I mentioned in my previous posts that I would be addressing 12 aspects of my life over the next year to help me prepare for retirement in three years. The general premise is that most people plan for their finances, but not the other areas of their life to the same degree, and I want to mentally prepare myself. This month’s series of posts will cover one of the most important groups of issues in preparing for retirement — the big three, if you listen to some organizations. End-of-life plans,
I confess that I assumed as I went that I would have the answers for each topic by the time I finished each month. Or, more pointedly, that I would have the exact plan for the remaining time up to my retirement and thus be fully ready for my big day. Yet, as I have looked at the topic this month, and even some of the future topics, I realized that I may not be quite as solution-oriented as I expected. Instead, some of what I’ll come up with may be simply a plan-to-have-a-plan to get to my retirement plan. I may not have the full answer or even a good action yet.
I don’t know why that surprised me, but it does. Some questions may take me several months, or even years, to truly decide what I want to do. Anyhow, on with the show. Today, I’m starting with end-of-life planning.
As mentioned, most people think of retirement in terms of how they finance their life, not in terms of how it is all going to end. I started doing some reading on what end-of-life (EoL) discussions should look like, the areas that it might cover. Some of the readings were from governments, focusing mainly on getting your legal affairs in order; others were broader in focus, making sure you have the social, emotional and religious aspects of dying covered. Still others focused only on the health side or others focused on the practical side for those left behind, with binders of important numbers and documents.
Almost all of the sources talked mainly about pre-death and after-death issues, and generally argued that the best way to handle all of it was to know what you want and to have a candid discussion, however hard, with those who will manage your affairs when you’re gone. I did like the idea that they collectively suggested of talking to various groups for information and perspective:
Family
Friends
Substitute decision-makers
Health care providers (to get accurate medical info)
Financial advisors (to have an up-to-date and accurate financial picture)
Legal advisors (to ensure all the instruments are in place, if/when needed)
Yet, therein lies the first rub for not having a full “answer” to my questions. That is not a one-and-done exercise. I can’t say, “Okay, let’s blast through everything on Tuesday” and schedule my family at 9:00 a.m., my friends at 9:45, etc. That’s not the way that will work. Nor are the questions small. Let’s take a stab at the first one, as it may help contextualize things for everything else (spoiler alert — it doesn’t for me, but it does for a lot of people).
Q1: Do I have any religious or spiritual beliefs to address in the EoL process?
This includes my ongoing care, pre-death, or for my actual funeral. I initially thought, “Not really”. However, once I picked at things a little bit, there were things I would like and others to avoid.
For my ongoing care, I can’t think of any, that’s still true. I don’t need regular visits or to attend mass, nor do I feel the need for regular spiritual comfort or guidance. If I struggle with my mental health near the end, or more mood to be more specific, it might change.
For pre-death, my thoughts turned a bit broader than I expected. I am somewhat comforted by the idea of signing off from this mortal coil. In Catholicism, that would typically be a final confession and the administering of last rites. I am long lapsed from Catholicism, and I don’t believe in the literal idea of a Father, Son and Holy Ghost in any form that our brains have conjured. I believe in the possibility of a higher power, but if it exists, to me it is more like a collective consciousness of the universe or a higher plain of existence. I doubt it exists, but it’s the only thing that makes sense to me. I confess that I still pray occasionally. Not to a deity of form and shape but to that larger universe. More like sending out good thoughts into the void. I don’t pray for specific things, I offer my gratitude for the life I have lived and the people in it, and a hope for strength. More of a mental bargain with the universe than a prayer, if that makes sense. And yet, I like the idea of some sort of final reckoning. It’s not a religious judgment day but a personal one. To look back at my life, to accept that the end is coming, and to be at peace with what I have experienced. Hopefully, it would be a mental preparation to allow me to say goodbye graciously to those who have improved my life by being part of it.
