Monthly Archives: July 2022

My favourite Superman

The PolyBlog
July 27 2022

After some fairly personal posts, how about something a lot lighter? 🙂

I follow the blog of screenwriter Ken Levine (http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2022/07/weekend-post_0823158561.html) and his recent Weekend Post talked about different actors playing different characters, mainly for the Odd Couple. However, at the end of his post, he asked about people’s favourites playing other characters, one of which was Superman.

It was a fascinating idea. I confess that even though I’m more of a Batman or Spiderman fan, I do love the premise of Superman. So who DO I like best as Superman?

I really had no idea. I’ve been mulling it over in the last week or so, fully expecting I would end up with Christopher Reeve. He was my first Superman, more or less, right? And Smallville never really got to the Superman stage, although Tom Welling was awesome as young Clark. But, of course, the TV versions could never stand up to the movies, right?

As I mulled, I thought back to the various Supermen that I have watched over the years, ignoring voice work for animated series or radio, and I tried to figure out exactly how many Supermen I could remember. I was able to name five, and blanked on the name of the latest. Except there are three others I missed entirely. Plus another that everyone forgot. As I started to review in earnest, I realized there’s actually four dimensions though — Superman, Superboy, Clark, and Lois. You can’t have one without the other three, they go hand-in-hand.

Kirk Alyn

Kirk Alyn played Superman from 1948-1950 in a series of movie serials, back in the heyday of serials that ruled Saturday afternoons. It’s well before my time, and while I recognize him from photos and clips, I never experienced watching them in full. I find it fascinating though that he was the first and lots of fanboys who had followed the comic books weren’t even sure how ANYONE could play Superman. The studio releasing them pitched the serials from the perspective that nobody COULD play Superman, so (nudge, nudge) they got the real one. In a bunch of the credits, he wasn’t even named.

I’ve watched clips, and he did a decent job, but I liked his Clark Kent, mild-mannered / fearful reporter better than his Superman portrayal. I suspect in part because he doesn’t fly in the series — they could not afford the high-end stunt FX to make it work, you could still see the wires, so they did it as animation instead. Meh.

Noel Neill played Lois Lane and she does the “aww, shucks, what we would do without him” really well, but I’m not a fan for her “ace reporter” portrayal, something that shows up again and again for me.

George Reeves

One of the interesting elements in this field of comparison is “who did you see first?”. For the older generation, George Reeves WAS Superman. After all, between 1951-1958, he did two movies and 102 episodes on that new gadget called television. Everyone was watching, everyone saw him fly, not some animated version. Actually HIM.

I confess that while I think he does a credible job, he’s not watchable to me. He looks more like an out-of-shape former high-school football hero, and I think it comes down to the simple reality that if you don’t believe he can do what his character is doing, it’s just hokey. I know, I know, that’s incredibly harsh, and told from the perspective of far better CGI and FX later in cinematic history.

His Clark Kent was decent, a little less wimpy, which was good. But neither his Season 1 Lois Lane (Phyllis Coates) or Season 2 (back to Noel Neill) really stand out for me.

Christopher Reeve

Not surprisingly, while I had seen reruns with George Reeves, my first real “love” of Superman was the 1978 movie with Christopher Reeve. It was the first time I saw a great combo in both the Superman role AND the Clark Kent role. I liked his bumbling persona more than the wimpy side others had done, partly because you saw him deliberately acting that way. Like all of the portrayals, there is a scene where everyone walks away, and he relaxes, where he takes off the mask of Clark Kent and he just “exists” before he turns into Superman. Those moments of duality that didn’t get much screen time in other iterations. But Reeve nails it perfectly. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is relatively terrible. The whole “what colour is my underwear” scene and the romance flying with Lois are “meh”, but his truth/integrity side is borderline perfect when he’s talking normally with Lois.

For me, there are two downsides. First, he can’t do dramatic tension worth a damn. I never feel his anguish about turning back time, I don’t feel his anger when he’s dealing with Zod, etc. The only time I ever felt his real emotion was the scene where he goes back to the diner to beat up the bully. Anytime he steps out of “I’m good Superman” or “I’m bumbling Clark” (or the moments in between), I felt more like I was watching a toddler have a tantrum.

But Superman isn’t watchable without a strong Lois with him, and Margot Kidder comes off more like a bumbling airhead than an ace reporter. I don’t mean that she’s too stupid to notice the guy next to her is Superman, they all have that plot device to work around, I mean she regularly talks like she’s a complete idiot, yet is supposedly this amazing reporter with great insights and understanding of global politics. I don’t MIND her, but I don’t LIKE her.

Gene Hackman is fantastic as Lex Luthor, no surprise for anything Hackman does, but I loved Ned Beatty as Otis. My son and I regularly refer to the line, “Otisville? OTISVILLE????”. But then, it goes downhill. Superman 1 was good, 2 was better with Zod although it really needs an editor, 3 should have been good with Richard Pryor and it just isn’t, and 4 hit everyone over the head about nuclear weapons and detente. I’m willing to keep Superman 2, and ditch the rest.

