I mentioned in my previous posts that I would be addressing 12 aspects of my life over the next year to help me prepare for retirement in three years. The general premise is that most people plan for their finances, but not the other areas of their life to the same degree, and I want to mentally prepare myself. This month’s series of posts will cover one of the most important groups of issues in preparing for retirement — the big three, if you listen to some organizations. End-of-life plans,

I confess that I assumed as I went that I would have the answers for each topic by the time I finished each month. Or, more pointedly, that I would have the exact plan for the remaining time up to my retirement and thus be fully ready for my big day. Yet, as I have looked at the topic this month, and even some of the future topics, I realized that I may not be quite as solution-oriented as I expected. Instead, some of what I’ll come up with may be simply a plan-to-have-a-plan to get to my retirement plan. I may not have the full answer or even a good action yet.

I don’t know why that surprised me, but it does. Some questions may take me several months, or even years, to truly decide what I want to do. Anyhow, on with the show. Today, I’m starting with end-of-life planning.

As mentioned, most people think of retirement in terms of how they finance their life, not in terms of how it is all going to end. I started doing some reading on what end-of-life (EoL) discussions should look like, the areas that it might cover. Some of the readings were from governments, focusing mainly on getting your legal affairs in order; others were broader in focus, making sure you have the social, emotional and religious aspects of dying covered. Still others focused only on the health side or others focused on the practical side for those left behind, with binders of important numbers and documents.

Almost all of the sources talked mainly about pre-death and after-death issues, and generally argued that the best way to handle all of it was to know what you want and to have a candid discussion, however hard, with those who will manage your affairs when you’re gone. I did like the idea that they collectively suggested of talking to various groups for information and perspective:

• Family
• Friends
• Substitute decision-makers
• Health care providers (to get accurate medical info)
• Financial advisors (to have an up-to-date and accurate financial picture)
• Legal advisors (to ensure all the instruments are in place, if/when needed)

Yet, therein lies the first rub for not having a full “answer” to my questions. That is not a one-and-done exercise. I can’t say, “Okay, let’s blast through everything on Tuesday” and schedule my family at 9:00 a.m., my friends at 9:45, etc. That’s not the way that will work. Nor are the questions small. Let’s take a stab at the first one, as it may help contextualize things for everything else (spoiler alert — it doesn’t for me, but it does for a lot of people).

Q1: Do I have any religious or spiritual beliefs to address in the EoL process?

This includes my ongoing care, pre-death, or for my actual funeral. I initially thought, “Not really”. However, once I picked at things a little bit, there were things I would like and others to avoid.

For my ongoing care, I can’t think of any, that’s still true. I don’t need regular visits or to attend mass, nor do I feel the need for regular spiritual comfort or guidance. If I struggle with my mental health near the end, or more mood to be more specific, it might change.

For pre-death, my thoughts turned a bit broader than I expected. I am somewhat comforted by the idea of signing off from this mortal coil. In Catholicism, that would typically be a final confession and the administering of last rites. I am long lapsed from Catholicism, and I don’t believe in the literal idea of a Father, Son and Holy Ghost in any form that our brains have conjured. I believe in the possibility of a higher power, but if it exists, to me it is more like a collective consciousness of the universe or a higher plain of existence. I doubt it exists, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I confess that I still pray occasionally. Not to a deity of form and shape but to that larger universe. More like sending out good thoughts into the void. I don’t pray for specific things, I offer my gratitude for the life I have lived and the people in it, and a hope for strength. More of a mental bargain with the universe than a prayer, if that makes sense. And yet, I like the idea of some sort of final reckoning. It’s not a religious judgment day but a personal one. To look back at my life, to accept that the end is coming, and to be at peace with what I have experienced. Hopefully, it would be a mental preparation to allow me to say goodbye graciously to those who have improved my life by being part of it.

And I guess I would want a professional to help guide me through that conversation with myself. Maybe it’s the ritual aspect, an enhancement to the thought process. Maybe it’s the formality of it. But I think I would like that. Ideally, it would be someone I know, but that’s not likely. I’m not looking to go back to church or start my own cult. 🙂 I suspect, though, that I would be willing to have a spiritual advisor in a hospital stop by for a chat. The only person I can think of at the moment for an individual would be a friend of a friend, Hope, who is a military chaplain. I’ve chatted with her before when I struggled with the concept of faith and a life well-lived, but she’s not in Ottawa, nor are we close. But someone “like” her? There’s a book by a chaplain in the US called “Here If You Need Me” about her experiences dealing with state parks, accidents, rescues, etc. Someone like her, I think. But it could equally be a mental health professional, a social worker perhaps, instead. I used to talk regularly with a social worker who retired from CHEO, but that relationship has mostly run its course. She’s aged out of the therapy business. Or it could even be some form of simple toast ceremony, like a classic Chinese tea ceremony. A way to honour my passing while I’m still alive and that I can take a sip of something and something broader people could participate in. I don’t have an actual answer, just an inkling. It will take some more thought in the coming years/months.

For the funeral stuff, that’s easier. I know that I don’t want a religious ceremony with a service. I haven’t yet fully decided on cremation (my leaning) over burial (there’s probably some form of transubstantiation phobia going on tied to being worm food for eternity), but I like what we did for my mom at the funeral home in terms of a small get-together and some form of eulogy or at least a toast to my memory. It doesn’t have to be a full eulogy or anything, I know how hard it is to do them. And I will have already written my own, of sorts. I will have a goodbye message ready to upload and share after my death. My own obituary, perhaps, along with perhaps some goodbye messages. Regardless, I love the idea of a small event, some happy music. A playlist of the 70s and 80s. It should not be a sad mourning, but hopefully something more upbeat with jokes and laughter. An Irish wake, drubbed downward to be less about the drunken brawling and more about the smiles. Like the PandA wedding, without the photos, ceremony and elaborate planning. A cruise on the river would be perfect, or at least somewhere near water. (The water theme will return in future posts.) But in the end, that “event” is not about me, it’s about comforting those that are left behind. They will be the final arbiter of what it should look like and what would make them feel better.

For actual funeral arrangements, Andrea and I will still have to figure out some funeral plans, whether we buy plots, etc. But the more we can plan it out in advance, the less work for Jacob, I hope.

Finally, on organ donation, I’m totally open to anyone harvesting anything useful. What’s left won’t be me; it will simply be raw material to be reused or recycled.

These initial thoughts have given me six action items on my retirement to-do list. I can write my goodbye messages and obituary, and sign organ donation forms. Those are easy and concrete. The sign-off ritual, funeral arrangements, and wake options are less direct though, as I mentioned at the beginning. It is not so much a plan as a plan-to-have-a-plan. And I won’t nail them in the next month. Those may be part of the last two years before retirement aka the pre-retirement plan. I’m still in the planning of the pre-retirement phase. 🙂

ACTION ITEMS:
– Design an EoL “sign-off” ritual
– Make funeral arrangements
– Write goodbye message(s)
– Write own obituary
– Suggest options for wake/visitation
– Sign new forms for organ donation

And if you’ve read this far, I’d be happy to hear any ideas for pre-death / “live” ceremonies or suggestions for a wake/visitation!