And I guess I would want a professional to help guide me through that conversation with myself. Maybe it’s the ritual aspect, an enhancement to the thought process. Maybe it’s the formality of it. But I think I would like that. Ideally, it would be someone I know, but that’s not likely. I’m not looking to go back to church or start my own cult. 🙂 I suspect, though, that I would be willing to have a spiritual advisor in a hospital stop by for a chat. The only person I can think of at the moment for an individual would be a friend of a friend, Hope, who is a military chaplain. I’ve chatted with her before when I struggled with the concept of faith and a life well-lived, but she’s not in Ottawa, nor are we close. But someone “like” her? There’s a book by a chaplain in the US called “Here If You Need Me” about her experiences dealing with state parks, accidents, rescues, etc. Someone like her, I think. But it could equally be a mental health professional, a social worker perhaps, instead. I used to talk regularly with a social worker who retired from CHEO, but that relationship has mostly run its course. She’s aged out of the therapy business. Or it could even be some form of simple toast ceremony, like a classic Chinese tea ceremony. A way to honour my passing while I’m still alive and that I can take a sip of something and something broader people could participate in. I don’t have an actual answer, just an inkling. It will take some more thought in the coming years/months.
For the funeral stuff, that’s easier. I know that I don’t want a religious ceremony with a service. I haven’t yet fully decided on cremation (my leaning) over burial (there’s probably some form of transubstantiation phobia going on tied to being worm food for eternity), but I like what we did for my mom at the funeral home in terms of a small get-together and some form of eulogy or at least a toast to my memory. It doesn’t have to be a full eulogy or anything, I know how hard it is to do them. And I will have already written my own, of sorts. I will have a goodbye message ready to upload and share after my death. My own obituary, perhaps, along with perhaps some goodbye messages. Regardless, I love the idea of a small event, some happy music. A playlist of the 70s and 80s. It should not be a sad mourning, but hopefully something more upbeat with jokes and laughter. An Irish wake, drubbed downward to be less about the drunken brawling and more about the smiles. Like the PandA wedding, without the photos, ceremony and elaborate planning. A cruise on the river would be perfect, or at least somewhere near water. (The water theme will return in future posts.) But in the end, that “event” is not about me, it’s about comforting those that are left behind. They will be the final arbiter of what it should look like and what would make them feel better.
For actual funeral arrangements, Andrea and I will still have to figure out some funeral plans, whether we buy plots, etc. But the more we can plan it out in advance, the less work for Jacob, I hope.
Finally, on organ donation, I’m totally open to anyone harvesting anything useful. What’s left won’t be me; it will simply be raw material to be reused or recycled.
These initial thoughts have given me six action items on my retirement to-do list. I can write my goodbye messages and obituary, and sign organ donation forms. Those are easy and concrete. The sign-off ritual, funeral arrangements, and wake options are less direct though, as I mentioned at the beginning. It is not so much a plan as a plan-to-have-a-plan. And I won’t nail them in the next month. Those may be part of the last two years before retirement aka the pre-retirement plan. I’m still in the planning of the pre-retirement phase. 🙂
ACTION ITEMS: – Design an EoL “sign-off” ritual – Make funeral arrangements – Write goodbye message(s) – Write own obituary – Suggest options for wake/visitation – Sign new forms for organ donation
And if you’ve read this far, I’d be happy to hear any ideas for pre-death / “live” ceremonies or suggestions for a wake/visitation!
I mentioned in a previous post (or ten or twenty of them) that I’ll be retiring in approximately 3 years. August 2027 is my expected date. Some things may change between now and then, particularly on the finance side, but that’s the current goal.
I have found that most retirement guides generally discuss financial investments as their primary focus. It’s the obvious part of the question—when can you afford to retire? If you could retire now and not have to work anymore, wouldn’t you do that? Not necessarily. Some people love the feeling they get from their work. But obviously, finances are perhaps the largest component for almost everyone.
Yet I know that there are just as important questions for me to answer on the health side. One of the various resources that I looked at framed it this way:
You know how much you need to invest financially to retire. Have you made the same health investments or social network investments? What about learning investments?
