I have the song, “I saw the sign”, by Ace of Base, going through my head (and it’s probably going through yours now too, sorry about that!). If I was being honest with this post, it should be titled “I missed the sign” because I did. I missed a sign that was staring me in the face for over a week because I was focused on the day-to-day detritus of daily life, not the broader world. Let me explain.
I posted earlier this year that I was facing depression and had to choose amongst three options (My seven ways to respond to depression // Choosing between three depressions // Deciding on my way forward). I ended up opting for a very aggressive “F*** the Universe” approach, which was not about saying “screw everyone”, although at least one person thought that’s what it meant. No, I meant that the universe seemed to be sending me signals about certain things, and rather than listening to them, I chose to give the universe the middle finger and pretend everything was a raging success. Literally telling the universe itself to go screw itself, not the people in the universe. Astronomy was one of the areas where the universe was messing with me, but there were others (FtU Update – 30 days in). But regardless of what method I use, the depression still sits there. Maybe mitigated, maybe not, but it’s there until it’s not. The only way out is through.
I’ve been on holidays the last two weeks, which has been good for my mental and physical health, and I have detached so much that I’ve actually forgotten my password for my work phone. Either that or it’s just futzed on me and won’t accept my password. I’ve got one more day and then I’ll be back at it on Wednesday, so the IT people there can figure it out for me.
But just over a week ago, I was back at home after a busy couple of nights doing star gazing, I was doing some planning for a few things in the next six weeks, and I was feeling overhwhelmed. Stressed even. And I missed the sign.
Oh, sure, I saw that I was stressed. That was easy. I could even articulate some of it. But I missed the sign.
I was stressed. STRESSED. Something I can’t feel when I’m depressed because it dampens everything down. I’d broken through the depression (some areas of progress that will likely be part of future posts, perhaps) and I hadn’t even noticed my emergence, partly because I was ignoring any signals from the universe. I was feeling better, more upbeat, more optimistic about my ability to do certain things, and I was slowly starting to ratchet back up my planning for various events and habits. Of course, I’m still physically depleted energy-wise, and so I was feeling overwhelmed quicker than usual, but I missed the sign that feeling ANYTHING, even STRESS, was a sign.
♫ Life is demanding, without understanding.
I missed the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I missed the sign. ♫
A weird form of progress, to be sure, but progress never the less.
I hate the reality of personal domino theory. I do, even though I know most of you have no idea what I’m talking about. Psychologists have much more complicated words to describe the universe “overwhelming someone”, feeling you don’t know where to start, etc., and at first blush, someone could mistake that experience / emotion for the same as mine. But it’s not. No, my problem is not a feeling of helplessness, it’s a lack of motivation or lack of connection between goal and the means to achieve something. Confused yet? Let me explain.
I want to set up my new home gym, a Bowflex unit I bought back in December. My original intent was to have it up and running by the new year, and then February, March, May, June. And yet it is still in a box. I’ve achieved other goals, but not this one, so since I’m one to delve into motivations, why not this one? Is it fear of the project? Nope, although the explanations and reviews online suggest it is not 100% straightforward. Is it lack of desire? Nope, I want to use it. If it was set up, I’d use it today. So not the project and not the use, what then? The steps to get there.
Here’s my personal domino world:
In order to use the gym system, I have to have it fully set up and usable;
To set it up, I’m going to need some help (likely from Andrea, maybe someone like a friend Paul who is good with tools and things, including instructions, and potentially bribe-able with good Thai food, conversation and board games);
I also need space cleared to put it when it’s together, and therein lies the start of the rub, as I’ve got my eye on the corner of the basement;
To get that space cleared, I need to move two coffee tables over and decide what to do with Jacob’s toy train stuff and whether we’re going to convert it to a Lego table or get rid of the tables;
I need to move a regular table to the centre of the room;
I need to move a couch and a chair, to new arrangements in the room;
I need to move the TV from one wall to another, including adjusting all the electronics in the unit to potentially ditch a Wii that might be malfunctioning, decide if I’m keeping a Playstation 1 and/or a N64, decide if I’m keeping the console stereo system in the unit or giving it away to my brother or father-in-law, and move a setup for an VCR so that my laptop can still reach it and allow me to rip a diving video that sits in VHS-land;
I need to reorganize three small shelving units which have a lot of “extra” stuff on it in front of DVDs, and potentially sort through some DVDs we no longer need;
I need to make enough room in front of the new TV setup to do yoga, and set up my laptop to play videos for working out;
I need to reposition a really heavy recumbent bicycle, and assemble the pieces that I disassembled six years ago when we moved, get it up and running, and within view of the TV so Andrea can watch TV while using it too;
And before all of that happens, take about 30 boxes of stuff that were moved out of my back storage area and now sort them into 2 or 3 piles so I know what I’m keeping, what I’m throwing out, and what we’re selling to clean that area up too, and then put it where it needs to go so I have some space to move.
