Tag Archives: change

3×30: Day 2 of 30 days of change

The PolyBlog
September 4 2021

My journey of 30d of change started September 1, a Wednesday, and I’m blogging about the three things per day for 30 days that I’m doing for the month. My intent is to blog the day afterwards, so here is the short update for Thursday September 2nd.

Item 2.1 was a bit larger — we went to Jacob’s new school for a tour. This is a good example of the type of thing I want to do more of in my life.

We didn’t really need to do the tour, Jacob is 12yo, all good. But he does have anxiety issues, and it’s a good idea for him to see things in advance, know what to expect, even if he doesn’t absolutely need it. A simple safety valve that ensures a good start to his new school, particularly after 18m of virtual school from home. It’s going to be a big deal for him to be around other people all day again, AND to have to wear a mask, AND to be at a new school, AND in a portable, AND taking city buses to / from the school. It’s a lot of change for a single day.

When we talked to him about it, I offered him a ride for the first day, and he was like, “Nah, I’ve got it.” Mom and he had already done a dry run. Great. Except he doesn’t have his Presto card yet for the bus. And it isn’t clear where he’s going when he gets to the school. So we did a quick one-on-one visit to ensure he’s all good, met a learning support teacher, saw the likely portable he’ll be in. Just a little quick “look ahead”, and we found out too that even on the morning of the first day, parents are generally not welcome because they don’t want us taking up important social distancing space.

The reason I say that I want to do more of this type of thing is not related to Jacob. What I mean is that I want to do more of these simple top-ups, activities that aren’t necessarily required, but which can make everyone’s life a little easier, and ensures we have success for J on his big first day. J’s decided he would like a ride on Day 1, since he doesn’t yet have the bus pass from the school.

Would he be fine without a ride? Sure. Without having had the tour? Sure. But now we all know what he’s doing, where he’s going, and we’ve already dealt with a couple of minor stress points for him so he won’t have to figure it out while he’s dealing with all the other stuff going by him on Day 1. I’ll call that a win.

Item 2.2 was follow-up to yesterday’s item on my website. The host is doing the recovery and repair, I only had to upload some files, and redirect some links. The good news is they seem to have found a backup of a backup of a backup that is reasonably intact, so they may just restore the original server. In the interim, they’re trying to get my new lifeboat account going. I’ve done all my stuff, just waiting for them to fix the last bit. A little annoying, but not stressful. I haven’t lost anything.

Item 2.3 is related to the first one about Jacob, at least sort of, I guess. As I mentioned, he has had some anxiety about a couple of issues, and because of some likely upcoming surgery, we set him up with a social worker through CHEO that talks to him about some of the issues as well as coping mechanisms, calming techniques, etc. Stuff he can talk to us about, but a different voice helps. Oddly enough, while it was primarily for him, Andrea and I usually talk to her for 20-30m too, tell her what’s going on, what we’re doing, things we’ve seen, etc. I love the fact that Jacob is able to do this, in part because it reinforces to him that talking about emotions and mental health issues is normal. It’s not hidden, or secret, or scary. It also reinforces his own sense of empathy. He’s better at explaining his thoughts to us, and to others. He talked to the support teacher at the school, rather than shutting down, he asked questions of her, etc. He’s still shy, and he’ll always be an introvert, but he knows how to self-advocate better than he used to do. And so, again, it’s not 100% required but it makes his life better. I like those kind of top-ups.

Onward…

3×30: Day 1 of 30 days of change

The PolyBlog
September 2 2021

I feel like I’ve been drifting for the last little while. Some of it seems almost like depression, particularly where I have little energy as well as little interest in some things that normally give me pleasure. My sleep has been messed up for the last month, I’ve got some projects to get to around the house, and I’m just, “meh”. Sure, some of it is Covid, some of it is the dead cat bounce dropoff after a post-vaccine high. I still enjoy listening to Razamanazz by Nazareth, but it’s less compelling to get my juices flowing.

