The PolyBlog

Pushing through or squirming out from under

June 13 2023

My mental health has been taking a beating lately.

Maybe it’s the simple act of turning 55 this week. Wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility, lots of people do feel crappy about another trip around the sun. The slow feeling that as I turn 55, I’m one step closer to a dirt nap, and as I become increasingly aware of the limits of my body, I’m not entirely sure I want to fight to the end. MAID, perhaps. Something more accidental looking before that. It weighs on me more this year as I figure maybe another 25 years if I’m lucky.

Maybe it’s the realization that instead of being able to retire in about 2 years, it’ll be closer to 4. I’m already tired. Some stupid ass crap keeps happening at work, and it bothers me more than it used to. Things that would roll off me before are making me downright irate. I’ve even started managing things different so that it won’t get to me. Let it go, Disney style, perhaps. I haven’t had to do that in a long while but if I could drop my papers tomorrow, I would. I don’t even mind being back in the office, it’s just a loss of control perhaps or a reduction in my span of control. What seemed like a decent job with good support from above and a solid foundation for the future seems reduced to toeing the line, ideas be damned from anyone else. Not overly a great environment, but you do the job you have, not necessarily the one you thought you had.

Maybe it’s an increasing feeling of isolation and aloneness. I’ve always been somewhat of a loner, I like doing a lot of things that are not really “group activities”. Writing. Reviewing. Reading. But after the pandemic, and what I tend to think of as a Facebook divorce for Andrea and I, I don’t have many friends left on Facebook, I mostly just follow groups now, or a few memes shared by friends. There’s no real connection there for me anymore, although perhaps there never was, perhaps it was just the illusion of connection seeing some stuff people I knew posted as opposed to real friendships. Andrea asked me if I wanted to have anyone come with us for dinner for my birthday and it’s a bit embarrassing to admit there really isn’t anyone. Which isn’t exactly fair, there ARE people I COULD invite, some of which would probably come. But it’s also a risk management technique to NOT invite people. If I do something small, it looks like my choice, even enough to fool myself perhaps. On the other hand, if I invite a bunch of people, and nobody shows? My mental health would take a hit that I can’t really afford right now.

I often feel that in times of crisis or stress, the only way out is through. Just keep pushing through. Except I’m not sure I’m strong enough to keep pushing through right now. One foot in front of the other is about all I can manage. And it isn’t even necessarily huge things the universe is smacking me with. Some of it is small.

We just spent tens of thousands of dollars to redo three bathrooms — one upstairs for an ensuite that is mostly for Andrea; one that is for Jacob (my old main bathroom); and a basement one with a shower that is now functional enough to use. Truth? I don’t really like any of them. The ensuite looks nice, really they all do, but one thing that I hate was the placement of the toilet next to the wall and a vent, and we didn’t end up fixing that because it was too much work. Most of the stuff in the bathroom area is taken up with Andrea’s stuff, so not a great solution for me for things like water for my BIPAP machine. I’ll figure out some option over time I guess, but not great. J’s bathroom looks great, but the water pressure for the shower is almost non-existent. It used to be good with the old showerhead, but I’m the only one who likes that one, and Jacob deserves his own bathroom to look after his lens stuff and everything. So I’m using the basement. Toilet is good, sink is okay, shower is smaller than it should be for a person of my size (which is nicer than saying I’m just too fat for a small shower), but I also can’t really get the shower head angled the way I want it to consistently. I’ll eventually fix it with something from a 3D printer, but it’s annoying. We spent all that money and I feel like I have less “functionality” than I started with. It’s telling that we did 3 bathroom renos consecutively, the people were here for weeks, and I never really blogged about any of it.

Tonight, we had to call 911 for a fire in our kitchen. Yeah, sure, I buried the lede, as they say. It wasn’t super serious. We had housecleaners in today, and because we didn’t quite have all the dishes and extra stuff clean to go back in cupboards, we temporarily stored some stuff in the oven. Lots of people do it, we do it often too. Except of course that practice doesn’t work well if you forget and later ask Jacob to turn the oven on to preheat only to find out later that a plastic cutting board eventually catches fire. I used the fire extinguisher to put it out, Andrea called 911, we sat outside waiting for fire department who arrived within a few minutes. They checked, yes indeed all out, yes indeed we were right to call, etc., etc., etc.. We rolled with it, joked a bit, nothing too precious lost, no damage other than to the oven we want to replace, a relatively minimalist intrusion of the malevolent universe into our life.

