Yellow is the social and creative category, and I confess this one is a challenge for me right now. I really need to build my blue energy back up, and the only way to do that is through analytical work (for the most part). Yellow is the opposite energy, the draining energy, and it certainly is for social activities.
I’m going to throw myself a small pity party for a moment; although I am not actually seeking the pity, the wording is hard to nuance away from it. I am a strong introvert, that is and always will be true. And yet everyone needs friends. Or at least that is the popular psychology model, and I have little room to doubt it. However, I suspect that introverted analytical-types need it a lot less than extroverted intuitive-types. But here’s the thing, and I could put it here or put it in green for “emotions, etc.”.
I’ve kind of become isolated over the last year or so. It isn’t that I don’t have friends, but they’re not the “doing things together” type .One of the few things I do with “friends” as a group is arrange wing nights for the guys. I’m not super athletic, so I’m not going to ball tournaments, hockey outings, etc. And I hate parties generally – I don’t want to have nor see 1000 friends, just a handful. Honestly, for most of my friends, unless we create an occasion to see each other, we won’t. Our paths just don’t intersect that much outside of work. While I organized four or five wing nights last year, each one had a maximum of two other people show up, most only one, and one of them I cancelled as no one was interested. Some were spontaneous, others were planned weeks in advance, same result – nada for response. Or almost nada. It just doesn’t interest the other people, and I’m the only one organizing it. So I’m killing the wing nights.
Equally, I spent a lot of time on Facebook last year. Most of that was deliberate as part of my creative side, but some of it was compensating for the lack of in person contact, or at least I think some of it was that, probably. And same result. I feel more like I’m annoying people than connecting with them. I’ve known people in my life like that, used to be quite close with someone like that. Who tried but couldn’t seem to crack the social code to friendship. I think, in part, I was living under a small delusion of grandeur since my wife, Andrea, is a lot more social than I, and I think I was basking in the spillover glow. But it’s been clear for some time that I’m not resonating with people, pretty much on any level. And while that sounds like the pity party, it’s not.
The pity party is that it bothered me. It never used to. It goes with my personality. And at one time at least, I was perfectly happy going to movies by myself, restaurants by myself, etc. Maybe it’s the lack of alternatives, but I realized recently it had been bothering me, and I hated even more that it WAS bothering me. I used to be stronger than that. I need that spine back. Which isn’t to say I’m going to be a hermit or anything, or anti-social, but I am going to lower my expectations considerably. To relish what I get, to accept the value of what I do have, rather than wondering why not more. Or as the kids in Jacob’s old kindergarten class were told, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset”.
Category
TIER ONE (Basic Needs)
TIER TWO (Developmental Needs)
TIER THREE (Self-Fulfillment Needs)
Yellow (Expression, social, creativity)
Friendship Basic creativity
Openness Functional creativity
Spontaneity Applied creativity
Which then takes me back to the model. Friendship is going on the back burner, I’ve spent far too much energy on doing the wrong things in the last year with little return, and no great insights. One step up from that is openness, and that is part of what this blog is about. Not sure what to do with the spontaneity side, not sure it’s relevant if the upstream activities are not already met.
On the creativity side, I’m hoping my writing will allow me to build some yellow energy to fight against the drains on my blue energy. I think I’m somewhere between basic and functional, not sure if I have enough of a base to reach “applied” in the same manner.
In terms of activities, I had thought of a large social awareness campaign last year. I wanted it focused on prostate cancer, but the intellectual model was a bust early on. I was thinking of trying again this year, maybe something around “preemie awareness”, and I might do something small, but here is another giant kicker which I think puts me closer to Tier One than Three. I spent a LOT of time last year on FB and Twitter, building my blog, etc. I created memes, almost 200 of them. I tweeted over 1500 reviews of TV episodes. I brought the blog word count up to 400K worth of words. And what response did I get? None. Maybe 40-50 likes on Twitter, a handful of followers, maybe 20 likes in total for the year on Facebook. A smattering of comments. I tried questions, I tried provocation, I tried cute, I tried serious. Nothing. Which isn’t surprising…we’re basically talking social marketing, and a blue analyst with limited social skills is not the best person to be doing that. I thought maybe I was smart enough to get over the natural limitations of my personality and social preferences, but apparently not even close. So I’ve closed the book on all that hoopla.