There’s about another 8 small steps in there too, but you get the picture. I’m even leaving out the fact that there is a giant hole in my drop ceiling that they did to get the AC line clear. Regardless of how I sub-divide it, it’s a project and a half, at least.
But the only part I really care about is #1, which requires #2 and #3, they kind of go together. Maybe #4 too. So they’re connected to the main goal which is to get the gym going.
So, as I said, with depression hitting, I could go for the simple psych explanation that it is depression causing me to feel “overwhelmed”, but that’s not it. I don’t feel overwhelmed by the steps. I feel completely unmotivated because most of them I don’t care about. A bunch of the furniture moving is ONLY to make space, it doesn’t change anything on its own, I like the current config. It’s why it is IN the current config. It works for me. The extra stuff? Some of it is fine to have in boxes, and I sporadically use some of it, but not enough to retain it. I want to purge, but it’s not urgent. Steps 6-11 have no real motivation behind them, they’re transitory domino issues. I need them to fall to make room for the domino I really care about.
The domino problem happens regularly for me, and it is a great source of frustration. I frequently feel like I want to do X, but I can’t until I do A-W first. To do things “right” rather than “good enough” for today. I don’t want to push a bunch of stuff out of the way to get to a box at the back of a closet, I want to solve the first problems that are in the way. Yet none of them are urgent, and they sit there.
Classic “to do” list management would say, “No problem, write it down into digestible chunks and do one a day until you’re done.” Or set aside a time to do a big PUSH and see how far you get, knowing of course that what seems insurmountable often seems manageable once you get into it, it is the “starting” that needs to be overcome. Yet neither technique is really a problem nor the solution to the problem.
The main problem is committing to the first domino. I don’t care about it. I don’t want to care about it. There are 100 things I would rather be doing on my to do list than play with that domino. In terms of priority, alone that domino would be somewhere near the bottom of a long list right after alphabetizing my sock drawer. But if the first domino doesn’t fall, I can’t get to the 12th or 15th or 100th in that chain.
So July’s first FTU burst of “energy” allocation is to the domino problem in my basement. I’m going to do 30 minutes worth of work on it. When I’m done, I’m stopping for the day. Even if I’m in the groove or making progress, as in that vein likes the seeds of future disconnection when it wears off, I’m going to stop after 30 minutes. I’m not committing to a domino I don’t care about, I am committing to a 30-minute time investment in my final domino. Or as my kinesiologist suggested in a different sense, I can count setting up my home gym as my first “work-out” and exercise in and of itself.
As a small peek behind the blogging curtain, I thought I would start with my thoughts going into this post. Partly I do so as a stalling technique. I have no idea what I’m going to write. Which is highly unusual for me.
Normally when I have a post in mind, my brain starts composing it far ahead of my fingers hitting the keyboard. I think about how I’m going to structure it, how I’m going to explain my take on something, how I’m going to convey my thoughts. And in so doing, I let my thoughts coalesce into something I hope is worth sharing about the topic, even if the topic is me, myself and I.
A month ago, I chose a different path to healing from depression than I normally would choose. Normally, and I use that term loosely, I would choose to either weather the storm and try to push through (often unsuccessfully) or I would shut down, drop some balls that I was juggling, and take time to “heal my busy mind”. Instead of my tried and true methods, I choose to say Fuck the Universe and ignore whatever signals I seemed to be getting and just plow ahead. Not pushing through the storm, not shutting down, more just ignoring it.
I realize in hindsight that it was kind of like “fake it til you make it”. I chose to behave as if I wasn’t depressed to see if I could fake my body out of the depression. I dressed it up a bit more than that, drew on a different form of internal energy (anger) than I normally do, and started blasting as if I was at the top of my game, not the bottom of a valley.
And it sort of worked. I knew it wasn’t sustainable in the long-run, I knew I was going to pay at least a small price for my energy burst, but for the first couple of weeks, it worked.
