humour – Page 5 – The PolyBlog

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JotD: Spiders (PWH00031)

June 24 2025

I aspire to being a non-violent person, at peace and harmony with the surrounding world. Except when it comes to spiders! Death to all spiders!

JotD: Upholstery (PWH00045)

June 23 2025

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? Don’t worry, he’s fully recovered.

JotD: At the Gates (PWH00023)

June 20 2025

St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. “Excuse me, can I help you?” he asks. “No, it’s alright. Won’t be long.” And he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. The man stops and says, “Look, you know I’m dead. I know I’m dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?”

JotD: Roger and Elaine (PWH00021)

June 19 2025

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later, he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while, neither one of them is seeing anybody else. Then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” There is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation he doesn’t want or isn’t sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward…I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: So that means it was…let’s see…February, when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means…lemme check the odometer…Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600! And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems truly to care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a damn warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their… “Roger,” Elaine says aloud. “What?” says Roger, startled. “Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have…Oh, God, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing.) “What?” says Roger. “I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight and there’s no horse.” “There’s no horse?” says Roger. “You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says. “No!” says Roger, glad finally to know the correct answer. “It’s just that…It’s that I…I need some time,” Elaine says. There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work. “Yes,” he says. Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says. “What way?” says Roger. “That way about time,” says Elaine. “Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.” Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she speaks. “Thank you, Roger,” she says. “Thank you,” says Roger. Then he takes her home. She lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger.) The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions but never getting bored with it, either. Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

JotD: Mystery writers (PWH00070)

June 18 2025

How many mystery writers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw the bulb almost all the way in, and one to give a surprising twist at the end.

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