I have a decent idea of what I want to do when I retire. I am going to use the next 12 months to see if I have the right investment plan for those other areas so that when I reach my magical date, I will be ready in all spectrums. Here’s the plan, but I haven’t quite figured out the order:
Financial and legal issues
Health and fitness
Writing
Travel
Astronomy
Reading
Learning
Games and gaming
Cooking
Crafting
Volunteering
Social network
Twelve months and twelve headings is not a coincidence, but I could probably list a bunch as simply subheadings under something like “hobbies”. Except there is a bit of a legacy question, maybe an identity crisis buried in there too.
One question I liked in one resource was, “What do you want people to say about you when you die?”. Aside from your various interpersonal qualities (talking too much, telling lame Dad jokes, etc.), is there something you want to be remembered for aside from your “job”? Is it simply father, husband, son vis-a-vis relations with others, or something more intrinsic / internal to you, like being a painter or a runner?
If I am honest with myself, I probably wish that people would have seen me as a writer first, followed by a lifelong learner, and then somewhere down the list, add in astronomer, reader, and perhaps a crafter in multiple areas. Not an athlete, not a handyman, but maybe some basic abilities too.
Month 1, I’m starting with financial and legal issues. Feel free to tell me your own thoughts on my plan, I’m doing this openly in the hopes it might spark feedback from others too. Tally ho!
So, at the end of my previous post, I noted that I would do a quick summary of the techniques, and I have a very specific reason for doing so.
I struggle to achieve some of my goals. I’m committed to them; they’re important; but I get overwhelmed and lag. I need something more to help kick my butt. A checklist isn’t enough for those ones. So, I’m making a list in this very pedestrian fashion so that I can then pick and choose which “enhancements” / “rituals” I can add for specific goals that are challenging me.
Here’s my list:
Simple rituals
List the goals
Include checkboxes when completed
Schedule the activity
Add a duration element
Add a quantity element
Gamify to be a “chain” of achievements (the Seinfeld method)
Social engineering
Public announcement
Tribal (join a group)
Informal accountability (buddy)
Formal accountability (paid professional)
Participation and completion rituals using gamification
Performance / high score / personal best
Completion / participation element
Certification and combination rituals
Validation of completion (external)
Validation by test (standard)
Combination (through point systems)
Reward rituals
Simple
Combination
I’m a little shocked, to be honest. I knew that I hadn’t paid enough attention to rituals in goal-setting, hence my desire to work through this. I did NOT expect so many choices when I was done with my curation, and I’m sure I haven’t thought of them all. I know, for example, that I focused on ritual over ceremony, leaving out options where part of a “reward” or “completion” might be some form of party or ceremony to acknowledge that I’ve achieved something.
It is a good list; let’s see if it can help me prepare for retirement.
I previously wrote about simple rituals and social engineering rituals, and how they can be used to improve your ability to attain goals. All rituals essentially do the same — they are like “enhancements” to your approach to help keep you on track, motivated, and committed to achieving progress.
Gamification is a different animal. It combines four aspects of gameplay:
It tries to harness a sense of fun, just like playing games;
It adds some form of rules and structure (skipping is fun, but not really a game; if you have some sort of rules that say what is allowed or not, and likely some corresponding structure to the approach, you move from just playing around to some form of game);
It adds some thought as to game mechanics, which ties back to what is allowed and what is not…you do things in a specific way to play the game, types of moves, or behaviour, that help you advance in your goal; and,
It usually adds some sort of measure of success through a point system or achieving a specific state for the game.
Many people want to insist that there has to be a clear goal and a competitive element, but there are just as many cooperative games as goals that have multiple possible positive outcomes, I don’t believe it always has to be competitive and/or linear. Regardless, the intent is for the ritual to lead to both a change in behaviour and an increase in participation towards the goal.
The Seinfeld example from my previous posts is a simple form of gamification. Instead of just trying to do the individual activity and focusing on doing it once (writing some jokes that day), the goal changed to see how long of a daily streak you can create. Because it is so tied to the original activity, though, and doesn’t particularly change it, I left it listed as a Tier 1 tool, even though it included gamification. The next ones are a bit more complicated.