John Haymes Newton and Gerard Christopher

Wow. This is one of the names I missed, and I’m saying wow not because he was amazing but that I missed it entirely. The show seemed at first like a one-season wonder in 1988/89 on television but I watched a LOT of television back then. Yet I missed it in my list because I have literally NEVER HEARD of it. Superman at university was the premise. Okay, so I missed a season, I guess that can happen.

Nope, it wasn’t just ONE season. It was FOUR seasons. John Newton played Superboy in Season 1, and Gerard Christopher played him for seasons 2-4. What the…?

Okay, so I had to do a deep dive to find some episodes to watch. Why? Cuz I’m a completist, deal with it. Nope, not worth watching. Stacey Hudiak played Lana Lang, and she’s watchable, but nothing to work with. There’s a reason why both male actors have done 1 or 2 other things since, and not much else.

Dean Cain

This is where Superman started to get interesting for me. Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher played Lois and Clark for 87 episodes. While it wasn’t exactly a comedy, it WAS played with a finger aside their nose, often ramping up the campiness. For Cain, his Superman is good albeit a bit boyish, and not quite as much youthful integrity as Reeve showed, but that’s more the cringey love-angst that permeated most episodes. I did like his Clark though, much more “normal guy” and far less of a bumbling fool.

Yet Teri Hatcher kills the show for me. Her breasts may be real and spectacular (according to Seinfeld), but her Lois is not. Just like Margot Kidder, there are a LOT of episodes where she is a bobblehead. She rarely has any depth to what she’s doing that suggests she’s an ace reporter. I know, I know, she’s written that way, but the show WAS called Lois & Clark for a reason. It was pitched about Lois just as much as Clark. And while I didn’t hate the show, it also isn’t my favourite portrayal.

Tom Welling

I watched Smallville from start to finish, and in reruns, and in boxed sets. For me, he is the perfect Superboy. Not Superman, just Clark Kent junior. He has some angsty issues with women, sure, and they occasionally threw Allison Mack some lines about how he had his “super friends” to do a bit of a jokey ending to some episodes. Or they had Arthur Currie / Aquaman show up to save someone, getting to know Clark and finally suggesting they form the JLA — the Junior Lifeguards Association. Ha ha.

But it was the first time I thought they got the balance right on characters. Allison Mack may be a grade A whack-a-doodle now, but as Chloe? She rocked the show. She WAS a great pre-Lois reporter and WatchTower.

And they finally ditched Lana as Clark’s boyhood crush, and brought in Erica Durance as Lois. When she meets Clark? He’s naked in a cornfield. She was the first portrayal of Lois, in my view, where she wasn’t a bimbette. She could keep up with Clark, the Blur and even Oliver Queen. One of my favorite two scenes are when Clark tells her that he’s the Blur (which of course she has already figured out, being an ace reporter and all) AND the final episode where you see her really being full adult Lois.

It’s not all perfect, and I know a lot of people hate the fact that the show took liberties with the original comic-book canon. They had to, this was the first time telling the full story of Clark becoming Superman. And sure, there was campiness in there. But Welling and Durance? They nailed their roles. The only thing I wish was that they had a bit more chemistry together on screen…the characters do, cuz you know they do, but sometimes it was hard to see the spark between them. It was always present with Hatcher and Cain, not so much with Welling and Durance. It’s a quibble, I know.

Brandon Routh

I find it hard to rate BR as Superman. Mostly because for most of the portrayal, I didn’t really see it as Superman. It was more like a Superman-clone. It didn’t FEEL like Superman to me. I liked the dynamic with Kate Bosworth as Lois, and the whole premise of “5 years later” after the Margot Kidder-era headline “I spent the night with Superman”, but well, I kind of agreed with most of the public. Meh. Yet they brought him back for the DC cross-over.

Well, sort of. I mean he was already there as the Atom from DC Legends / Arrow / Flash / Batwoman etc., but for the multiverse cross-over, he was actually Superman in Earth 96. It was cute, I didn’t hate him in the episode, but as Superman generally? Still meh.

Which is a bit odd. I like Kate Bosworth as Lois, and I like Brandon Routh’s work generally for Chuck, the Rookie, all the DC universe shows. I just don’t like him as Superman.

Henry Cavill

So back in 2013, with the reboot of the DC movies, Henry Cavill came in as the new Superman. The Man of Steel by title. But between MoS, Batman v. Superman, and the Justice League, he is a VERY different Superman than we’ve seen previously. Much darker, much scarier. So again, he doesn’t feel like Superman to me. Some will say that is sacrilege, I know. But it feels more like The Boys take on a Superman-like character than Superman. Which is fine to do for Batman, the Dark Knight is awesome, but Superman? I want him to glow and shine, not brood.

Amy Adams as Lois? She’s decent. I don’t love Amy Adams, I’ll admit, but I do find her watchable. But if Cavill isn’t really Superman, is Amy playing Lois or a Lois-like clone?

Tyler Hoechlin

I find it really interesting that quite a few online sites that list roll-ups of who played Superman, almost NONE of them list Tyler. And they’re not simply old posts, some of these were written in 2022 (or at least show as having been updated in 2022). Yet Superman from Superman and Lois doesn’t show up? He played Superman for the first time back in 2016 on an episode of Supergirl. Then repeatedly in other DC shows until the new series started in 2021.

