If you receive an e-mail or text with a subject line of “Badtimes,” delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.
It will re-write your hard drive and wipe your phone. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator’s coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your TV and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
It will give your ex-boy/girlfriend your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there’s company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.
Badtimes will make you fall in love with a hardened pedophile. It will give you nightmares about circus midgets. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will seduce your grandmother. It does not matter if she is dead, such is the power of Badtimes, it reaches out beyond the grave to sully those things we hold most dear.
Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will wantonly remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, and refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Tag Archives: humour
JotD: Obituary (PWH00025)
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes — conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
JotD: Traffic accident (PWH00009)
There was a horrible automobile crash and the driver of the car lay on the side of the road dying. A passerby said to him kindly, “why don’t you say a prayer?”
“I don’t know any,” said the stricken man.
“Haven’t you had any contact with religion?”
“As a boy, we used to live next to a Catholic Church.”
“That’s it!” said the well-wisher. “Just repeat what you heard in the church!”
“Okay,” said the injured man. “Under the B-15! Under the I-22!”
JotD: Oy vey (PWH00008)
Henry Cohen’s parents were not happy that he was not married by the age of 30 and they kept telling him so. He wanted to please his parents but couldn’t meet a nice girl. In desperation, he married a goyish prostitute.
His new wife’s friends worried because she had stopped showing up at her regular streetcorner, but one evening she appeared, in new clothing and fancy jewelry. Naturally, the friends were curious and she told them how she had married a nice Jewish boy.
“What about his parents?” they asked.
She answered, “They love me. After Henry told them about us, they had a party every evening for a week. They call it shiva.”
JotD: God’s Total Quality Management Questionnaire (PWH00006)
Manufacturers of God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage of our product. In order to better serve your needs, we ask that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Tabloid
__ Word of mouth
__ Bible
__ Koran
__ Torah
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Communist Manifesto
__ Bhagavad-Gita
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other sources (specify): _____________2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost Triplet
__ Jehova
__ Yoweh
__ Jesus
__ Alah
__ Satan
__ God
__ G_d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ NoIf no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here: ____
4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of murder by a missionary
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Like Organ Music
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin
__ Cthulhu
__ Zeus
__ The Almighty Dollar
__ Apollo
__ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb
__ Other: ________________6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Lottery
__ Astrology
__ Television
__ Fortune cookies
__ Advice columnist
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Dianetics
__ Palmistry
__ Playboy / Playgirl
__ Self-help books
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ EST
__ Mantras
__ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ Barney Fife
__ Other: _____________________
__ None7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. The current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don’t know…what’s Divine Intervention?8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
cable / cell phone providers 1 2 3 4 5
Windows / Apple / Android OS 1 2 3 4 5b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (except Cuyahoga) 1 2 3 4 5
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCR that set its own clock 1 2 3 4 5
local baseball / football / hockey club winning the Series / Bowl / Cup 1 2 3 4 59. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God’s services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)