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Tag Archives: signs

♫ I saw the sign ♫

The PolyBlog
September 2 2019

I have the song, “I saw the sign”, by Ace of Base, going through my head (and it’s probably going through yours now too, sorry about that!). If I was being honest with this post, it should be titled “I missed the sign” because I did. I missed a sign that was staring me in the face for over a week because I was focused on the day-to-day detritus of daily life, not the broader world. Let me explain.

I posted earlier this year that I was facing depression and had to choose amongst three options (My seven ways to respond to depression // Choosing between three depressions // Deciding on my way forward). I ended up opting for a very aggressive “F*** the Universe” approach, which was not about saying “screw everyone”, although at least one person thought that’s what it meant. No, I meant that the universe seemed to be sending me signals about certain things, and rather than listening to them, I chose to give the universe the middle finger and pretend everything was a raging success. Literally telling the universe itself to go screw itself, not the people in the universe. Astronomy was one of the areas where the universe was messing with me, but there were others (FtU Update – 30 days in). But regardless of what method I use, the depression still sits there. Maybe mitigated, maybe not, but it’s there until it’s not. The only way out is through.

I’ve been on holidays the last two weeks, which has been good for my mental and physical health, and I have detached so much that I’ve actually forgotten my password for my work phone. Either that or it’s just futzed on me and won’t accept my password. I’ve got one more day and then I’ll be back at it on Wednesday, so the IT people there can figure it out for me.

But just over a week ago, I was back at home after a busy couple of nights doing star gazing, I was doing some planning for a few things in the next six weeks, and I was feeling overhwhelmed. Stressed even. And I missed the sign.

Oh, sure, I saw that I was stressed. That was easy. I could even articulate some of it. But I missed the sign.

I was stressed. STRESSED. Something I can’t feel when I’m depressed because it dampens everything down. I’d broken through the depression (some areas of progress that will likely be part of future posts, perhaps) and I hadn’t even noticed my emergence, partly because I was ignoring any signals from the universe. I was feeling better, more upbeat, more optimistic about my ability to do certain things, and I was slowly starting to ratchet back up my planning for various events and habits. Of course, I’m still physically depleted energy-wise, and so I was feeling overwhelmed quicker than usual, but I missed the sign that feeling ANYTHING, even STRESS, was a sign.

♫ Life is demanding, without understanding.

I missed the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I missed the sign. ♫

A weird form of progress, to be sure, but progress never the less.

Posted in Goals | Tagged depression, goals, signs, stress, success, universe | Leave a reply

Deciding on my way forward

The PolyBlog
May 23 2019

I’ve been working my way through what I call Functional Depression for a couple of weeks now. Some high days, some low days, nothing new. And mostly it was a delaying tactic from moving into my standard “hide and heal” approach. But there was also a small niggling part of me that was wondering about trying something new. What I was calling “F*** the universe”. Ratcheting up my energy, pedal to the metal, no retreat, no surrender, get ‘er done, just do it, no quit, whatever other metaphor/slogan a sports team can come up with, blah blah blah. Except the … Continue reading →

Posted in Goals | Tagged depression, goals, signs, universe | Leave a reply

Choosing between three depressions

The PolyBlog
May 17 2019

A weird idea, isn’t it? That there are different types of depression and that I could choose between them? It’s not exactly true, but it works for me as a metaphor for today, so I’m going with it. A. Functional depression Perhaps because I am talking about my current feelings of depression so openly, some friends are more worried than usual. I appreciate the concern, but I don’t feel like I’m in an unusually dangerous crisis. While some days I might get overwhelmed and need to shut down, generally speaking I’m in a holding pattern. It’s what I consider “functional … Continue reading →

Posted in Goals | Tagged goals, signs, universe | Leave a reply

My seven ways to respond to depression

The PolyBlog
May 15 2019

My previous post about my impending depression, and a possible spiral (Sometimes the universe shouts, I just don’t know what it’s saying), garnered a lot of positive supportive messages,and I’m grateful for them. Lots of people asked if there was anything they could do to help, and mostly the answer is “no” beyond the offers themselves. It’s an internal problem for me, not an external one, and I’ve been here before, so I already know most of my options. The post itself probably identifies the strength of the depression, at least as it was that day. Feeling lost or hopeless … Continue reading →

Posted in Goals | Tagged goals, signs, universe | Leave a reply

Sometimes the universe shouts, I just don’t know what it’s saying

The PolyBlog
May 9 2019

Today is a shitty day for me, and I’m going to blog anyway. Because sometimes I hide the darkness and I just don’t care enough today to do that. The trigger that you’ll see for this is annoying. Maybe semi-significant, maybe not. But it has started a cascade and a spiral, one that I will not survive unscathed. Ostensibly, this is only about my astronomy hobby, but it’s really not. I have struggled mightily with my hobby and the universe keeps kicking me in the teeth. I keep fighting my way through, hoping to break through to the other side … Continue reading →

Posted in Experiences | Tagged goals, signs, universe | 8 Replies

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