Elizabeth Tulloch plays Lois and, well, I’m on the fence about her. I loved her as Juliet in Grimm, not so much as Eve later in the same show. And in this one, there are repeated scenes where she’s all hurt and angry and dumping on everyone around her, and yet everyone gives her a pass as she’s an ace reporter. What I really want to see is Clark, not Superman, step up and say “enough is enough, you’re acting like a child”. Or her kids. It’s a terrible portrayal of Lois as she bops between this angry self-righteous person who is sometimes right to being super angsty. She’s almost bipolar and it makes it REALLY hard to watch the series.

I like Hoechlin, I like their kids and the secondary characters. It’s telling that I like Lana more than Lois for the series. If Lois was killed off, I’d be okay with that.

I think what REALLY makes it for me though is Hoechlin as a very quiet peaceful Clark. He doesn’t have a job, that’s a bit of a plot issue, but when he’s being a father or husband, there is this very calm, wise, restful presence that shows how he can remain in control as Superman. It’s awesome.

Head-to-head comparisons

So I’m going to do four rankings: Superman, Superboy, Clark and Lois.

As Superman, Kirk Alyn and George Reeve aren’t even in the running. They were great for their time, but their portrayal doesn’t hold up. Christopher Reeve does a great hair curl while looking innocent, but can’t do anger at all. If I could JUST keep Superman 2, maybe. Dean Cain was too campy as Superman, so he’s out. Tom Welling shows up in a few later EPs of the DC TV series as an older Superman but you never get to see him much as a full Superman, and to be honest, I can’t see it. There’s too much Clark. I ditch Brandon Routh as Superman-like, and unfortunately that is the same thing I have to do with Henry Cavill (too dark). But drum roll…Tyler Hoechlin has the best parts of all of them. I’m keeping him as the best Superman, even if not in movies (for movies, I’d have to take Reeve from Superman 2 or the first half of Superman 1).

As Superboy, John Newton and Gerard Christopher were entirely forgettable. Which means Tom Welling wins by default, but he would have won by a landslide anyway. He is a great Superboy aka the Blur.

As Clark, Kirk Alyn and George Reeve are out again. However, while I took Christopher Reeve out of the running as Superman, he does a pretty good mild-mannered Clark who then stops when nobody can see him. Even when he stands up taller, he’s awesome switching between them. And I love his in-between character. John Newton and Gerard Christopher are still forgettable. Dean Cain did a decent job as Clark, more “normal”, so he is a contender. Brandon Routh and Henry Cavill were disappointing as Superman, and so their Clark fails too. But Tyler Hoechlin? He kills as Clark for his inner peace. I would love to keep him, but we never see him DO much as Clark. I’m going to have to give it to Tom Welling as Clark. I wonder if that is because I’ve so much of him in the Smallville series vs. shorter portrayals for the rest.

As Lois, Noel Neill and Phyllis Coates are too much a product of the era. Margot Kidder and Teri Hatcher played Lois as almost a bimbo, so they are out. Erica Durance knocks it out of the park as Lois, easily keeping up with Tom’s Clark. But she never had to play against Superman, that would be a harder nut to crack potentially. I toss out Kate Bosworth and Amy Adams, neither excite me, and I wish I could keep some of Elizabeth Tulloch but not all. So that basically means Erica Durance sweeps.

So let’s see…I want Tom Welling or Tyler Hoechlin as Clark, Tom definitely as Superboy/Blur, growing up to be Tyler Hoechlin’s Superman, and having a full life with Erica Durance as Lois.

I did not see that coming. I think I’ll try Batman next, and then on to Spiderman.

Poking the fear with no name

The PolyBlog
July 22 2022

I’ve blogged before about what I call my “internal detection system”. I feel like I know myself pretty well, having ripped apart my psyche at age 29 and stripped it down to the studs before slowly rebuilding it and putting it back together. I did it on my own in the sense that I bounced ideas off friends rather than using a professional-trained therapist, and while it should have come with a warning, “Don’t try this at home. Closed course. Unprofessional driver.”, the real outcome was that my internal system responds to being poked by me.

Take for example something really inane like, umm, going to a store and being upset by something that happened with another customer going through the line. Most of life is pretty obvious why something bothers you, but maybe sometimes it isn’t. In those circumstances, when I’m reviewing my day mentally, I might go, “Hmm…why did that bother me? Was it because of X?” And then my internal system responds. If the radar lights up, yep, that’s what it was and why.

A lot of people have this, but for me, it is finely tuned to my own vagaries. I don’t want to know that it bothered me that a person was rude to someone else, that’s more of a level 1 response, I want to know if at level 2, was I bothered because I felt it was undeserved (even if none of my business) and the person was just being unreasonable. Or perhaps a level 3 type response where I had thought the second person deserved SOME sort of response, and yet I thought it was too rude, but then I sort of felt culpable because I thought they deserved something. Or maybe I am reacting at level 4 because it reminds of how I interacted with someone in the past, etc. While I am more than capable of turning myself into a squirrel, I can work through the various deeper responses in about 10 seconds flat. I’m not agonizing over trivial matters, I’m just reviewing why something bothered me to see if maybe my body or mind is trying to tell me something else. Occasionally, I joke with myself that is more of an “emotional resonance scan” (borrowing from MRI and CAT scan terminology).

