Tag Archives: book review

Change: What Really Leads to Lasting Personal Transformation by Jeffrey A. Kottler (2013) – BR00118 (2018) – 🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

The PolyBlog
December 17 2018

Plot or Premise

Kottler reflects on literature and his personal experiences as a psychologist about the elements that lead people to not only make changes in their life but also sustain those changes over the long-term.

What I Liked

I had the pleasure of hearing Kottler speak as an honoured guest at my wife’s university graduation ceremony, and he intrigued me enough on the subject of “change” — what we know and what we don’t know — that I bought his book. It was the perfect book for me at this point in my life, as I’ve been wanting to make a significant change that has been holding me back for at least 30 years. I’m great at the day-to-day goal-setting stuff, but I needed to understand large-scale change on a deeper level, and this book was ideal for that education.

In the beginning, I was struck by a central question — when does an alteration in attitudes, beliefs, behaviour, thinking, or feeling “count” as change, and how long does it have to last in order to qualify? In shorter terms, when does a temporary change become permanent and sustainable? Chapter 2 was an eye-opener — hidden benefits from my current approach that resist change. Not the obvious ones but more internal ones that might even seem like positive traits in someone (being strong, standing up for oneself disguising some issues with temper, for instance). And some baby-step coping techniques. Chapter 3 dealt more with the conditions that allow you to transition from temporary to permanent change, almost pre-conditions in some cases.

Other chapters were relatively straight-forward: the power of story-telling (chapter 4); hitting bottom in various forms (chapter 5); how you react to trauma and whether it can be a positive catalyst (chapter 6); the limits to psychotherapy (chapter 7); change through physical travel or spiritual journeys (chapter 8); moments of clarity (chapter 9); and resolving conflicts in relationships (chapter 13). The last chapter — Why Changes Don’t Often Last (Chapter 14) — was the one that I was most looking forward to in the book, and while he goes into various spins and examples, most of it seems to come down to varying forms of fear. It certainly did for me, and I find the chapter fantastic for presenting it quite concisely. In the end, the price of the book is worth it just to get the 7 pages at the end, if you have time for nothing else (308-315).

I managed to use it to create a six-part “to do” list / game plan for the change that I’ve been wanting to make, and for the first time in my life, I’m doing it. I’m six months in and it seems to be holding. It’ll take another 18 months to “finish”, but the book helped me get there. Onward to the journey!

What I Didn’t Like

Several chapters didn’t really sing as well as the rest. Being happy (chapter 11) and transformation while helping others (12) were relatively bland, and a chapter on the importance of social capital (chapter 10) seemed almost like an afterthought.

The Bottom Line

It gave me the courage to get unstuck after 30 years.

Notorious Nineteen by Janet Evanovich (2012) – BR00117 (2018) – 🐸🐸🐸🐸🐸

The PolyBlog
December 17 2018

Plot or Premise

Someone’s threatening Ranger and his soon-to-be-married army buddy, so he hires Stephanie to help with security for the bride.

What I Liked

Stephanie has some of her worst experiences yet and only once turns into a cupcake. The rest of the time, she’s rocking and rolling — missing patients, a Hawaiian tiki god, and a Yeti barely faze her. And when it’s all said and done, she’s like a machine wrapping things up.

What I Didn’t Like

The storyline with the guy after Ranger ends a bit quickly.

The Bottom Line

If you make Plum wear pink, it ain’t going to be pretty.

Reading Jeffrey Kottler’s “Change”: Chapter 14 – Why Changes Don’t Often Last

The PolyBlog
November 15 2018

The last chapter of Jeffrey Kottler’s book, “Change”, was one of the ones I was most looking forward to reading — “Why Changes Don’t Often Last”. The sobering statistics are quite common in pop psych — the huge numbers of people who set New Year’s resolutions but abandon them before the first week is out (often from trying for perfection in “Just Do It” mode rather than incremental chain-growth like the Seinfeld method mentioned earlier), and that 80% of those who join gyms stop going after the first few visits even though they keep paying for membership for much longer (the illusion of still being committed that would be shattered by formally quitting their membership).

Oddly enough, I was quite surprised at the beginning of the chapter that those who study change don’t have a firm grasp of why it fails. First and foremost, those who are heavy at work in the change industry — like therapists or weightloss consultants — don’t know what happens after the patient reaches a goal. There is the pop psych results, such as the fact that almost all of the contestants on the weightloss show “The Biggest Loser” end up gaining all the weight back later. But there is no ongoing follow-up in most clinical or therapeutic settings. And thus no info on if the patient/client relapsed or slipped. Secondly, change is often not a “point in time” measurement but a journey, and thus is quite complex and difficult to measure quantitatively, particularly for a moving target. Thirdly, the results are demoralizing — huge numbers of relapses. So studying it isn’t very satisfying or helpful to clinical treatments.

Nevertheless, Kottler does have a rudimentary list in the headings of why change doesn’t last:

  • Limits of will…good intentions are not enough, and we don’t always have full control over our lives;
  • Unrealistic expectations or lousy goal-setting;
  • Dysfunctional beliefs…including defeatist attitudes, and, perhaps more importantly reasons NOT to change and stay stuck:
    • You feel justified in self-pity;
    • You can blame external factors or others for your problems;
    • You have an excuse not to do it;
    • You get sympathy;
    • No reward but no risk of change;
    • You can avoid addressing deeper issues;
    • You can be a jerk and blame your condition;

Put a little differently, “you can remain miserable on your own terms” [pg. 305]. It’s heavily about control of what is familiar vs. risking loss of control with trying something new. In other words, flat out fear.