I’ve been reading various blogs and books about change, motivation, and more specifically, articles around jump-starts to your lagging energy. Many of them talk about the little things to get you going, kind of the typical philosophy that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, regardless of the evidence out there that much of that visualization on step one doesn’t work for certain personality types, including analytical introverts (i.e., me). We know it’s still only 1 step, and we can’t “trick” ourselves into thinking otherwise.

But, I still want to do SOMETHING in September, maybe harness some of the age-old “back to school” excitement in some way. Which has led me to the “3×30” idea. Basically, three things that I choose to do in a given day that is a bit out of the normal, something I am doing just because it makes some part of my life easier or moves me ahead on some project. Three items a day, thirty days in the month, ergo –> 3×30.

Yesterday was my first day, and I deliberately chose NOT to put anything big in the day. I didn’t want it to seem to myself that I had held off on something big, or that I was going to trick myself into thinking I was doing 90 big things for the month. Some of them are going to be quite small.

Item 1.1 is pretty small — I cleaned my work desk and installed a new work surface. I bought a vinyl deskpad a few weeks ago, saw some benefits to it including for example that I can use it as my mousepad. My existing mouse pad was a bit bigger than I wanted, and it didn’t work well to sit partly on one surface and partly on the desk beside. By contrast, the vinyl goes up and over the “lip”, and it’s flush with the desk. Everything fits well, all slides around nicely. Not “big”, but it is a bit different.

Item 1.2 was even smaller — I charged my Kindle. I have been actively trying to read more in the last four months, and while I did some of that on my phone, I really want to do most of it on my Kindle. After I uncovered its hidden location back in June (it was in a backpack I had checked several times expecting it to be there but it was tucked down in the bottom under two books I had never lifted fully all the way out to reveal the treasure!), I ploughed through some 50 books in June and July. I’m down a bit for August, not quite getting the re-energy boost that I normally do from reading, even though it is CLEARLY in the simple interest / mystery world. In August, I did some personal writing and have been reading some classic writers on writing (Lawrence Block, Stephen King, Syd Field, Blake Snyder, etc.). But my Kindle was getting low again, and I don’t have a great charging setup for mini-USB hubs at the moment. But I dug out a cable, hooked it to my desktop, back in business.

Item 1.3 is a bit of a cheat as it is more redoing previous steps than taking new ones. My host, WHC.CA, was the subject of some vandalism last weekend, and they have suffered fairly significant loss as a result. One result of the internal attack was that a bunch of website servers, including one that hosts three of my accounts, were reimaged and their backups wiped. For some people, it’s catastrophic. Everything they had is lost. If it had been last January, it would have been a pretty significant loss for me, and I’d be pulling out my hair. But I had that meltdown last February, my website situation is part of a more nuanced perspective now of my life, and, well, it’s easy to say all of that because I have a full offsite backup.

While my website is down, I was going to leave it a day or two more to see if the recovery process might produce better results, but in the end, I thought I would give it a small “go” myself. It’s not complicated — upload your backup, click a few buttons, good to go. Or at least it should have been. There’s a small niggling issue that the host has created what they call “lifeboat” accounts, which my backups don’t want to connect to, preferring instead to connect to the regular old account. As a result, I have to upload it manually and reconnect the database manually. Which I can do, but it’s a small pain in the patootie. And, well, I don’t have to. The hoster had the problem, not me, so if I upload to a specific directory, they’ll put it back together for me.

Which I decided to do. I turned it all over to them to fix and get going. If it doesn’t work, I can engage, but honestly, it’s more hassle than I need to take on. That’s what they’re paid to do. It might be faster for me to do it, it might be more satisfying for me to do it, but well, why take on work I don’t need to take on? I uploaded the files, stored them on the server, and said “Go to it”. They fixed it last night or this morning (I got confirmation early afternoon it is “up”) and I can see it, even if it isn’t fully public yet. That’s not on them, I had to change the internet DNS (domain name server) addresses to match the lifeboat over the regular accounts, and it usually takes about 24h for the internet to share those addresses with everyone. But fingers crossed. It seems to have worked so far. As such, I’ve given them the other two ZIP files and now I just wait for them to do the recoveries.