Tier 3: Participation and completion rituals
The performance ritual is familiar to anyone who has ever played just about any video game. It is the “high score” function. Playing Galaxians with wave after wave of invading aliens could be a tad too repetitive, even with the increase in speed and difficulty. So, game designers added a “high score” option so you would know if you did better than your last run. I still remember the time I was playing Pitfall on an Atari over the course of a weekend, and I managed to make it through the full 20-minute run without dying, and squashing the previous high score by a factor of about 15. I was in the zone. And as soon as I finished? I wanted to go again and see if I could get higher.
More sophisticated or elevated versions exist in competitive sports. The most common is the concept of your “personal best”. It’s not about beating others, not about coming in first, not setting a world record, that’s a different tool. Instead, it is just the idea that you are constantly striving to improve, and regardless of any other metric out there in your sport, the “personal best” is a way to add a performance ritual to your attempt. Are you going to beat Michael Phelps in a swimming race? Probably not. Nor any other Olympian. But you can always set a goal and try to beat your previous times. The “evaluation” against your own performance adds impetus to the activity — you’re not just swimming to get exercise, you’re not just swimming to get a good time, you’re swimming to put up your best time ever. Anything else beyond that — winning, beating others — is beyond your control. So you “settle” for celebrating what IS in your control — your personal best as your “goal”.
By contrast, completion rituals are about simply completing the task. Even though something is labelled a participation trophy, for example, it is awarded for completing the task (aka participating in this case), not on how you did. The act of completion is enough. I know, lots of people hate “participation trophies” as they fundamentally misunderstand what they are, partly because some of the people who make them are idiots and do huge trophies instead of reflecting what they really represent — souvenirs of participation. If you are in school, and they hand out ribbons for various sports, you will get a ribbon (say for baseball) because you were on the team and played. It doesn’t matter if the team won, or if you were any good. You were part of the team, so you get a ribbon. If you win trophies too, great, but regardless, everyone who participated used to get a ribbon, all the way back to the 50s. Participation awards are not new.
Marathons give medals to everyone who finishes. Now, you paid for it with your registration fee. Say, $15, which included a few dollars for a cheap metal souvenir that says “Ottawa Race Weekend, 20xx” and the date. EVERYONE who finishes gets one. I walked a 5K, and so I got a little medal. Lots of events use souvenir coins or pins. I didn’t attend the Royal Astronomical Society of Canada’s Annual Conference this past year, but I paid my registration fees to support them running it and thought I might watch a session or two (I didn’t). But because I was “part” of it, they sent me a nice little pin as a participation / souvenir / completion reward.
Apps go crazy for this now. Have you completed a level? Here’s a badge. Have you connected your social media accounts? Here’s another badge! I play a computer solitaire game on my phone, and it has rewards for doing regular games, event games, daily games, and daily challenges. And if you do it regularly, you can get a special badge even if you’re not doing well. All of them are really completion badges in disguise, looking like a performance metric. But the only real metric is that you finished. Yet apps add them and people compete for them, not to brag to others, but to measure their own progress.
There IS a pseudo version that is quite popular around the world, with the various virtual fitness challenges like the Conqueror Challenges, Pacer Challenges, etc. However, they are missing two of the three components of the normal certification ritual.
For example, I did the Giza Pyramid Conqueror Challenge.
It is a 46 mile / 75 km route that was designed by the “external” Conqueror Challenge company, so element 1 is met.