I re-started doing memes, and deliberately chose not to try and get a formal format that was uniform, coherent, formal. Instead, I went almost willy-nilly in choosing images I like, marrying them to old memes that I had done before, and sharing them. How did I do? Well, it is 30 days later, and I have produced 37 new memes and shared 28 of them. Almost every day I did one. Let’s see – 2 book quotes, 8 humour, 4 lunch notes, 2 music quotes, 12 quotes so far.
I also started working my way through a backlog of “comics of the day” that I have saved, and shared those too. About the same number of memes for the month, over 25. Almost one every day. Plus I sorted literally hundreds of other ones and filed them away…ones that I liked, but not enough to share at this point. [FtU #01 – The universe can go meme itself]
I also started pushing ahead on finishing a MOOC about metaliteracy, although I only did another week or two. I’ll finish the assignments, but I don’t care about clicking the boxes to get the note that it’s complete in the system. I can take what I want from it, write a few blogs, move on. [FtU #02 – MOOC this, universe] In the meantime, Jacob has been taking a coding course, and it got me a bit more interested in Unity. I found an online MOOC for programming in Unity and C#, downloaded and installed Unity and Microsoft Visual Studio, and completed the first couple of exercises (much like my high-school coding course, it starts with output commands to a raw screen to say something like “Hello World!”). It’s pretty basic, but that’s okay, I need to ease back into it. I also downloaded a whole whack of other learning materials too for coding, we’ll see how those go.
Finally, I broke down and reconstituted my astronomy hobby, chose hope as my passion and mantra, and tried imaging some astro targets. And I had some success. I rebuilt my astro log book in a Word doc I can use on my tablet, took a whack of images, tried stacking, reviewed some software. I threw myself into it. And it worked. Just in time for the weather to thumb its nose at astronomers here in Ottawa, but still, I’m back in the thick of it. [FtU #03 – My astronomy hobby – Here’s looking at you, universe!]
I had more activities planned, even though the astronomy took over more of my time than I expected (setting up a portapotty for the star parties, buying my son a scope, ordering some extra accessories, etc.). I had my birthday in mid-June, turning 51. I was even doing better at work, so much so that my boss even commented on it. I was producing more, volunteering more, being more “positive”. An online friend noticed too.
Except I also know that it was feeling a bit false, which is really hard to explain. I was doing better, but that isn’t the whole story. My energy lasted until just past mid-month, and then slowly started to fade. I knew it was coming, I fully expected it, but still, it’s a bit annoying. My wife was traveling for a week, so I was doing single parent duty, and that part was fine, although a bit more tiring. But even when that was over and she was back, I noticed my energy levels were down still. I was still faking my positive energy glow, or rather I knew it wasn’t completely the whole story. The foundations weren’t quite as strong as they were earlier in the month. I can’t keep up the same energy boost the whole month. I can kick in afterburners for a short while, but then they shut off and I have to rely on the boost to coast me through the rest of the month.
And as some form of gravitational depression started to drag on my trajectory, I let myself slide a bit the last few days. Which also gave me time to take stock. Blasting through a few barriers was fun, quick wins to give me more confidence, but I also know that I dropped a LOT of other balls to be able to focus on those quick win areas. Like my weight, eating healthy, etc. My weight has slowly crept back up in recent months, as I knew it would, and my A1C number rose slightly in there too. Not enough for me to panic or anything, but a reminder that the rocket boost was nice, but it was in areas that are not my core goals right now. Just nice ones to raise my quality of life for a bit.
But if I want to also improve my quantity of life, i.e. living longer, I need to get back to some of those other goals. I’ve got some ideas for my next “blast” for July. But I also need to get back into making my lunches for work, taking my snacks, etc. And working on a long-term health project in the basement.
I don’t know what the FtU campaign will look like specifically for July, but it starts tomorrow. Let’s see how I do. And maybe next time I write, I’ll know what I’m going to type before my fingers hit the keyboard.
I completed a previous MOOC on video game analysis (#50by50 #32 – Complete a MOOC – Understanding Video Games) from the University of Alberta and I started one on Metaliteracy some time ago from the State University of New York (SUNY). But I’ve found the Metaliteracy course a bit challenging for its design.
There are ten weeks, with each week having a mix of videos and readings to consume, and then a couple of online assignments to fill out about what you learned. The previous one had an option for just auditing with little interaction, this one needs that interaction to really work. Which is generally fine, no problem.
