead investigator was about my age, my size, and smarter than most of his friends. I had read some Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and I would go on to read Sherlock Holmes, Tom Swift, Rick Brant, the Bobbsey Twins, the Happy Hollisters, Louis L’Amour out the wazoo, Travis McGee, dozens of other series. Including my favorite “adult” series, all by Warren Murphy.

But the Three Investigators were my first true love of a series. I tracked the others down. Some through the library, most through the Trent University Book Store and a Coles store in the Peterborough Square. Then I found a bookstore on George Street in Peterborough, a rather small shop with a mix of used and new. And they carried the new 3I series books. Every couple of months, I would find a new one. I didn’t know the business model, but the authors were all on contract. Four or five in total, I think, most of whom got paid relative peanuts to write-for-hire i.e. no royalties, just paid to write in the series.

I have no idea how they licensed Alfred Hitchcock’s name, and eventually they had to deal with his death (the premise was just as Dr. Watson would “introduce” and tell the Holmes’ stories, Alfred Hitchcock would “present” the 3Is’ stories and the intros to the book were supposedly by AH).

Eventually the stories petered out, and it took awhile even to find the last couple. One or two of them I actually had to order, an unheard of idea back in 1980 or so for my pre-teen life.

Later, they tried to release an “update” to the series, with the kids no longer 10-12 but mid-teens. The stories were fine, but the characters were nothing like the earlier versions, more like kids with the same names. Pretenders, not the real McCoy.

It has been said that you can never fall in love again for the first time, but actually I can. I’ve started reading The Secret of Terror Castle, Three Investigators Book 1 to Jacob. I feared it would be too mature for him, but he’s following the story just fine. In retrospect, a ghost story premise is probably not the best of ideas since he thinks there are ghosts in our house and monsters in our basement, but I know the ending and think he’ll be okay with it. Think any episode of Scooby Doo and you can guess the outcome.

Last week and again this week, I’ve been reading to him here and there. We’re about halfway through book one. What I really want to know? If he’ll want to read Book 2 on his own when I’m done, or will want Daddy to keep reading to him. Either way, it’s nice to feel the love in the air.

Of course, I also have Artemis Fowl and Percy Jackson on deck at some point too. Not quite ready for Harry Potter, but he’s got time. There are 41 other books to go.