Three small “incremental” things to improve my life, although one is recovery more than progress I guess. Not big, just some small steps I’m taking to move the needle a bit. The big or important stuff often crowds out some of the smaller things, but some of those smaller things make a difference. Or at least I hope they do.

Onward…

Articles I Like: The Ultimate Guide for Reinventing Yourself

The PolyBlog
January 14 2020

I like the idea of ongoing change, and no better book exists in my view than Change: What Really Leads to Lasting Personal Transformation by Jeffrey A. Kottler (BR00118). I blogged about it extensively, but that doesn’t mean shorter pieces out there don’t catch my interest. Like this one from GetPocket although the original was Inc. This one takes the premise of “planning” your reinvention rather than settling for reacting to something and creating a spontaneous reinvention. It outlines some reactive ones (like a change in the market changing your business life), shifting businesses to a more sustainable model (although no reason that can’t apply to your personal life too), or a change in lifestyle (similar focus). However, the one I liked was the one the author called the “big Aha! moment” as a catalyst.

Many people waste years looking for a magic bullet and wallowing in their misery, I guess I wasn’t meant to do that. I remember as though it were yesterday, waking up one morning with absolute certainty that I would tender my resignation, change careers (although I had no idea to what), become a better person, grow spiritually, and become the best single parent possible. It was an evolution that took place over three years, and the journey continues, but I can say that I found happiness very quickly once I made the decision to change. 

The mere act of committing to change is the single biggest step you can take.

The Ultimate Guide for Reinventing Yourself | GetPocket

I like the categories, although I felt most of them were “reactive” even though he pitched them as “planning” for them. Not a bad list though.

Reading Jeffrey Kottler’s “Change”: Chapter 14 – Why Changes Don’t Often Last

The PolyBlog
November 15 2018

The last chapter of Jeffrey Kottler’s book, “Change”, was one of the ones I was most looking forward to reading — “Why Changes Don’t Often Last”. The sobering statistics are quite common in pop psych — the huge numbers of people who set New Year’s resolutions but abandon them before the first week is out (often from trying for perfection in “Just Do It” mode rather than incremental chain-growth like the Seinfeld method mentioned earlier), and that 80% of those who join gyms stop going after the first few visits even though they keep paying for membership for much longer (the illusion of still being committed that would be shattered by formally quitting their membership).

Oddly enough, I was quite surprised at the beginning of the chapter that those who study change don’t have a firm grasp of why it fails. First and foremost, those who are heavy at work in the change industry — like therapists or weightloss consultants — don’t know what happens after the patient reaches a goal. There is the pop psych results, such as the fact that almost all of the contestants on the weightloss show “The Biggest Loser” end up gaining all the weight back later. But there is no ongoing follow-up in most clinical or therapeutic settings. And thus no info on if the patient/client relapsed or slipped. Secondly, change is often not a “point in time” measurement but a journey, and thus is quite complex and difficult to measure quantitatively, particularly for a moving target. Thirdly, the results are demoralizing — huge numbers of relapses. So studying it isn’t very satisfying or helpful to clinical treatments.

Nevertheless, Kottler does have a rudimentary list in the headings of why change doesn’t last:

  • Limits of will…good intentions are not enough, and we don’t always have full control over our lives;
  • Unrealistic expectations or lousy goal-setting;
  • Dysfunctional beliefs…including defeatist attitudes, and, perhaps more importantly reasons NOT to change and stay stuck:
    • You feel justified in self-pity;
    • You can blame external factors or others for your problems;
    • You have an excuse not to do it;
    • You get sympathy;
    • No reward but no risk of change;
    • You can avoid addressing deeper issues;
    • You can be a jerk and blame your condition;

Put a little differently, “you can remain miserable on your own terms” [pg. 305]. It’s heavily about control of what is familiar vs. risking loss of control with trying something new. In other words, flat out fear.

But you also may lack support (or have others who are enabling triggers for your old behaviour — there’s a reason why alcoholics and drug addicts are actively encouraged NOT to hang around their old friends and family members who may have not only introduced them to their addiction but also actively enabled it…it’s hard to leave port for a better world if you’re still weighed down by an anchor that ties you to your old habits); suffer from other traits or moods that are not conducive to the change (and might need addressing too); or have poor coping skills / preparation (or even just lack the knowledge of how to implement a change).