Element 2 — a performance metric — is virtually non-existent. While it looks at first blush that you have to cover 46 miles in daily increments to get it, everyone interprets the process differently. Some people decide that they will ONLY count walking they do specifically for the challenge. So they walk in their neighbourhood, get 2 miles and update the app to say they did 2 miles. When they get to 46, they “earn” the badge. Someone else could decide they are counting ALL the steps they take in a day, even if it was around their house and they never did any actual dedicated extra walking. Doesn’t seem quite the same challenge, does it? So if you were already walking 2 km a day through doing chores, and you continue to do 2 km a day, where was the “challenge”? Equally, others might decide that they are going to use their rowing machine, but since they don’t have a mileage indicator on their rowing machine, they’ll decide that 5 minutes of rowing equals a mile. If you point out that professional standards would put the distance closer to only a bit more than a kilometre in 5 minutes, they don’t care, they’re going to record a mile. Others will use it to count distance tied to how many pages they read in a book — no, I’m not kidding. And there are people online who can’t understand when they run 26 miles over the course of six months and claim that they “ran a marathon”, actual marathoners are kind of offended. There is no real standard, nor even the requirement to do the work to earn it at all…some people have said online that they forgot to log stuff for a while, so they went in and recorded a bunch of distances just so they could get their medal, whether they did them or not…they just put in enough fake distances to trigger the medal.
And when the person has self-reported to the app that they “did the work” to “earn the badge”, the company will ship you the medal you paid for in your registration fees. There is no one to say, “hey, wait a minute…did you REALLY do 180 miles in 3 days?”. There’s no confirmation, it’s just you telling them “Okay, ship it to me now.”
Now, before you think this process is useless, it’s not. It motivates a LOT of people. But while some people want to pretend there’s rigour attached, that you’re meeting some sort of standard, you’re not. It’s just a completion souvenir.
Tier 4: Certification and combination rituals
The next jump in the “progress continuum” is about certification rituals in one of two forms — a validation of completion by an external organization OR a validation of completion through a test. They are both quite similar as they include three components:
A process is established by an external group;
There are specific steps or performance metrics to “earn” the reward; and,
The external group reviews to see if you made the grade.
For certifications based on “validation of completion“, the best-known ones of all time are Boy Scout badges. The Boy Scouts (as the external organization) have set the specific steps that need to be completed in order to earn a specific merit badge. For example, to get the merit badge for space exploration (https://www.scouting.org/merit-badges/space-exploration/), you have to do eight separate things, all with individual details that you have to address:
Explain the purpose of space exploration;
Design a collector’s card of your favourite space pioneer;
Build, launch, and recover a model rocket;
Discuss and demonstrate four specific space and rocket topics;
Do two of three things about robotic and planetary missions;
Describe the purpose, operation, and components of a space vehicle or the International Space Station;
Design an inhabited base;
Discuss two possible careers in space exploration;
Your counsellor or troop leader will evaluate you to see if you did all the steps and confirm it in writing to the Boy Scouts organization so you can get your badge. An external org, a process, and external confirmation of your completion. You can’t just submit it yourself to say you did it; your troop leader or someone in your troop has to confirm you did it.
As an adult, there are still examples of validation of completion, often through adult hobby clubs. For example, I’m a member of several astronomy clubs, and most have some form of an “observing” challenge. For almost all of them, you have to do a combination of several things…for example, you often have to be a member of the organization for it to count; you have to register your intent in advance to say, “I’m going to do this challenge”; you then have to follow the list of steps the organization requires, although they can often be done in any order and with frequent flexibility, such that you’re doing five of seven steps or two of three targets within a step; and when you’re done, you often must “submit” evidence that you did everything that someone in the organization attests or validates. Only then will you get your completion badge / certificate / pin / medal.
By contrast, fitness programs are often good examples of a “validation by test”. In Canada, it was the Canada Fitness Award Program; in the U.S., it was the President’s Challenge. This isn’t to certify you as some professional, nor a licensing requirement for something, it is just a measure of your performance. It is an external performance standard that you can use for your “personal best”, perhaps, although instead of you setting the standard, an external organization has set it. In Canada, you got a bronze, silver or gold for individual athletic tests, but if you ranked high enough in a certain number of them, you could earn an award of excellence.
You may wonder why I’m spending so much time and space on this tier of rituals or why it is so high in the rankings. These types of rituals are somewhat unique. You are not just using your OWN goal-setting nor your OWN judgement as to what constitutes meeting the goal; an outside agency or professional has said, “Here is the standard.” Again, it looks like the previous ones with various targets, steps to follow and complete, and added an accountability ritual on standards. You literally can’t check the box until someone else says you can check it. That is a pretty big step to add to your efforts and raises the level of commitment required.