But you also may lack support (or have others who are enabling triggers for your old behaviour — there’s a reason why alcoholics and drug addicts are actively encouraged NOT to hang around their old friends and family members who may have not only introduced them to their addiction but also actively enabled it…it’s hard to leave port for a better world if you’re still weighed down by an anchor that ties you to your old habits); suffer from other traits or moods that are not conducive to the change (and might need addressing too); or have poor coping skills / preparation (or even just lack the knowledge of how to implement a change).

However, all of the previous chapters came down to pages 308 to 315 for me. I wanted to make one very large change in my life — lose weight — and I was stuck. So I was looking for an enhanced understanding of why I was stuck and how to overcome it. These 8 pages helped me craft a kind of “to do” list.

Success depends on:

  1. Conducting a fearless inventory of the costs, benefits, patterns and triggers of your “issue” (to make all the pieces clear to you, both in pulling you forward and in resisting change);
  2. Finding the right motivation (to allow you to commit in the first place);
  3. Substituting better or different habits to replace the previous ones (even if just to use the time differently);
  4. Building in consistent rewards (to gamify the journey);
  5. Committing wholeheartedly (to carry you through); and,
  6. Changing the narrative of your journey (to reinforce the change and oppose relapses).

The book, and this list, gave me a way forward. I’ve handled 3 of the 6, and I’m working on the remaining 3. Onward to the journey! (#50by50ish #50 – Lose weight – Part 1, the decision).

Reading Jeffrey Kottler’s “Change”: Chapter 13 – Soliciting Support and Resolving Conflicts in Relationships

The PolyBlog
November 15 2018

Jeffrey Kottler says he saved the most difficult subject for last in his book, “Change”, and it is addressed by Chapter 13, “Soliciting Support and Resolving Conflicts in Relationships”. He isn’t kidding. There are some really tough things in this chapter, often dealing with abusive spouses, parents with addictions, and family problems out the wazoo. It is both a problem in and of itself as well as an obstacle to other changes being accomplished. A list he includes of the types of changes you would like to make in relationships is an extremely powerful one, simply put:

Changing the patterns of those that are frustrating, unsatisfying, or unfulfilling;

Setting boundaries for relationships that aren’t meeting your needs or are taking a bite out of your soul;

Reducing the level and intensity of conflicts with others, especially those locked into repetitive patterns;

Ending relationships that don’t seem amenable to necessary changes;

Enhancing intimacy with friends and loved ones;

Feeling and expressing more love and caring in current relationships;

Initiating and broadening new relationships that meet interests and needs that are currently unsatisfied;

Experiencing more authentic, caring, honest, respectful, and fun exchanges with people on a daily basis;

Processing and recovering from perceived slights and relational difficulties in the past;

Practicing forgiveness to let some things go and move forward without lingering resentment; and,

Learning from past mistakes, misjudgements, and relationship breaches in order to enhance future connections. [pp. 276-277]

If you’ve done any past soul-searching about relationships, you could likely read the above list and think, “Yes, please”. All of them sound good. I’ve certainly faced hard truths in the first four. In the end, it led me to one of my greatest insights and freedom from some avoidable pain…

I trust people to be who they are. Not who I want them to be, nor who I unrealistically expect they should be, but rather that they will be who they are. It’s stupid, I know, but it reminds me of a scene in a Star Trek: The Next Generation episode. Small geek diversion…Data is about to do a war game against Riker, and is trying to postulate what Riker will do. He starts to tie himself into knots to wondering if Data thinks that Riker will do X, then Riker could change his behaviour by knowing that Data thinks what he’ll do (X) and therefore Riker will do Y. Except if Riker knows that Data knows that Riker knows, etc…In the end, Troi counsels him that Riker can’t avoid being who he is at the heart (a risk taker with a penchant for innovative solutions). A stupid geeky reminder, but one that I find strangely comforting.

And from that “truth bomb”, that I should expect people to be who they are, I found the basis for a much different relationship with my mother when I set some clear boundaries (such as games I would not let myself be tricked into playing) and changed the pattern of expectation and disappointment from what I thought/hoped she would do to simply what she did do. I expected (and loved) her to be herself for her last ten years, not the mother I wanted her to be or expected she should be. Just who she was. By contrast, another relationship had passed its healthy expiry date and had become consistently toxic, so I ended it. And with #6, I make sure that I tell my son every day how much I love him.

I’m still working on many of the other ideas from #5-11.

Reading Jeffrey Kottler’s “Change”: Chapter 12 – Changing People’s Lives While Transforming Your Own

The PolyBlog
November 15 2018

I am not sure how to review Chapter 12 of Jeffrey Kottler’s book “Change”. The chapter isn’t bad, and it focuses quite well on “Changing People’s Lives While Transforming Your Own”. The problem is that it is a bit narrowly-focused.

If the change you are looking for in life is that you are unhappy, I suspect it is a decent chapter. It deals with altruism vs. reciprocity, the “helper’s high”, being part of something bigger than yourself, paying back (altruism born of similar suffering), or even “my life is my message”. Namely living according to your principles, transformation through service. All laudable, good elements. 

But if you are dealing with a problem like weightloss, or a specific addiction, but you are generally happy in your life, or you are already in a service mindset, it wouldn’t be a very helpful chapter. I’m not sure it is even worthy of being a separate chapter. I guess it depends if you are having more of an all-around existential crisis about your life or just want to change something specific.

Overall, I thought it was okay, just long and not very specific.