Except the whole bottom floor of our house now has a thin layer of white crap all over it. Which isn’t a big deal until you go to make a lunch, clean the counter for a second time, and it is STILL not clean. I gave up. I’ll buy Jacob a lunch for tomorrow. We have some electrical inspectors coming for something else tomorrow (related to the reno work), and house cleaners who will come clean EVERYTHING tomorrow afternoon to get rid of the white coating. But it is EVERYWHERE and it’s going to be showing up / annoying us for a long time.

Sure, I can tick the box about how minor it was or how lucky we were, blah blah blah. But I felt that only right afterwards. Now I’m more like, “Really? I can’t even make a lunch right now?”. Crapola on steroids.

And it doesn’t feel like I’m pushing through. It feels at best like I’m crawling out or squirming out from under crap that is piling up a little more rapidly than I would normally like. If age brings wisdom, I really hope it arrives soon, I could use some insight about now.

The Lacey Confession by Richard Greener (2006) – BR00224 (R2023) – 🐸🐸🐸🐸⚪

May 22 2023

Plot or Premise

When a rich and powerful man dies, leaving behind a lengthy and vengeful document of his life, many powerful forces move to capture the document before the document can be revealed to the public.

What I Liked

Whereas the first book read almost like a John Grisham novel, this second one seems like more of a Jeffrey Archer saga across the ages. The Lacey Confession is a document best kept hidden, or so many think. But the terms of his will are quite specific. On the fourth day after his death, it is to be released. Including details about major events of the 20th Century, including the assassination of JFK. While the story could be historical, or more like the Da Vinci Code, Greener roots the story in a young Foreign Service Officer who is the one who receives the document. Some want to protect him, and one hires Walter Sherman, aka The Locator aka The Finder, to hunt him down and find a safe place to keep him hidden. An assassin with pluck and a mysterious powerful CIA fixer are great main characters in the story.

What I Didn’t Like

There are two giant plot holes in the storyline and chronology of events. In the first instance, a lawyer representing Lacey reveals to the Foreign Service Officer that he has the document and gives it to him. Except he wouldn’t. He needed it in order to honour his client’s wishes, as he has for many years. He expects to be “thwarted” in his plans, and that he won’t be allowed to release the Confession, but it makes no sense he gives up the only copy to the random US FSO who shows at his office. Equally, at the end, the person who ends up with the document has it for six to eight weeks while Walter is otherwise engaged. Yet he apparently does NOTHING with the document. He doesn’t act on its contents, he doesn’t tell his partner for whom he is doing all of it, nada. Everything stands still and waits for Walter to be back in the game. The first is a mere plot device, not egregious, while the second is ridiculous and makes no sense whatsoever. It detracts enough from the story to knock it down a star.

The Bottom Line

The best in the series, but alas, there are no more

The Knowland Retribution by Richard Greener (2004) – BR00223 (R2023) – 🐸🐸🐸🐸⚪

May 14 2023

Plot or Premise

Walter Sherman has one unique skill. He can find anything that someone is searching for, which, most of the time, is a person. His nickname is the Locator, which he earned in Vietnam. Now he earns a living doing 5-10 jobs a year when people come to him asking him to find someone. In this first book in the series, a bunch of suits want him to find whoever is killing off the business people who were involved in a tainted meat scandal.

What I Liked

The premise is unique. While lots of series have private investigators who take on cases, including missing person cases, or series with police detectives hunting a serial killer, Walter isn’t any of these things. He only works by referral from someone that he has done work for in the past; he doesn’t advertise, he has no office or website, etc. Finding an anonymous killer? Not something he normally does. But the money is too good to say no, and it seems like the killer is worth catching.

The book series was made into a short-lived TV show (The Finder), with a number of significant changes — they made it that he was injured in Iraq or Afghanistan and can now find things, he’s not living in the US Virgin Islands, but somewhere in Florida, there’s an on-again/off-again love interest who is also a US Marshal, etc.

