Way back when I was at law school at the start of the 90s, the school did a skit night once a year. Normally, this would be something I would abhor and run the other way. For some strange reason, I decided I would not only support it, I would perform. I have no idea what I was thinking.
I decided to do it like Saturday Night Live, and do it as a “Weekend Update”, divided into two segments — one for local news (i.e. Begbie’s Update for the name of the law school building) and one for international news. I confess when I did the first joke, there was dead silence for about a second while they figured out what I said and where I was going with the humour, and then huge laughter. I managed to gather some of the largest laughs of the night, which from the material below you can tell there was little competition. I became instantly famous with several of the “targets” who had no real idea I existed before that night. But that second of dead silence was the longest week of my life.
I have no idea why I’m sharing it, and I don’t have all the final copy (I thought I had a joke in there about one of the professors being run over by a big yellow bus, his favorite tort example, but I deleted it on the night as everyone was doing that joke in one form or another).
Good evening, I’m Paul Sadler, and welcome to Begbie News Update. At the top of the hour, we start with U.S. politics.
U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle visited B.C. this past week and it was obvious right from the start that diplomatic relations were somewhat strained, with the VP trading jibes with the Premier. VP Quayle berated the premier for the Columbian Drug Traffic into the U.S., while Premier Harcourt complained that VP Quayle was only visiting Vancouver for the first time, yet lives in Washington, and Washington is so close.
In other U.S. news, the parties are gearing up for the upcoming Presidential election. Many candidates have previously announced, but political experts are still watching Senator Edward Kennedy for his decision. What asked if he would consider running, Teddy was quoted as saying, “When I returned, Mary Jo and the car were gone…”.
In business news, a surprising lawsuit this week involving Zeller’s and business owners Saatchi and Saatchi. Richard Posner is suing them for attempting to exert powers beyond normal commercial powers with their new ad slogan, “The lowest price is the law.”
Begbie made the front covers this week when second-year couple Jamie Mills and Kathryn Maclean were arrested by the FBI while vacationing in Las Vegas. They have been charged with organized crime, racketeering, and running illegal sports betting operations. In a shocking twist, Mills agreed to turn state’s evidence against Maclean, claiming that he actually knows very little about sports or gambling, and he was just acting as a frontman for Ms. Maclean.
In entertainment news, the longest trial in history concluded today with a not guilty verdict for a Marcel Marceau impersonator accused of committing murder in a convention hall full of mimes. The trial lasted for 12 years, with over 3000 mimes testifying. While the not guilty verdict was appreciated, the accused is still stuck in an invisible box.
The arrogant among us had reason to celebrate this week with a probate court ruling overturning an earlier ruling. The will has been successfully contested, and the meek will no longer inherit the earth. Appeals are being considered, if the applicants feel worthy enough to apply.
***
Welcome back, I am Paul Sadler, and this is the local news.
Rumours were flying earlier this week that Professor Waters had announced his upcoming retirement this year at the age of 237. Rumours of his retirement have floated every year since he started, but there was a slight bit of truth this year. Professor Waters will no longer be teaching Property Law to keen first-year students. Instead, he is going to be appointed to the history department to teach world history. No change in course content is expected.
Begbie was also the home this week to some exciting medical news. First-year students Jasmine Ahmad, Neva Beckie and Rhonda Maines became the first people to undergo an attachment procedure to become so-called Siamese triplets. Now they literally are inseparable.
It was a confusing week for constitutional law professors Ted McDorman and Hester Lessard who were both arrested but in separate incidents. Professor McDorman was arrested on Monday for badly impersonating Socrates, and announced his intention on Tuesday to prove the charges were complete fabrications only to plead guilty on Thursday.
In a separate case, Professor Lessard was arrested while protesting a ban on wearing love beads in the office. During the trial, Professor Lessard successfully argued freedom of expression, not for the love beads themselves, but that being placed in handcuffs at the time of arrest prevented her from being able to communicate. After the decision, Professor Lessard was quoted as saying (accompanied by elaborate hand gestures), “I feel liberated but I still feel the courts were being incredibly formalistic.”
It seemed like happier news would come from the maternity ward this week, but alas, it was not to be. Wendi from reception is facing jail time for the illicit selling of student code names that were actually easier to remember. Evidence of a Swiss bank account was quite compelling, but she will be allowed to retire quietly. In related news, when she does eventually deliver, in order to prevent any inequality amongst students, the sex of the baby will not be released to upper-year students until approved by the Dean, and then only from the front desk at reception.
We have a sad update to share. Search parties are still looking for the third-year class, missing now since September. If anyone can help us find them, please volunteer your time. Efforts are being hampered due to the fact that no one is completely sure what a third-year looks like, although there have been many false sightings over the past few months. Many theories abound as to the cause of their disappearance. Some believe they were Shanghai’d by April, forced to join her co-op commandos on assignment in Ottawa. Others believe they have been watching reruns of Star Trek and have simply just lost track of time.
We conclude tonight with a summary of the week’s action at the Supreme Court of Canada. It was absolutely thrilling for anyone who is an avid Supreme Court watcher.
On Monday, God was appointed to the Supreme Court.
On Tuesday, civil rights advocates picketed outside the Supreme Court building arguing that God’s presence was a clear violation of the need to separate church and state.
On Wednesday, NDP leader Audrey McLaughlin applauded the addition of another woman to the court.
On Thursday, centralists were fighting with the provincialists…not about the appointment, they just like to fight.
On Friday, the Liberals put forth the strongest case against God’s appointment, arguing that it violated the pith and substance of the 10 commandments as well as the Charter, amounting to nothing more than patronage of a strongly conservative influence.
The NDP argued that they were in favour of anything resembling a miracle, particularly around election time.
On Saturday, a conference was organized by prominent women’s groups of “GodGate”, and demanding to know God’s views on morality, sex education, abortion, creation science, and women’s equality under the law.
In a surprising turn, God announced he was resigning his controversial seat, and returning to private practice, after a long rest at the Kennedy estate in Florida.
That ‘s all the news for this hour. Remember folks, I don’t make up the news, I just report it.
Good night.