Which means the only three things I’m doing this year are:
writing, including posting some of my attempts at fiction;
cooking, including perfecting a few targeted recipes; and,
making photobooks.
Again though, I need a slogan. Something that both keeps my expectations and activities in check, while leaving room for growth. Something like:
I posted my basic model some time ago and got a very small number of comments. I had hoped I might get more, but it is time to get a move on with the model with some minor adjustments.
I think Tier One is mostly met. Obviously, I have food, shelter, clothing, sleep, basic health. I probably should put a small asterisk after sleep as it isn’t the best because of my sleep apnea, but that is mostly a function of weight at the moment. Basic health is fine, I suppose, although ongoing issues with fatigue and occasional neurological/cerebral issues that have no apparent cause. I have taken this past week off to get my crap together as I’ve felt unfocused and unproductive for a few months now, and it’s time to set some direction.
Category
TIER ONE (Basic Needs)
TIER TWO (Developmental Needs)
TIER THREE (Self-Fulfillment Needs)
Red (Expansion, physiological, action-oriented, work)
Food Shelter Clothing Sleep Basic health
Employment Resources Property Functional health
Career development Applied health
Employment is met, and jumping ahead to career development, I think 2016 will be more about maintenance than trying to make huge gains anywhere. Resources are more than adequate, could benefit from a bit better planning perhaps, and property needs some maintenance.
The real gaps is functional health and applied health. Probably more of a cascade from Tier One (upstream) to Tier Three (downstream). But at least the areas are clear.
In terms of actual activities, I am limiting myself to a maximum of three:
Regular stretching and yoga to hopefully reduce the need for regular chiro and massage, but a balance of the two will hopefully keep me regular for a while until the benefits of some of the other activities kick in;
Adding in alternating daily walking and martial arts kata, plus more weekend excursions; and,
Recertifying my french levels for work.
That’s it, pretty simple for the most part. Except for one thing. I need a slogan for my red activities, something to remind myself that this year is different, and I really want to avoid fluff, nor am I inclined to take much crap from people this year. Not quite the “shit-free” year I had back when I was about 32 or so, I was an asshat for part of that year mostly as I wasn’t taking anything from anyone for any reason. I miss the spine I showed that year, but I’m not willing to go quite that hard-core. The advice for people dealing with “reds”, particularly when briefing them for work, is to “be bright, be brief, be gone”, and that’s not a bad reminder for me, so I’ll work with it.
Each year, I set reading goals for myself, but usually not very specific i.e. 25 books, which I blow through in a few months of binge-reading. But I don’t say in advance “these 25 books”, as my goal is usually “more”, to make time for reading. And then I do, with a binge mentality.
A year ago, I read through a whack of Robert B. Parker and Sue Grafton novels. Somewhere around 60 I think, in about three months. Just plowed through them. Binge reading. One of the downsides to an e-reader is that I finish one and immediately start on the next in the series. Narnia, Artemis Fowl, Spenser, Kinsey, all grist for the reading mill.
Yet I have also wanted to “improve” my reading selections, with some from a long list of award winners or books recommended by friends, or even just great classics. I read Dracula that way, merely because I had never read it before and it’s such a classic tale that has survived in countless forms. This year, while perusing some other reading challenges, I decided I would be VERY specific as to what I was going to read, up to and including the exact books or series I would finish.
With at least one per author whose last names start with each letter of the alphabet. And my Alphabet Reading Challenge is now set. For most letters, I had numerous to choose from. In other cases, only one or two (hello Q!). The final list includes:
award winners from Time Magazine, Guardian, etc., all of whom regular compile “best of” lists;
recommendations from friends when I started making my list;
category award winners like mystery writers for Edgars, Shamus, and Agathas; and,
national awards like Man Booker, Governor General, Pulitzers, etc.