The last type of ritual, combination, is a bit softer than the previous two. It is often used where there is no standard for what you want to do / accomplish. I include it in this section as a creative tool, one that creates gamification where none presently exists, and adds side quests together. Let’s look, for example, as to what it means to be a “writer”.
The simplest definition of being a writer is to write. If you sit in your seat, and write, you’re a writer. That’s it, that’s all. That meets the definition of a writer.
Now, add in some publishing snobbery, people will quickly say, “Well, yeah, but is it any good? Is it gibberish? Would anyone read it? Would anyone BUY it?”. And so some people will say the standard is that you have to have sold something. Which means all the 1000s of would-be writers who have not broken into the publishing world yet are not writers until some gatekeeper says they are a writer. Hmm…not a lot of people like that standard. So they start creating their own definition of what makes them a writer. Perhaps this includes some of the following:
Writing at least 500 words a day (or some other total);
Their 101st sale (to eliminate just friends, don’t you know);
etc.
Of the nine above, perhaps they really like the idea of combining finishing it, self-publishing, and having their first sale. Even if it was their mom who bought a copy. If they take those three, they may often then say, “Okay, if I do these three things, I can call myself a writer”.
If you want to see how subjective this can be, I’ve written published reports for the Government where I was the primary author. Does that make me a writer? Or perhaps an editor of other people’s input?
I have over 2 million words in blog form, does that make me a writer?
I have written a guide to HR competitions in multiple forms, people use it, read it online, but it isn’t “formally published” or even formatted completely as a book. Am I a writer?
My guide has been downloaded well over 5000 times, which would technically make it a best-seller by Canadian standards. Does that make me a writer?
I intend to format it as a book, may eventually sell it online; will self-publication make me a writer?
I’m not trying to debate my status, I’m pointing out that if MY goal is to be a writer, then it is my goal and my definition that matters to my goal-setting. What do I mean when I say “I want to be a writer”. There’s no official standard out there, so I might combine four or five things, or ten, or only three and say, “That’s my standard”.
That combination of smaller goals into a larger goal is a ritual, whereby the individual goals are “raised” up to be more important, part of a larger task, driving me to take something small like “writing 500 words” and making it part of a much bigger goal. Driving all the combined elements to work together, giving a synergy that individually they might not have.
Tier 5: Reward rituals
The final tier is amongst the easiest to understand and one of the hardest to do well. A reward ritual is based on the recognition that self-satisfaction in achieving a goal may be insufficient motivation to do something. So, instead, we add a reward to the end. For example, if I write 500 words this morning, I will reward myself with a cup of hot cocoa this afternoon. Or if I can lose 25 pounds, I will reward myself with that nice dress I want.
Seems simple enough, right? If I ring the Pavlovian bell the right way, I’ll get my doggie treat. Activity completed, reward earned.
Unfortunately, it is not that easy. There are issues to monitor. For example, if your goal is to lose weight, you don’t want your reward to be a sugar binge. And yet many people do exactly that…they tie their goal of some form of deprivation of something they enjoy to letting themself have it if they deprive themselves of it. If you could eat a sugar cookie any day, then what’s the motivation? Particularly if you were eating them previously. You’re creating a false “deficit” to give yourself a “false reward”.
Equally, you have to ensure that the goal and the reward are relatively proportional. If you write 500 words one day, you shouldn’t reward yourself with a new car. Nor can you give yourself a raisin. It’s not the same scale. You COULD perhaps write every day for a year and reward yourself with a nice rental for a weekend trip. Or a raisin scone on Fridays when normally you settle for a plain one.
And finally, you don’t want the reward to be something that doesn’t actually motivate you. If you don’t care about clothes, a new dress doesn’t motivate you. If you’re not a gearhead, a special car rental or new car might mean nothing. If you don’t really care about raisin scones, then a raisin scone isn’t a motivating factor.