But, as I said, it works pretty well. About 95% of the time, I can exactly pinpoint what it is about something that is resonating. It’s not perfect, and I can miss stuff if I’m emotionally blocked for some reason (like with grief) or overly-emotionally invested in an outcome. But the rest of the time? Poke 1 — is it X? No. Poke 2, is it Y? No. Okay, Poke 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 is it ABCDEFGHI….?

A partial resonance response

This was a big week in Casa PolyWogg. As you will know from reading my blog, Andrea has been in chemo since March, going for back-to-back doses every 4 weeks for six cycles. This week was the last week, cycle 6. A big deal just for that alone.

But she had two other appointments on top of that, I had to go into the office one day, I was meeting a coworker for coffee while I was there, and oh yeah, I’m working on a huge report for work that needed to be finalized this week. A few other things on the list, but those were the main ones.

Yet as I started the week, I felt something odd. Fear and dread. Misplaced fear and dread, obviously.

So I poked myself…am I fearful of something with the chemo? No, not really. A small resonance, not strong, so likely partly related to it. Yet what would I be stressed about with her chemo? She’s already done 10 doses, she had adverse reactions for doses 1a, 2a and 3a, but that drug isn’t part of her regimen anymore, so no worries there. The remaining drug is one she handles fine, so definitely not a cause for worry. My body said, “Yep, totally agree, it’s not that.”

Okay, so I moved on. Is it work? My body said, “Sure, there’s a lot going on, need to finalize, it’s a fair amount of work, important stuff, but that’s just background noise. You’ve got this.” Okay, so not the work stuff.

Maybe going INTO work? Nope. I wasn’t looking FORWARD to it because I had to clean up a box of messy files to get them sent to storage, none of which were mine but I inherited them from someone else when I took the job, blah blah blah. Annoying but not anything to fear. And I was meeting a colleague and former mentor for coffee, first time in 2+ years, not stressful either. I was looking forward to it. I was’t working a full day, no batch of meetings, nothing to figure out for office space, etc. So not that either.

Something with Jacob? Nope. Nada. No resonance other than ensuring he’s doing SOMETHING each day instead of sitting on his butt playing video games. This week was a writing camp, last week was gearing up for mini-golf with a friend, etc. General parenting stuff, nothing that looks like fear.

I did a rough scan of other stuff on my mind, standard stressors around managing money, planning, my own health, but it was all noise. Nothing that should be producing a sense of fear.

Digging deeper

As I said, I got a partial resonance on Andrea’s treatment this week. Which, again, made no sense. It’s all good news, isn’t it?

She’s done six treatments. Her side symptoms for her legs and breathing are resolved. She would get her PICC line out this week. And her Pleurex as well (the side drain to get fluids from around her lungs out). All of it looks good, right? No resonance. Full agreement, there’s no reason to be fearful.

I stepped back and said, “Okay maybe it’s logistics?”. Was I worried about getting her to the four appointments this week? No, they were scheduled well enough in advance, I was pushing the envelope adding in some other errands on the margins, but nothing big. Not a scheduling fear, or worry that I would screw something up.

I wondered perhaps if I feared it wouldn’t happen? She had dinner with a friend last week, and two days later the person reported exposure to COVID. Andrea wasn’t sick, no symptoms, but when she notified the hospital of the situation, they collectively all went, “Hmm…let’s get back to you on if you can do it this week!”. A friend who went through breast cancer had commented about the stress of it feeling like the finish line kept being moved, but that wasn’t it for me, no resonance.

I poked the fear again. Maybe it’s not fear? Maybe it’s just stress? Nope, doesn’t feel like stress. Stress is a general tension, this was more acute. Like “run away, don’t poke here.”. What the heck? Maybe general anxiety? Small blip. What the HELL? A blip for general anxiety but not for everything else? How does THAT work?

When a blip gets louder

Okay, some sort of anxiety and related to her treatment. Huh? That made NO sense at all.

Okay, let’s unpack it piece by piece.

Big chemo on Wednesday, dose 6a. Anything with that? Nope, all good.

Final chemo on Thursday, dose 6b. Anything with that? Small blip.

PICC line removal? Small blip.

Pleurex removal? Small blip.

What else was she doing this week…oh, right, she had her final appointment with the doctor just before the last chemo to review her blood work and stats. Big blip.

Wait, what? A blip for cancer treatment, blips for final treatments, blips for things being removed, and a big blip for her bloodwork?

How could that be? All of those elements are positive. She was getting her final dose, the side symptoms have resolved, the tubes were being removed as not needed any longer, and her stats showed that by pure numbers, she’s officially in remission range. While the type of cancer isn’t curable, she’s ready to be declared officially in remission. Big giant blip.

Ohhhhhhhhh.