Which means the final list for this year is a bit eclectic with a broad mix of titles to keep it interesting. Some of them I’ve even read before, but it’s been a long time, so I’m going to read them again.
Margaret Atwood – The Blind Assassin
Lawrence Block – Writing the Novel: From plot to print to pixel
Paulo Coelho – O Alquimista (The Alchemist)
Fyodor Dostoyevsky – Crime and Punishment
Marian Engel – Bear
William Faulkner – The Sound and the Fury
Diana Gabaldon – Outlander series
William H. Hallahan – Catch Me, Kill Me
Kazuo Ishiguro – The Remains of the Day
Donald Jack – Three Cheers for Me
Stuart Kaminsky – A Cold Red Sunrise
Harper Lee – To Kill a Mockingbird
Gabriel Garcia Marquez – 100 Years of Solitude
Vladimir Nabokov – Lolita
George Orwell – 1984
Terry Pratchett – Discworld
Paul Quarrington – Whale Music
J.K. Rowling – Harry Potter series
J.D. Salinger – Catcher in the Rye
Leo Tolstoy – War and Peace
John Updike – Rabbit series
Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez – The Dirty Girls Social Club
E. B. White – Charlotte’s Web
Lu Xun – Diary of a Madman and Other Stories
Richard Yates – Revolutionary Road
Carlos Ruiz Zafón – Shadow of the Wind
By my rough count, that’s actually about 51 books when you include the series. Not sure I can do all of them this year, but I’m sure going to try.
It seems almost a mark of hubris to try to “improve” upon a classic paradigm such as Abraham Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs”, but I’m saved slightly by the fact that I’m not actually trying to improve upon it, I’m trying to adapt it to improve visualization of my own personal development in the next year. A fine-line distinction perhaps, but an important distinction nevertheless.
Maslow, of course, had five levels, and you had to achieve each level before you could advance to the higher levels. One version of his pyramid has the levels as:
Safety – security of body, employment, resources, morality, the family, health, property;
Love/belonging – friendship, family, sexual intimacy;
Esteem – self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by others; and,
Self-actualization – morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice, acceptance of facts.
Of course, that last one is not unique to Maslow – it looks like the basic mantra of many approaches to achieving “zen” too.
There also exists a different use of the hierarchy model as guides to various types of development, such as economic development. In some instances, there would be foundational pieces, equivalent to the physiological – establishment of a national currency, for example. These are earlier on, fundamental “up-stream” activities. However, some downstream activities from that, i.e. some that come later, might be specific private sector development initiatives, or even further out, some trade initiatives. Some theorists have treated it more like concentric circles, ripples in a brook after you toss in a “fundamental economic stone” – the first waves start rippling out from the fundamental but additional waves move out too, generating a series of concentric circles where the cornerstones of economic development are close to the origin point while those farther out are able to be addressed once the core is dealt with, i.e. capacity built.
These models are all variations on a theme that there are some developmental aspects which are fundamental and come “before” the others in terms of linear development, while others build upon the foundations and are more like little tentacles of development “shooting out” to sprout a new arm of development, hoping it can take (and keep) hold. Military people use a similar metaphor for their front lines, supply chains, and the ability to establish beachheads/footholds into enemy territory – small strategic thrusts to leap forward in weak or key areas.
What does this have to do with me?
I’ve been playing with my own personal development model on and off for some time. Each year, I tweak it a little, hoping for a slightly different emphasis or nuance that will help me maintain momentum throughout the year. In some ways, it is just a visible representation for me and me alone, a core way of communicating my various personal commitments to myself for the year. A visualization, if you will, of what I’m trying to achieve and how the various pieces fit together as a cohesive whole rather than a laundry list of to-do items. However, the “single category” or single point of origin isn’t a viable model for me. I still prefer the four “colour” wheel of Blue (analytical), Green (emotion), Yellow (Social) and Red (Physical / Action).