Except each week’s “submission” then has to be graded by your peers. Which would work fine if you had any other peers doing the course at the same time, but it has continual intake. People can start and stop anytime, the deadlines can be reset with a click of a button, etc. Which means I finished weeks 1-4 and sat waiting for “grades” on the submitted postings/assignments until someone started the course, reached the same point, and reviewed them. As part of the community, you also have to review three other people’s materials. Which also doesn’t work if I go to review them, and there are no other people doing it at the same time — once or twice, I had NOTHING to review.
Which means while I’m doing my part, there’s no cohort moving through the course with me. So I got to week 4 and stalled. Eventually, someone else will come along and review my stuff and I can review theirs, but until then, my submissions go into the temporary abyss of the internet waiting for “review”.
I also confess that the course, while okay, is not as interesting as I had hoped. It has some interesting readings related to curation of info, fact checking in a social media age, licensing, etc., and I’m getting what I wanted out of it, but it is definitely not at the top of my list of interesting presentations and presenters.
The “challenges”, however small, are not an unusual occurrence, nor any grand universe conspiracy, it’s just a really frustrating form of group work that holds back my somewhat boring learning while I’m waiting for others to engage and do their part.
Except it isn’t really holding me back, that is / has been my perception. MY part is just to do the assignments each week and mark other people. I can still do my part, and complete the majority of my learning. If I don’t get the checkmark for any given week because nobody marked my submission, who cares?
MOOC this, universe. I’m proceeding anyway. I’m designating Mondays as my MOOC day, either at lunch or at night. I’ve even downloaded the app for Coursera so I can view it on my tablet rather than at night on my laptop. Week 5 on formats as a consumer and producer is done, moving on to week 6.
I’ve been working my way through what I call Functional Depression for a couple of weeks now. Some high days, some low days, nothing new. And mostly it was a delaying tactic from moving into my standard “hide and heal” approach. But there was also a small niggling part of me that was wondering about trying something new. What I was calling “F*** the universe”. Ratcheting up my energy, pedal to the metal, no retreat, no surrender, get ‘er done, just do it, no quit, whatever other metaphor/slogan a sports team can come up with, blah blah blah.
Except the first part of that is the challenge. Finding the energy to do it. Most likely by tapping into my inner core of reserve plus some anger at the universe. Getting “mad” to augment my fire. Yet also worried that I would tap out at some point and have nothing left.
Clarifying the options
A couple of people sent me messages and emails asking about some of the sub-elements I put in the previous post (Choosing between three depressions).
One question in different forms was if my standards were too high. I understand the concern, but it’s a bit misleading. I was noting that I feel like I not only have to do the right thing, it has to be for the right reasons. And if I’m not sure it is the right reason, I don’t do it. The reason for that is that often it is easy to think something is the “right thing”, because of some hidden urge within me. But if I’m not clear on the reasons, it usually means I’m lying to myself about what the right thing is (rationalizing my choice). I can remember two incidents in particular from my past, but they aren’t entirely my story to tell, so I’ll be a bit vague. In both instances, I thought the right thing to do was “X”. And I could, at the time, wrap both of the things in a noble flag as to why I was doing them. In one case, I tried and it blew up; in the other, I was suspicious of my reasoning, and held off, and it could have been really bad. In both cases, I realized afterwards, I was telling myself it was the right thing to do, but I couldn’t see the reasoning as clearly. Because I was hiding it from myself; it was more selfish than noble.
So while it seems like a high standard, it isn’t so much about the standard as it is clarity of my thinking. If I can’t see how the right means are leading to the right end, and that both are justified, I’m likely better off standing down. It usually means that I know one of the two isn’t right, but I just can’t see what my psyche is hiding from myself. Which is not to say I don’t have high standards, I do, but they are not impossibly high. I’m just more aware of how the “why I do things” relates to the “outcomes I’m achieving”.
In terms of my anger management, I was also a bit misleading. I don’t “deny” it in the sense of it not being felt or expressed, I just mean that I try very hard (if I can help it) to not direct it at someone else. For me, it is quite simple. Whatever someone else does around me may push a button. Maybe intentionally. Maybe maliciously. Maybe uncaringly.
But what happens afterwards is up to me. They didn’t install the buttons, they didn’t install the software that responds when the hardware button is pushed. I am responsible for both my reaction and the strength of my reaction.
If it is mild irritation, sure, I’ll go with the flow, express it, no big deal.