I know what it must be, seems obvious right, I’m afraid it’s not all done and I’m waiting for the other proverbial shoe to drop, right? After all, tons of people experience that, it’s normal. Zero blip. I don’t disbelieve any of the tests. I don’t disagree that it is all good news. I don’t believe there’s another shoe to hit the floor.

Soooo, I’m just afraid…of the good news? Giant fucking blip, bang the gong, that’s it, stupid, took you long enough (my resonance scanner has a cruel, snarky side).

The fear that cannot be named

I realized what it was, poked myself, full resonance, yep, that’s it. I’d read about it. I’d heard of it. I’d never really experienced it before.

Researchers themselves have trouble naming it, partly as when they do see it, it’s part of a giant spectrum of situations, and most don’t know if it’s the same thing or something unique. Take child abuse victims who go through the foster care system, the proverbial “stereotype” of the outcome that you see in books, and TV or movies. The person comes out the other side numb sometimes, even with potentially anti-social behaviour. They then meet someone, the person appears to love them, but they have trouble believing in it. They can’t trust that what they see is real and not a giant prank from the universe, and so they run the other way. They have trouble letting themselves be happy.

Trauma specialists see it too. Soldiers coping with PTSD, unable to see a day when things will be better. Similarly for severe depression, the sense that things will continue as they are, that things are beyond your control. That fate will kick your ass regardless of what you do. That the gods laugh while man plans. Meds can help alter the way negative assumptions control your views of outcomes, but the struggle is real.

Those are obvious extremes, of course, and my role in accompanying Andrea on her journey is not so acute. Yet I knew what was bothering me.

It was all good news and I didn’t trust any of it. I don’t mean, I thought it was wrong, I believe it is true. Objectively. But subjectively, I couldn’t let myself trust it. I wouldn’t let myself trust it. Because if I was wrong, my psyche wasn’t likely to survive.

I feared hoping too much, too soon.

Andrea believes me a pessimist, and in comparison, I am. But in this case, I fear that what I’m looking for is a sign. Lots of people complete chemo, doesn’t mean they’re done. Lots of people have good stats, doesn’t mean they’re done. Same for the elimination of symptoms.

A release

For me, naming fears is my first step to releasing them. Once I know WHAT I’m feeling, and why, I’m not afraid of it. I can lean in, I can compartmentalize, I can stare it in the face and say, “Hello fear. What are you up to today?”. Emotional fears, at least. I may choose NOT to do that at times as I might feel it will be more destructive than creative, but I don’t have to hide. Once named, I’m good to go. Rumpelstiltskin, perhaps, applied to emotions.

And with the naming, I could unclench my jaw a bit. I knew what it was, and it therefore has less control over me.

Then, for Andrea’s last treatment, I joined her at the hospital. I was there for dose 1A, but for the rest, I wasn’t allowed in. To some extent, I know that made it seem less real to me — I dropped her off but I didn’t sit with her while she did it. The rules for visits have changed and I was allowed back in.

For the last treatment, the Medical Day Care Unit has a small internal ritual. In this case, it’s a small gong that you bang with a small hammer for your last treatment, the staff and some patients clap, you celebrate, and you head for the exit! Start the car!

The gong made Andrea release a bit, but then we were out the door quick, and as soon as we were out in the waiting room and alone, we both released completely. A long sobbing hug to celebrate that she has done it. She has kicked cancer’s ass, we think, and she’s done. At least for now.

Sure, the realist is still there. 3-5 years average remission rate, maybe 10. Still highly treatable but not curable. No impact on life expectancy. We had ice cream to celebrate, we’ll do cake on the weekend, a nice dinner next week, maybe other celebrations with friends and family in the weeks to come.

Yet I want the doctor to examine her in 3w (as he will), check her stats, check her xrays, check her bone marrow, and say, “Yep, it all worked as it was supposed to, no signs of anything.”

Until then, my stress is down, but the fear of hoping too much remains. It’s not rational, I know that. Everything says, “Hurrah”. But my heart won’t let my head and my head won’t let my heart get too far ahead of each other. I don’t know which one is lagging behind, doesn’t really matter probably.

I just know for me it is a fear of hope. And that is the second scariest fear I’ve ever seen.

The first of course is the fear of losing Andrea or Jacob. But this one runs a pretty close second in its perniciousness. But if Andrea can kick cancer’s ass, maybe I can kick my own.

It’s quiet. Too quiet.

The PolyBlog
July 5 2022

In a bunch of movies, there’s a scene where someone says, “It’s quiet.” And then ominously, someone else or even the same person will say, “Too quiet.” And then you find out that someone has been picked off by the serial killer or the kids are doing something they shouldn’t or generally all hell is about to break loose.

In the last week, three separate people have poked me on Facebook and said, “Hey. Your blog has been quiet. Too quiet. What’s going on?”.

The good news is almost nothing is going on. No massive bad news, no pending crises, no silent killers stalking my office. I haven’t been blogging for a combination of reasons. Some sort of Venn diagram where I’m in the middle of 5 competing circles.