Mapping this out, I think I have the following working table of categories / items / issues / questions. I think I only will do three levels though, not the five.
Category
TIER ONE (Basic Needs)
TIER TWO (Developmental Needs)
TIER THREE (Self-Fulfillment Needs)
Blue (Intellect, analytical, learning, organization)
Essential cognitive skills Ability to communicate Order Knowledge
Confidence Language skills Routine Understanding
Respect of others Self-esteem Stability Skills
Green (Connections, emotion, family)
Family Extended family Community Tolerance Awareness Affiliation
Spiritualism Acceptance Connectedness Affection
Respect by others Morality Lack of prejudice Acceptance of facts Intimacy
Yellow (Expression, social, creativity)
Friendship Basic creativity
Openness Functional creativity
Spontaneity Applied creativity
Red (Expansion, physiological, action-oriented, work)
Food Shelter Clothing Sleep Basic health
Employment Resources Property Functional health
Career development Applied health
As you can see, some “issues” appear in all three columns (Order, Routine, Stability) as a logical progression; others such as communication and language skills only appear in the first two presently…I don’t want to be a slave to having perfect chains at all three levels, and some may only exist at one level, although I suspect in some cases that is likely to be a granularity issue.
I haven`t quite figured out what to do with some basic areas that don’t seem to fit “neatly” into the above table…
Environment — part of the “community” in green, or separate? And should community be farther out?
What is beyond the self-fulfillment column — purpose? meaning? vision? goodness? justice? leadership? transcendence to help others?
Are achievements a separate category or just part of each of the other bullets in a sense?
Should I add curiosity, exploration, and competence as a stream? Is that cognitive blue or action red?
Where would I put things that I simply “enjoy” for relaxation (reading, watching TV, movies, games) — are they a level one version of reflection/calm/meditation/stress relief?
Is exercise derivative of other bullets within the red or is it a stand-alone area?
Is travel for blue learning, green community, yellow social or red action?
Once I figure out a reasonably coherent model, I’ll move on to actually working on my goal-setting for the year. In the meantime, all views gratefully accepted.
Well, it’s the last day of the year, and time to take stock of my goals for the year. I enter my “taking stock” phase with two massively competing paradigms — epic failure for failing to complete or even start many of them vs. satisfaction for the progress I’ve made on some of them.
For blue / mind / organizing / planning goals, my two big ones for the year were to do more on astronomy and a kitchen renovation. For the astronomy, I am really happy with the new alignment procedure I have, and the new “wifi” tool. They basically “saved” my interest in astronomy, and I’m much more confident now that I can use my telescope to find things that are actually worth finding. That’s a huge achievement, and it worked well. I was a bit surprised that I lost steam in September, and barely used my scope all fall. I didn’t have much luck with my Canon T5i being attached, but I think I need to find someone who has experience taking pics to walk me through the setup and use. I’m just not figuring out the focus right. I’m not looking for “wow” factor, I’m just looking to snap some basic shots of what I see through the scope. For the kitchen renovation, it is done. In June I said we were “back on track”, but that was before the schedule went way off the rails and the stress kicked in. I am happy it’s done, and later this weekend we’ll do some organizing to fix up a bit of the configuration. Call it maybe 3/5 for astronomy and 5/5 for home reno. For various other blue commitments:
Tracking my to do list didn’t take hold as well as I had hoped (2/5);
Scanning was wiped out completely by refocus on uploading digital files to the website instead (0/5);
Backups were probably 0/5 up until yesterday when I did full backup of Andrea and my computer (4/5);
I haven’t done anything on photography, knitting, juggling, origami or a meteor shower (0/5); and,
For courses, I completed some more of the video games through Coursera, and registered in the psych course at Carleton, but most of my “study” time has been devoted to French for the last month when I was trying to get studying going again (1/5).