If is more moderate irritation, bordering on true anger, as long as it is just about me, I can probably redirect it into less negative forms of expression than just tearing a strip off someone. Not the reaction I want to be doing, nor the strength I want to express. I find it easier with Jacob to control, harder with Andrea — partly as I figure she’s an adult, she can handle if I’m being a bit jerky. But I do think about how I respond, and particularly with Jacob, I’ll talk with him about how I responded and why I was feeling that way, plus whether it was appropriate or not, how I could have handled it better. And apologize so he knows it wasn’t about him nor did he deserve it. I’m big on taking responsibility and saying the words; Andrea prefers to just have the tiff and move on, no blood, no foul.
What I am calling true anger is more like a temper bordering on rage. A response that is out of proportion to the underlying actions. Three things will cause that to flare faster than normal.
First, if we are out somewhere, and I see someone basically being a bully in a traditional sense or trying to push someone around with their personality by being a jerk or really aggressive, I start to get irritated. Maybe because of experiences as a kid, maybe I’m just sensitive to power imbalances, but I find it really hard not to react when someone is either being outright aggressive or more passively condescending and insulting to suggest someone else is the problem, particularly when it is clear they are counting on the other person to back down. Making it uncomfortable for them, being awkward, because they’re expecting the other person will try to smooth things over and avoid a scene. To me, that is flat out abusive. And I am perfectly happy to go the opposite way and be completely blunt about how they’re the ones actually causing the problem instead of back-pedaling to make nice. That isn’t a problem that happens within the family, although it was a problem with previous family members that I have cut out of my life. They hoped that they could be assholes and I wouldn’t call them on it. For the first 30 years of my life, that was the case; after that, no dice. I won’t eat a shit sandwich no matter who is trying to feed it to me. But still, in external circumstances, I try to walk away unless it is directly tied to me or my family, or I feel the person is in actual danger.
The second is frustration or fatigue. And that is no one’s fault but my own. For example, I suck at home repairs/maintenance. And if I’ve pushed past my limitations and reservations anyway, and something goes wrong, my frustration can redirect very quickly. But that isn’t about anyone, it’s just me fighting me. And no one else really needs to be part of that. So I will TRY to walk away if I can. Sometimes I’ll grunt at the universe first (Argghhhh!).
The third area that triggers in me is if I am feeling trapped. When I was growing up, we were a bit dysfunctional. And if emotions were brewing, I didn’t want to be part of it, I just wanted to leave. But I couldn’t because I was too young to drive. Walking would only get me so far. If I’m in an emotionally-charged situation now that I’m an adult, and I can’t leave for whatever reason, my reaction is not simple irritation, I am in a fight/flight/freeze mode with no option for flight, too hyper for freeze, and so I go hard for fight. Again, that isn’t about them, it’s a fear response. The simplest response is to always have an exit plan wherever I go or if I’m in a more sensitive mood, don’t go at all.
For the ones where I don’t feel it is appropriate, nor proportional, I do try to walk away quickly. To remove myself from the triggering situation before I say something I don’t mean. I have a brutal tongue. There’s a pop song, can’t think of the tune right now, but it has a line about what kind of words come out when you fight. I am WAY harsher than I intend to be. The problem is that my filter disappears. I don’t want to “discuss things” at that point, I just want to drop a bomb that will end the conversation immediately. Perhaps it’s easiest to understand with exes.
I know lots of people who rant and rave, hate their ex, blah blah blah. I don’t. Which isn’t to say some of my exes haven’t done some stuff I could be angry about, and while I might actually be angry about the activities, I’m not angry with them. I am not in contact with a couple of them, yet I don’t have any ill will towards them. I don’t want to slam them in person or indirectly. I don’t want to be that person, simply put, a hater.
The challenge in current relationships with anyone (romantic or otherwise) is that when I’m in “control”, so to speak, I can make that choice; even if I’m irritated or mildly angry, I can still make that choice. But if I go past that point, if I lose my temper, I lose control of what I choose to say. I say hurtful things. Yet as much as I don’t want to be a hater, I also don’t want to be the person who says hateful things to hurt someone, particularly not someone I care about. It’s not who I want or choose to be. That doesn’t make me Gandhi, more that I am aware of reasons and outcomes for my behaviour.