Work has been crazy busy of late. I’m in an acting director position for what works out to eight months (complicated story in there of 6m, then 4m, then 6m, then 12m, then 8m in the end). The job itself is great, I would love to keep it, but that’s not entirely how life works, and life intervened heavily way back in January.

We’ve known Andrea has had non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma for five years, and the type she has, they don’t treat until symptoms show up. Well, they finally had enough symptoms to start treatment, just as I was starting my acting assignment. A few people have commented that it was sucky timing, but there’s a small nuance in there that I find interesting. They generally mean that it’s too bad that Andrea’s in treatment while I’m acting director. Except the nuance that is missed is that Andrea didn’t CHOOSE to do treatment now, I CHOSE to be acting director. The “variable” is me, not her. The issue is more that I made the decision to accept the acting director position before I knew she’d be in treatment.

But I had already accepted it, and if I had only that going on — i.e., the acting position — I would have knocked myself out to compete in any and every EX-01 competition I could find with the goal of making a pool and giving them the option of making me permanent. But with everything else going on in life, I didn’t have the extra bandwidth to compete in processes, to try to become an EX-01, to “go for the gold” so to speak.

And I’m okay with that. I don’t belief in regrets, but if I had to phrase it in that form, I would say that I wish I knew Andrea had been going into treatment, as I wouldn’t have taken the acting assignment. I know where my priorities lie, and I haven’t had the extra energy to really give my “all” to the acting experience.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m doing the job. That part is okay. And it has been really busy with some overtime on a few weekends, or late nights after dealing with other stuff in the day. We’re working on a major report due to be finalized in about six weeks, and then it’s just lots of approval stuff. It is a lot of work on top of a full job, and I do have to keep the lights on and trains running on other files while we put through the report.

I’ve done 80% of the job previously, but that extra 20% has been an interesting challenge, and I’ve enjoyed it. Not enough to say I want my EX-01 level for ANY job, but if I had a chance at specific jobs that were like the current one, I’d consider it.

And, yes, my wife has cancer. So there’s that. But that is not the giant time suck for me that you might think it would be. She’s on a four-week cycle — one week of chemo (appointment Tuesday, chemo Wednesday, chemo Thursday) — and during the week of treatment, there’s a lot going on. Jacob has been having problems with his legs and headaches, so I’ve been driving him to and from school most of the year. It’s about 25 minutes over and back, twice a day. During treatments, I also have to run Andrea to and from the hospital (I’m not allowed to go in).

The first month, I just took time off for the treatment days. The next four cycles, I’ve worked part days since I’m sitting around anyway. But the schedule is a bit fluid at times, simple things like appointments running late, and so there’s a bunch of juggling…can I get Jacob to school, then Andrea to the hospital, and get back home again to have a video meeting at 10:00? Or if I’m picking up Jacob at 3:20, what time will Andrea be done in the afternoon so that I could pick her up and then go get Jacob or get Jacob and then go get her?

Oddly enough, it isn’t the chauffeur duties or the juggling that is exactly the problem. It’s the bandwidth required to keep it all straight without stressing everyone else out too. Some days have been more successful than others when it comes to that. Sometimes we’ve had to reach out to friends, but even that is not always the simplest decision. Andrea is the priority, obviously. So what I really needed wass someone to pick up Jacob, not Andrea.

But then we would get into the dance of “Why can’t Jacob just take the bus?”. And admittedly he can. But it’s also going to stress him out quite a bit, struggling with a heavy backpack after a long day of school, and often with gym class just before he heads home. If he is running around for the full hour before school ends, then he’s often exhausted. There’s a reason why he missed almost a third of school this year for problems with his legs or headaches. Blood work, massage, counselling…it helps, but it doesn’t knock off the possible issues very fast. And if I’m prioritizing Andrea, then I would be trying to get someone to pick up Jacob, AND then I would have to explain WHY, which Jacob is a bit sensitive about. In an ideal world, I can cover all the appointments. In reality, it’s a source of stress for me.

But also a source of joy. I LIKE being able to take Jacob to and from school. I’m the first to ask how his day went and hear his summary, not second-hand after Mom already put him through the grilling. Yet when I can’t do it all, I feel like I’m letting him or Andrea down.

Fortunately, I haven’t had to compromise on the home life THAT much. In six months, I think we’ve used alternate transport three times. Maybe four. Not bad. I should be just taking those days off though, I fully admit. They often are complete sh**shows for scheduling. But work also serves as a distraction too some days. For the first three treatment cycles, Andrea was having trouble with one of the drugs. And I couldn’t be there after the first time. So she was on her own, I was worried about her, and sitting in the car outside twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do was not the best way to ensure I was in the right headspace.

The stress level is pretty high right now, even as Andrea emerges from the six-month treatment period. She’s completed five of the six treatments, they’ve ditched the one drug she kept having adverse reactions to, her symptoms are abating, and her stats look great. She’s still pretty tired and sleeping like crap after each treatment cycle, but she’s three weeks away from being done chemo and seven weeks from being done her primary treatment periods completely. She still has two things to be removed for injections and drainage, and she is REALLY looking forward to those.