The business side of the story is pretty well-done, although a couple of the “bad” business guys are a little bit of a cliché. Nevertheless, it has almost an early John Grisham feel to it in places. And the bar near his home, Billy’s bar, with Billy and Ike as his two best friends, is really well done.

What I Didn’t Like

While Walter doesn’t know the identity of the killer, the reader does. And it takes some of the mystery out. Walter is barely present for the first 20% of the book, so it’s pretty heavy on an exposition of additional characters. Plus, while one of the main characters starts to identify with the killer’s sense of “justice,” and you are meant to see the callousness of the original, the vicious deaths that are delivered are only mildly explained. I never felt any sympathy for the killer, and the ending is questionable. There’s also no explanation of how he knows everything he does or how he found it all out; he just shows up, kills someone, and moves on. There’s only one scene where it shows him “stalking” someone, and even that is relatively bland.

However, I think my biggest objections are a love interest that we are told is all about passion but doesn’t seem to really drive any chemistry except in a scene or two, and the original “hook” that gets Walter involved is glossed over. The reader knows they are scummy people, but Walter’s reasons to help are murky at best. Later he reacts as if he was betrayed, but most of what they told him was relatively true — they just didn’t tell him the whole story, and despite being an ace interrogator, he seems surprised to learn other details they hid from him. Yet the story moves along at a good clip, so while I would be tempted to drop it to 3 out of 5, the pace bumps it back to 4.

The Bottom Line

Come for the Locator…who eventually joins the story

McNally’s Luck by Lawrence Sanders (1992) – BR00222 (R2023) – 🐸🐸🐸⚪⚪

May 8 2023

Plot or Premise

What starts as a cat-napping morphs into poison letters, threats and murder.

What I Liked

There are some decent psychological elements, albeit not well-developed, and a wide cast of characters … a grieving husband vs. a trophy wife who doesn’t care about the cat; a poor poet with a rich wife; and a gang of bunko artists ripping people off through astrology. The police partner has a larger role, including saving Archy’s life near the end.

What I Didn’t Like

The trophy wife and rich husband are complete caricatures with virtually no role in the case(s). They spend time talking about a specific model of word processor as the big clue to see who’s involved, and it really doesn’t stand up well 30 years later. Add in a woman “done wrong by a man” whom Archy gets to use as a playmate only to find out she’s turned lesbian overnight and a showdown that reads like a bad action scene from a ’70s TV show, and it isn’t that great a read. However, what bothered me most is that there is a GIANT clue that both McNally and his dad miss, it’s completely obvious to the reader, and it cracks the case wide open. Yet despite being glaringly obvious. Archy has to re-enact it to explain it to his father and the police detective, both of whom are amazed at his deductive skills. Sigh.

The Bottom Line

Love Archy, but not the best outing in the series

McNally’s Secret by Lawrence Sanders (1992) – BR00221 (R2023) – 🐸🐸🐸🐸⚪

May 7 2023

Plot or Premise

The book is the first in the Archy McNally series. Archy is the one-man investigations unit in his father’s law firm, handling discreet investigations for Palm Beach’s wealthy locals. One of their clients has been robbed, but she doesn’t want everyone to know. She just wants her stamps back.

What I Liked

Archy is a great character, and I love his interactions with the various members of high society or their associated entourages. Many people COULD have stolen the stamps, we see a red herring or two plus lots of little sub-stories to confuse the narrative. Most of the sub-characters are decent, if not extensively developed. And we get to meet his on-again / off-again paramour, Consuela in addition to the client’s self-absorbed children and a gay family friend.

What I Didn’t Like

There’s a red herring early on, yet nobody seems to follow up on it hardly. They should at least be ruling it out. Or talking to the people to see if they have any insights, but nada. Secondly, there’s an odd love triangle in the middle with very little to argue for the supposed outcome they all agree is the reality. And third, a giant “surprise” at the end is just simply odd. It should challenge Archy’s sense of morality, but he blithely brushes it off. It’s consistent with some of his behaviour, but it would have been nice to see him wrestle with it.

The Bottom Line

Great intro, love Archy