But I still have to let that energy out somehow. Sometimes I’ll go for a drive, put on some music, and sing REALLY loudly while I’m driving around. Letting out both the anger and the energy. I wish I was more prone to directing it to physically working out, some people find that great. I’m good at handling it when it is semi-caused/directed/about other people. I’m not as good when it is anger at myself / frustration / fatigue / feeling trapped. Other times I have to withdraw for a day or two mentally. Put up my defences a bit more so that further “irritation” doesn’t make it worse, just because I might be hyper-sensitive. (Yes, it can look like being grumpy or moping!).
For me, in the end, it is quite simple. It is okay to feel whatever I feel; it is not however okay for me to take it out on someone else just because I feel like being a jerk today. Doesn’t make me Gandhi or Mr. Freaking Sunshine though,nor am I denying the feelings. I just choose how I am going to express it.
Last but not least, a couple of people wondered about my astronomy. Their thinking was a bit varied…why stop doing something I loved? Why be so draconian about the duration vs. short-term? The short version is that at times, there are aspects of the hobby that has felt self-abusive.
First, I took it on when I was in the middle of grief, and it is not a low-threshold learning curve. It takes energy, which was in short supply. Second, I fought with it for four years trying to figure it out mostly myself, before finally saying “Okay, either someone helps me figure this out or I have to chuck it.” Third, since then, I can’t say I have been getting a lot of enjoyment out of it. And so, I’ve been wondering why I stick with it. If I accept, somewhat unproven, that continuing is the “right thing to do”, what are the reasons for doing so that I’m following?
I certainly haven’t been having a lot of “fun” with it, so enjoyment is low on the probable reasons.
Is it because I just want to prove that I can do it, to not give up? Not a compelling reason if I’m not enjoying it. There are lots of other things I could do instead.
Is it that I want to show off to other people in an area that few people do? A bit esoteric, and people ooh and aah with it, am I doing it to please others? I do enjoy, so to speak, the reactions of others at star parties when they see something for the first time. I like answering questions and pretending to be semi-knowledgeable. But I am far from lighting up the astro world with my stardom.
Is it just a learning goal? If it was only that, I could just read books, or watch videos, I don’t have to have a scope to do it.
Is it community involvement? I tend to skip the monthly meetings as I tend to dislike the social interaction, but by contrast, I am the Star Party Coordinator. A visible and controlled role. There is a component I find satisfying, surprisingly given my analytical introvert side. Hell, I wrote a 70-page report for the Council where a 2-page email was likely the standard. So there is an itch being scratched there, but I could find other scratching posts.
Is it somehow tied to my mother? I used inheritance money to buy the scope and some eyepieces (the ones that were just stolen). I could be refusing to give up because I feel like it is a last piece she gave me, even if she never knew. Maybe, but it’s a reach. We never did it “together”, so there is not much emotional resonance there.
Is it that the frustration feeds something darker in me? Perhaps the constant battle reinforces some self-flagellation tendency in myself. If that was the case though, there are other easier ways to fail at bigger things. Home repair, for instance.
Is it the “dark night” activity? No one knows you’re a dog on the internet, but no one knows what you look like at star parties either. There is a degree of anonymity in the experience. And I am a night owl. But it’s also a lot of work to set up, drive out to the dark areas, etc.
So, I can run through another 10 to 20 “reasons”, and none of them explain why I am continuing to flog a dead horse. One that the universe just told me in no uncertain terms, from one perspective, to stop doing by taking away my tools to do it. The final trigger that started the spiral in the first place.
So what do I decide?
Functional depression is short-term only, so that’s out.
Hide and heal is always there, but it’s insufficient.
Fuck the universe takes too much energy, at least in the long-term.
Which means I need a lower-intensity FtU solution, for the short-term to get me past a hump. So I’m doing a 30-day FtU push for the month of June. Not full-scale, not hide and heal. Somewhere in the middle.
A decision which has allowed me to see through the haze and figure out why I want to continue with astronomy, and it is the only reason that matters. While all of the other stuff can look a lot like a relationship with an addict, i.e., at some point you have to quit and move on, the truth can be found in something I did when I was “cutting out” the astronomical noise from my email, Twitter and Facebook. I left one person in my FB feed. His name is Loren, and he does a lot of images of asteroids with his iPhone and a simple setup. I considered snoozing him or deleting him, severing the connection, but I didn’t.
Because his images and posts inspire me. In a dark and dreary world, his posts look a lot like something that is in short supply at times, and the same reason that I bought a new eyepiece today so I could keep doing astronomy.
Even when the universe is screaming, I follow Loren and I do astronomy because it represents hope.