But she has weathered the storm with some chauffeuring support, love and emotional/mental support, and a lot of company. Mostly she’s done it herself, she doesn’t NEED me that much to DO things, she’s pretty self-sufficient. Yet, as I said, the stress in the house is still high. Jacob finished grade 7 and is now home for the summer. For me? That’s a huge release as I don’t have to drive over to the school twice a day or even make him lunch in advance. It’s a sweet deal.

Family outings take up some time too, in a good way. We’ve also tried to re-emerge from our shell — both the cancer shell and the pandemic shell. Andrea can’t see people inside, and we cancelled a trip to the cottage this past weekend as there were going to be way too many people there for her safety and our comfort levels. Probably okay is not the same as safely okay. And afterwards, one tested positive for COVID, so yeah, not completely safe.

Instead of the cottage, we’re doing some family outings. A few weeks ago, we went to a friend’s house and sat in their backyard for an afternoon. For my birthday, one of my birthday twinsies came over and we had Thai food on the deck together. This past weekend, we went to fireworks at Arlington Woods on Friday night for Canada Day, played board games, went to Chelsea for mini-golf and ice-cream, went to Wakefield to see the covered bridge, and went to the twinsies’ house to use their neighbour’s pool and sit by the water and relax on Sunday. We also checked out the Golden Palace for dinner one night, testing out the claims for fantastic egg rolls (good, not awesome), sweet and sour pork (possibly the best I have ever had), pineapple shrimp (pretty solid), lemon chicken (definitely the best I have ever had, even with a bit too crispy skin), chop suey (meh, it’s chop suey), and pretty solid won ton soup offerings (I’ve been without a good source since our favourite Vietnamese place closed).

We’ve played more board games in general of late, trying to go for a walk regularly, watching some TV together (White Collar, American Ninja Warrior, West Wing), etc.

Aversion to the basement also plays a factor. Soooo, just over two years ago, when we started working from home, I moved my office to the basement. It wasn’t an option for Andrea and I to share the big office upstairs when both of us would be on the headsets regularly for video meetings, so Andrea kept the office, Jacob went to the first floor for his schooling with a separate desk and laptop setup, and I went to the basement.

I’ve tweaked my setup over the last two years, and I have a pretty great layout overall. One complete desk for my work computers, a three-monitor configuration (two monitors plus tablet laptop). And another for my home personal computer, with two monitors, full keyboard, laptop to the right, plus my scanner, and a printer over to the left. I’ve tweaked it a bit here and there, added a new printer not too long ago, and it all works.

But the problem is that I am working so much that by the end of the day, I just want to go upstairs and get “away from work”. Yet that same reprieve of going upstairs is also the same block to going back downstairs. There are things I SHOULD be doing, most of the days I just don’t feel like it.

Blogging isn’t the only thing. I’m even behind on opening and processing mail. A cheque I got back from the health claim company last fall just went stale as I never got around to depositing it — and I have MOBILE DEPOSITS. I literally just need to take a picture and it’s done. Nope, too much like work. And it piled up on the desk. This isn’t just a “me” problem, we were behind on filing our taxes too as we knew we had money coming to us, no penalty involved, so not super urgent. Andrea’s “free time” of late, plus her need to file for EI, sparked her to finish those for both of us. My other mail? I cleared it out recently, but I’m still behind on a few key things. Including following up on the health claim stuff.

I just don’t have the mental energy to go back downstairs at night to do anything. Instead, we eat late, finish close to 8:00, and then I tend to vegetate in front of the TV for a few hours with Andrea and sometimes Jacob, or read. What I don’t do is go back downstairs to get organized for anything productive.

Which is a long way around to saying I’m nowhere near my computer to do any blogging. Occasionally, at lunch time or after work, I will check on my email or FB feeds. Not actively, but long enough to pop in. Occasionally there are questions about HR on Reddit and I’ll chime in. Most of the time, it’s snoozefest.

I also decreased my social media footprint, as I blogged about earlier. I am an analytical introvert, so I’m not the type to have thousands of friends on FaceBook. I’ve often held it to around 100 people, and earlier this year, I was up to about 125-130 or so. Then I had the “incident” with an exchange with one of Andrea’s friends that carried over into my own relationship with Andrea. I decided such a trigger wasn’t worth the risk any more and so I did a social media purge. I liken it to some version of a FaceBook divorce. I cut ties with 100 or so people, generally people who were more Andrea’s friends and family than my own, and left mostly just my friends and immediate family. But in doing so, I also have far less “interaction” options with FB too. I’m out of a few groups that had me tied to the computer, I’ve joined a few others, yet overall, it is far less compelling than it used to be. I catch up maybe once a week and scroll through, or if something pops up in my notifications, otherwise I’m not really on there.

I also realized that some of my past blogging was almost driven by my social media engagement. I would decide to post something, for example, and change it to being a blog post instead. Or someone else’s post would trigger a thought for a blog post, and I’d write that. I used to share comics and things too, but with only about 25 people in my feed, some of the people I would “tag” in my sharing are no longer in my friends group.