In an ideal world, the reward should be a) new, aka not something you already do; b) significant enough that doing it means something to you, not a quick throwaway item; c) not so significant that it requires too long of effort to earn it; and d) reinforces the actual goal being measured. For example, if you are banging away on a desktop computer, and what you really want is a laptop so you can work outside, well, maybe showing yourself you can meet your goals on your desktop is your way to “earn” the laptop after six months. Or you’re into kayaking, and there is a high-end version you would like because it would be more maneuverable in rapids…maybe if you show yourself that you’re able to go kayaking three times a week, the “reward” of the new kayak is justified by your commitment to and investment in kayaking.
Often though, it is combinatorial in nature too. So, again, going back to the writing, what if instead of writing, your goal was to pursue creative outlets in your life. Writing, painting, knitting, and singing, perhaps. While individually they might be relatively small investments and sub-goals, together they may make for a larger “combined” goal. And you measure THAT goal.
I hesitate to consider this a separate goal for something, as it isn’t really a separate ritual, more a modification to this last one, but you CAN give yourself a point system to measure your progress over time. For example, suppose your four goals are:
Write more;
Attend a painting class;
Complete a specific knitting project as a gift; and,
Join and attend a choir.
That is very hard to measure progress on regularly. On the other hand, you could say, “I want to write more” but you give yourself one point every week you write more than 3x that week of at least 500 words each time. For the painting class and choir, perhaps you get one point for each outing. For the knitting project, maybe it’s a set of three mittens for your nieces, and you are going to give yourself 10 points every time you finish a pair. After 12 weeks, let’s say you have 5 points for writing, 8 points for painting, 2 points for choir, and 1 point for mittens. So 16 points in total. And you are waiting until you earn 30 points before you take a pottery class. If you feel that any of the sub-pieces are dragging you down, you can always focus on other things in the “mix”. And you’ve essentially gamified the whole set. It’s not a tickbox, you’re trying to combine like things together to motivate you to be more creative. If you really are interested in taking a pottery class sometime, this may be a great way to motivate yourself a cross a broad area, and add a series of “granular shading” to your reward system.
When my son was old enough to put his contact lenses in himself, we set him up with a simple reward system. Up until then, Andrea or I had to insert or take out his lenses early on, or Andrea later, or Jacob could remove them on his own for a while. But insertion is a different level of self-care. Most kids needing contacts learn between 5 and 9 years old, and Jacob was in the middle. He got new lenses, a bit different style and easier to handle, and so it was time.
We set up the goal that it was to TRY and put in the lenses. If he tried, he got one point. If he got it in one eye, he got two points. And if he got it in both eyes, he got three points. When he got to 100 points, aka the 30 day approach to creating a habit, he could have a reward. He chose a Vegas Golden Knights t-shirt. It worked perfectly. There were no days that he didn’t try, the points motivated him, he always wanted his point. And only 2/30 tries where he only got one lens in, the rest were both eyes. It wasn’t easy for him, he struggled some days, but the goal was to try and to learn how to do it himself. And he nailed it. Recently, we’ve created something similar with all his appointments and activities that he has to do, even when they’re not fun on their own. We added a tracking ritual combining points for each activity and daily “tier” points depending on how well he does…so he gets 10 points for certain things, 25 for others, etc., and at the end of the day, if he gets 125-150 points, he gets 1 reward point; 150-175 in a day gets him 2 reward points; and 175+ gets him 3 reward points. When he gets to 150 reward points, he can get himself a specific pre-negotiated reward. This is way more work than his lenses, and takes longer, so it wasn’t a small reward either, it was about $200 in the end. His journey continues, and as he earns his rewards, it feels almost like those tickets you can earn at arcades to buy something later.
That’s it, that’s all I have for the various rituals. I’ll do one more “summary” post and then apply the techniques to my most difficult goals.
After the simple rituals I mentioned earlier, the second tier of rituals relies on the work of social engineers. All of them tap into your social network of family and friends, maybe even acquaintances, maybe even people you haven’t met yet, and up the ante of “not” doing your goals to increase your personal accountability.
