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Tag Archives: depression

♫ I saw the sign ♫

The PolyBlog
September 2 2019

I have the song, “I saw the sign”, by Ace of Base, going through my head (and it’s probably going through yours now too, sorry about that!). If I was being honest with this post, it should be titled “I missed the sign” because I did. I missed a sign that was staring me in the face for over a week because I was focused on the day-to-day detritus of daily life, not the broader world. Let me explain.

I posted earlier this year that I was facing depression and had to choose amongst three options (My seven ways to respond to depression // Choosing between three depressions // Deciding on my way forward). I ended up opting for a very aggressive “F*** the Universe” approach, which was not about saying “screw everyone”, although at least one person thought that’s what it meant. No, I meant that the universe seemed to be sending me signals about certain things, and rather than listening to them, I chose to give the universe the middle finger and pretend everything was a raging success. Literally telling the universe itself to go screw itself, not the people in the universe. Astronomy was one of the areas where the universe was messing with me, but there were others (FtU Update – 30 days in). But regardless of what method I use, the depression still sits there. Maybe mitigated, maybe not, but it’s there until it’s not. The only way out is through.

I’ve been on holidays the last two weeks, which has been good for my mental and physical health, and I have detached so much that I’ve actually forgotten my password for my work phone. Either that or it’s just futzed on me and won’t accept my password. I’ve got one more day and then I’ll be back at it on Wednesday, so the IT people there can figure it out for me.

But just over a week ago, I was back at home after a busy couple of nights doing star gazing, I was doing some planning for a few things in the next six weeks, and I was feeling overhwhelmed. Stressed even. And I missed the sign.

Oh, sure, I saw that I was stressed. That was easy. I could even articulate some of it. But I missed the sign.

I was stressed. STRESSED. Something I can’t feel when I’m depressed because it dampens everything down. I’d broken through the depression (some areas of progress that will likely be part of future posts, perhaps) and I hadn’t even noticed my emergence, partly because I was ignoring any signals from the universe. I was feeling better, more upbeat, more optimistic about my ability to do certain things, and I was slowly starting to ratchet back up my planning for various events and habits. Of course, I’m still physically depleted energy-wise, and so I was feeling overwhelmed quicker than usual, but I missed the sign that feeling ANYTHING, even STRESS, was a sign.

♫ Life is demanding, without understanding.

I missed the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I missed the sign. ♫

A weird form of progress, to be sure, but progress never the less.

Posted in Goals | Tagged depression, goals, signs, stress, success, universe | Leave a reply

FtU #02 – MOOC this, universe

The PolyBlog
June 3 2019

I completed a previous MOOC on video game analysis (#50by50 #32 – Complete a MOOC – Understanding Video Games) from the University of Alberta and I started one on Metaliteracy some time ago from the State University of New York (SUNY). But I’ve found the Metaliteracy course a bit challenging for its design. There are ten weeks, with each week having a mix of videos and readings to consume, and then a couple of online assignments to fill out about what you learned. The previous one had an option for just auditing with little interaction, this one needs that interaction … Continue reading →

Posted in Learning and Ideas | Tagged depression, FTU, goals, learning, mooc, universe | Leave a reply

FtU #01 – The universe can go meme itself

The PolyBlog
June 2 2019

As I outlined previously (Deciding on my way forward), I need a short-term 30-day solution where I ignore any messages coming from the universe that’s stopping me from doing stuff I want to do. Astronomy is on the list, and I’ll come back to that in subsequent posts, but for now, I need something small and symbolic for myself. Like memes. I have done some memes several times over the last few years in concentrated bursts. I share comics on FB, sure, but I’m talking more about my “own” creations — quotes, jokes, lunch notes for kids. I loved the … Continue reading →

Posted in Goals, To Be Updated | Tagged depression, FTU, goals, memes, universe | Leave a reply

Deciding on my way forward

The PolyBlog
May 23 2019

I’ve been working my way through what I call Functional Depression for a couple of weeks now. Some high days, some low days, nothing new. And mostly it was a delaying tactic from moving into my standard “hide and heal” approach. But there was also a small niggling part of me that was wondering about trying something new. What I was calling “F*** the universe”. Ratcheting up my energy, pedal to the metal, no retreat, no surrender, get ‘er done, just do it, no quit, whatever other metaphor/slogan a sports team can come up with, blah blah blah. Except the … Continue reading →

Posted in Goals | Tagged depression, goals, signs, universe | Leave a reply

My Latest Posts

  • Curated: We Need To Talk About Professional Jealousy – Electric LiteratureJanuary 20, 2023
    I occasionally like to share online articles that I like, and you’ll see sporadic posts entitled “Articles I Like” throughout the blog. But honestly, Curated is probably a more accurate title. I recently found an article by Benjamin Schaefer on the website Electric Literature, although I was led there by ThePassiveVoice website. The article is … Continue reading →
  • Schrodinger’s computer purge (part 1 / 3)January 15, 2023
    So, I’m a techno-wannabe-geek with elements of hoarding in my DNA. I find it hard to dispose of working computer parts, long after I’ve outgrown the need for them. Some “saves” are practical and some are not. And like Schrodinger’s cat, my computer purge is both real and theoretical at the same time. A. Network … Continue reading →
  • Some more reading ideas…January 15, 2023
    Chapters/Indigo has their Reading Challenge for the year too. They do it up like a bingo card, but the headings are: I’ll have to go through some of the links to see if there’s anything I want to add to my long list. 🙂
  • 11 years, a gig platform, and a chequeJanuary 13, 2023
    Somewhere in this universe, if life after death exists, my father is rolling over in his grave. Or rolling his eyes, shrugging his shoulders, throwing up his hands…whatever the ghosts do when they see their descendants doing stuff that they think is ridiculous. And it is NOT my father’s fault. Let me be clear. He … Continue reading →
  • Addendums to the 2023 reading challengeJanuary 8, 2023
    I like the list of books I came up with for my reading challenge. However, that list was my tentative planning list before I worked on the other genre challenges that I belong to on FaceBook. For those, I’m doing a bit of planning below. Cozy Mystery Reading Challenge for 2023 The Tea and Ink … Continue reading →

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