It’s strange, I admit. Andrea has posted updates on how she’s doing with her cancer treatments, and I don’t see any of them. I don’t know what she’s telling people, or even how she’s framing it. A number of friends have shared updates on FB that she’s seen, but since I’m not online friends with them anymore, I hear nothing unless Andrea happens to mention it.

In a sense, my blogging was an innocent bystander of my social media reduction. Some of the things I would “share” are now shared with a much smaller group, and even fewer are likely to comment. Which means I’ve even questioned if keeping my blog going is worth it or not. Would it be missed if I killed it entirely and just left my HR guide running? I could even just share that on Reddit, it doesn’t really need its own website. But I ultimately end up in the same place each time. I like blogging, I like having it, so I keep it going. At least for now.

Even if I’m not that active right now.

And I’m okay with all of it. I’m hardly “zen”, but I’m not too fussed about it. I do what I need to do, the lights are on, trains are running, we’re surviving. I’m looking forward to a few upcoming milestones…

Jacob is off for two months, that’s a big change for all of us. I’m pushing for him to do things with his friends, even if it means I have to run him somewhere.

Andrea’s last chemo is in another two weeks. That’s pretty big. Sometime around then they’ll remove two insertions too, so that will make her feel better too.

My work project will be submitted in mid-August or so, if not sooner.

And I’ll take two weeks off in September. The timing isn’t perfect for Andrea and Jacob, he’ll be back in school, but I’ll take some holidays before then too, days here and there, maybe a week if the project is done.

But the big news for me was that although I don’t continue as acting Director, I accepted a new job with the Provincial / Territorial Labour Market Programs in our branch. We transfer billions — yep, with a b — to the PTs for labour market programming and then monitor what they do with it. Another division is responsible for the policy files, but my new division is responsible for the operations side. I had possible options to do a coordination role like what I’ve done before; perhaps a more technical function with systems and data that has some ties to things I’ve done before; or the one I actually went for, the team responsible for transferring the money and monitoring everything they do, a pseudo-program manager / policy manager / stakeholder relations manager function. I’ve been managing small teams since 2017, except for the division I’m currently managing (13 but with two managers handling day-to-day), and my new team will be 8-10, so a step up in responsibility of sorts. I like the director and the director general, so when they had an opening and an offer, I said yes.

That was a weird week, I confess. I found out on the previous Friday that the job that I had left and was theoretically moving back to was changing, and while I had A job waiting for me, the exact details were up in the air. I was totally comfortable going back, giving it a go, see if it was something I wanted or alternatively could turn it into something I liked. But I thought, “Why not poke around?”. See what else was out there.

I’ve blogged before that the last time I did a big job search in 2017, I was looking for something REALLY specific and it was pretty demoralizing to have little interest or take-up. The current environment? It’s way more of a seller’s market this time. I sent seven emails out and had four pretty strong expressions of interest, with three of the four going almost to full job offer instantly. Within two days I had three offers that I could have pursued, but the one I took firmed up even faster. I wonder if there was some part of me that was like “Thank god, take something, end the extra stress of a job search”, but I didn’t feel that way. It seems like a good match with my skills and experience, I like my new boss, I’ve known her for a while, everything seems like a good fit and it is definitely a solid job.

It’s more work than I would have been doing in the other positions, most likely, but that’s not a bad thing. Andrea and I met with a financial advisor recently, and I may not be retiring as soon as I had hoped. Depends a bit on our own goals and the market, I suppose, but we’ll revisit in a few years. So a big file is likely a good choice, something I can dig into for a few years potentially.

Soooooo if I look at the other mental draws on my time and energy, the circles that are intersecting around me, blogging isn’t ranking very highly these days. I barely remember to log in and check email. I like to aim for “inbox zero” fairly regularly, almost every week, and my regular inbox has hundreds of unfiled emails sitting in it. I’ve read them all, I think, mostly on my phone, but that doesn’t mean I respond immediately when something shows up. And I do find it hard to remember non-pressing commitments, even when they are in my calendar.

Yet I’d say I’m doing mostly okay. Even without taking much time to blog.

I have a few things that I’m worried about. I am REALLY emotional some days. In the middle of reading a YA novel, the death of a character (think Harry Potter and the first “good” character to die) almost wiped me out. TV shows can create waterworks. That often happens when I’m really tired (I’m sleeping like crap) or just completely stressed, or both.

Equally, I had a weird-ass dream last week — I was lucid dreaming, half awake / half asleep, I knew I was dreaming, and then out of the blue, the phone rang in my dream and it was my father calling, as he was dying, to ask for help. What the F*** was THAT? I haven’t been thinking about him or anything, and that event never happened, but wow. That could mess with your mind pretty fast. It didn’t, I woke myself up pretty fast to move away from the imagery, but that was weird.

Some days I do feel it is quiet, too quiet. Like in some ways I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t actually think any shoe WILL drop, I just know there are a few out there. In the meantime, I’m reading more, hanging out more with the family upstairs, and spending a lot less time on my computer. In the short-term, that’s generally a good thing. At least until I need some “me time” with my projects. I have a 3D printer I haven’t assembled yet. My goal is to get that done before I start the new job.

Stay tuned!