Weight loss programs, for example, often combine a host of social engineering tricks. For those who have struggled with their weight, one of the biggest tricks is a public announcement. You state not only that your goal is to lose weight … dun dun dun … but also what your current weight is (perhaps) AND the size of the loss you want to achieve.
This can be a very complex issue with many people recommending extreme caution if you use “public” pronouncements for your goals. For example, in weight loss programs, it can be great if stating a public goal actually motivates you towards your goal. Except weight loss is not necessarily the true goal — being healthier is the real target. So someone who does an extreme diet might “make their goal”, but it might not be a good thing. Think of all the unhealthy food disorders out there, often tied in with body-shaming. A public announcement can be powerful, even empowering, but if you subsequently fail to achieve your goal, will your motivation and self-esteem go the other way? Or will the commitment itself skew you to the extreme?
Most experts come down on the cautionary side of using public announcements only for goals that have very little gray area around it. For example, rather than setting a weight loss goal, if you wanted to set a goal like a Conqueror Challenge of walking a certain distance in a certain amount of time, there’s nothing inherently dangerous about that on its own. You can announce you walked 3.2km today or you made it to milestone 3 or you’re 15% of the way to the distance goal! A walking goal by itself is more neutral than a weight loss goal.
The next two forms look almost identical but they work slightly differently. One of the biggest things for workouts that experts recommend is to either join a gym / take classes OR work out with a buddy. The group option is a form of a tribal ritual. It’s essentially a simple variant on finding people who like to do the same things you do and then doing things as a group. If you like astronomy, join an astronomy club. If you like reading, join a book club. The whole point is to join a tribe of like-minded people and do things together. In theory, this obviously works way better for extroverts than introverts, but even for introverts, an organized structure often alleviates anxiety. The buddy option can be similar, depending on the form it takes. If it is simply, “Hey, let’s go kayaking together sometime,” that’s a simple tribal variation with a tribe of two people — you and them.
On the other hand, if it is more, “Hey, let’s go kayaking every Tuesday or Wednesday morning”, then you’ve altered the HOW and WHAT again (just as was done in Tier 1), and made a new activity. Not simply are you going to go kayaking, now you have turned it into an informal accountability ritual where you and your friend now rely on each other to reinforce the goal. Ultimately, the real difference is not the number of people involved but what the minimum number of people is required to do the activity. If you are part of a tribal ritual, and you miss a week? No big deal. Nobody really notices but you. Everybody else still does their thing. For a mutual accountability ritual, even informal, there’s an element of you letting the others down. Your partners will “hold you accountable” for your goal, calling you up to say, “Hey, are we on for Tuesday or not?”. Because they need support, too. Programs like alcoholics anonymous try to do this with sponsors; in addition to mentoring, they also try to ensure you make it to the meeting each day/week/etc.
The next one is a strange variation of the accountability ritual. Take the example of someone going to the gym and working out, either by themselves, in a group or with a buddy. Now contrast that with someone who has hired a personal trainer to work with them every Monday afternoon from 4:00 p.m. to 5:00 p.m. At first glance, someone might think that is simply a question of scheduling. You know, the same as the Tier 1 scheduling. But is it?
First and foremost, you’re going to pay that trainer. That’s a commitment that is VERY different from the rest of the situations. You are taking it seriously enough to pay someone to help you do it better or properly. Second, you’ve got a professional helping you. Not some random dude that has no more knowledge than you. Third, you’ve scheduled a set time. That was only one component of the simple scheduling option. And last, that trainer is going to see how you’re progressing, whether you show up, etc. They’re going to call you, push you, hold you accountable, force you to set goals and then tell you how to reach them. And most GOOD trainers will drop you as a client if you’re wasting their time. They like money, but if they’re good, they won’t bother working with someone who is looking for a social buddy to talk to while they pretend to work out. Ultimately, it changes the mutual accountability ritual into a formal accountability ritual.
As an introvert, I do not usually like any of these types of social engineering rituals, but some people find them very powerful. One of the reasons I am doing this “inventory” of options, though, is to see what I’m missing that might potentially help me going forward. Which might include the social engineering ones. Ewww, people. 🙂