However, all of the previous chapters came down to pages 308 to 315 for me. I wanted to make one very large change in my life — lose weight — and I was stuck. So I was looking for an enhanced understanding of why I was stuck and how to overcome it. These 8 pages helped me craft a kind of “to do” list.

Success depends on:

  1. Conducting a fearless inventory of the costs, benefits, patterns and triggers of your “issue” (to make all the pieces clear to you, both in pulling you forward and in resisting change);
  2. Finding the right motivation (to allow you to commit in the first place);
  3. Substituting better or different habits to replace the previous ones (even if just to use the time differently);
  4. Building in consistent rewards (to gamify the journey);
  5. Committing wholeheartedly (to carry you through); and,
  6. Changing the narrative of your journey (to reinforce the change and oppose relapses).

The book, and this list, gave me a way forward. I’ve handled 3 of the 6, and I’m working on the remaining 3. Onward to the journey! (#50by50ish #50 – Lose weight – Part 1, the decision).

Reading Jeffrey Kottler’s “Change”: Chapter 13 – Soliciting Support and Resolving Conflicts in Relationships

The PolyBlog
November 15 2018

Jeffrey Kottler says he saved the most difficult subject for last in his book, “Change”, and it is addressed by Chapter 13, “Soliciting Support and Resolving Conflicts in Relationships”. He isn’t kidding. There are some really tough things in this chapter, often dealing with abusive spouses, parents with addictions, and family problems out the wazoo. It is both a problem in and of itself as well as an obstacle to other changes being accomplished. A list he includes of the types of changes you would like to make in relationships is an extremely powerful one, simply put:

Changing the patterns of those that are frustrating, unsatisfying, or unfulfilling;

Setting boundaries for relationships that aren’t meeting your needs or are taking a bite out of your soul;

Reducing the level and intensity of conflicts with others, especially those locked into repetitive patterns;

Ending relationships that don’t seem amenable to necessary changes;

Enhancing intimacy with friends and loved ones;

Feeling and expressing more love and caring in current relationships;

Initiating and broadening new relationships that meet interests and needs that are currently unsatisfied;

Experiencing more authentic, caring, honest, respectful, and fun exchanges with people on a daily basis;

Processing and recovering from perceived slights and relational difficulties in the past;

Practicing forgiveness to let some things go and move forward without lingering resentment; and,

Learning from past mistakes, misjudgements, and relationship breaches in order to enhance future connections. [pp. 276-277]

If you’ve done any past soul-searching about relationships, you could likely read the above list and think, “Yes, please”. All of them sound good. I’ve certainly faced hard truths in the first four. In the end, it led me to one of my greatest insights and freedom from some avoidable pain…

I trust people to be who they are. Not who I want them to be, nor who I unrealistically expect they should be, but rather that they will be who they are. It’s stupid, I know, but it reminds me of a scene in a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode. Small geek diversion…Data is about to do a war game against Riker, and is trying to postulate what Riker will do. He starts to tie himself into knots to wondering if Data thinks that Riker will do X, then Riker could change his behaviour by knowing that Data thinks what he’ll do (X) and therefore Riker will do Y. Except if Riker knows that Data knows that Riker knows, etc…In the end, Troi counsels him that Riker can’t avoid being who he is at the heart (a risk taker with a penchant for innovative solutions). A stupid geeky reminder, but one that I find strangely comforting.

And from that “truth bomb”, that I should expect people to be who they are, I found the basis for a much different relationship with my mother when I set some clear boundaries (such as games I would not let myself be tricked into playing) and changed the pattern of expectation and disappointment from what I thought/hoped she would do to simply what she did do. I expected (and loved) her to be herself for her last ten years, not the mother I wanted her to be or expected she should be. Just who she was. By contrast, another relationship had passed its healthy expiry date and had become consistently toxic, so I ended it. And with #6, I make sure that I tell my son every day how much I love him.

I’m still working on many of the other ideas from #5-11.