For the green / emotion commitments, my two big commitments were better engagement with Jacob and random acts of romance. For Jacob, the “nights with Dad” were a bust for the “activity” side of things, but he does like going out for dinner with me. Two things that were a hit? Hockey cards and Lone Star. Call it maybe 3/5. For the random acts of romance, I’ve been a deadbeat husband. Call it 0/5. Sigh. The start of the year started out okay with things like flowers and stuff, but by the end of the year, survival mode kicked in around August and I was just waiting to the end of the year on most things, which doesn’t leave me much green energy for emotive behaviour — that’s not an excuse, just an analysis of some of my internal failure.
For other activities, I did a few wing nights with the guys, but honestly, I’m the only one who organizes them, only 1 or 2 tend to come, it’s a hassle to try and pick a night when people are free even if I announce a month in advance, and while I enjoy it, it’s not worth the personal investment. I end up enjoying the people’s company who come, but disappointed that others aren’t interested. Without seeming like a pathetic loser, I wish I had more guy friend outings. I don’t “need” them, I’m too much of an introvert for that, just wish they were more spontaneous. I’ll comment more on this a bit below on another issue. On siblings, I have changed direction considerably. I was hoping to reach out more, but I honestly haven’t had the emotive energy the last six months. My one brother is spiraling, and I don’t know how to help him even if he would accept help, which he won’t; the one sister and I haven’t seen much of each other this year, just busy; and the brother in town I see even less. We skipped the corn roast party in August due to the kitchen renovation, I did some relatively minimal website support for my friend on his AstroPontiac campaign (although little for me to do lately), and I had a charity hack idea that I decided to just drop for now. It intrigues me, but too much work, not even enough resonance with me. Call all of it 0/5.
Not surprisingly, the lack of emotive energy was on full display in Peterborough over Xmas. I am not a social being by nature, and being around extra people was draining of the little energy I had left for the year. I was burned out getting to the Xmas holiday break, and really needed to recharge. That hasn’t really happened yet. I don’t get energized by emotion/social/leadership activities, the only thing that builds me back up quick is analytical / organizational work. Part of my plan for Monday (I’ll blog more about that later) but I’m glad Andrea was patient with me over Xmas…I found myself hiding out in the bedroom way more than I would normally, just to get away from people. I got some new puzzle games for my phone, and that helps too (building up my analytical energy).
However, my epic green failure for this year though was my plans for a giant project in November. I kept most of the details secret as I worked out the various issues, and it went belly up in about March/April. It was basically an awareness campaign around prostate cancer, and I did a lot of the early prep work. Enough to realize it wasn’t going to work. So I killed the campaign. I have a new idea for the coming year, one with more of a guarantee of going ahead but also with less payoff other than awareness. Time will tell if I pursue it or not, haven’t done my planning for the new year yet. About 2/5 overall, and that’s being generous.
For the red / physical / directional commitments, most of it was around being more active. That took a large backseat to some other stuff although I tried to maintain my back exercises and yoga stretches. Walking was a no, no new dentist or doctor, did do my sleep test, no for rappelling or zipline, and I’ve ditched the the polar plunge option for this year. Call all of that a big 0/5 across the board, although with some promising things in place for the new year. The one positive development of late in the red side was career-related, as I’ve been doing a lot more french work of late than previously, and I have a game plan for January onward. Quite happy with that, although far from formal progress I suppose. Call it 2/5 at best.
For the yellow / creative commitments, the giant overarching commitment was to write 500,000 words this year. Actually, that was my big commitment for the year and I came out of the corner swinging. Active blogs on development, personal experiences with Jacob, reviews of TV premieres — lots of different topics. When I ditched the “campaign” goal above in green, that killed any chance of likely reaching my writing goal for the year since much of that writing was going to be for the campaign. No campaign, no corresponding word count, and I didn’t replace it with another goal. I took the hit for it above, but I didn’t want to take the hit for it in my writing goal too, so I modified my goal partway through the year. My goal was to take my website of about up to 500K words worth of content. Not including this post, I’m going to finish off with a wordcount of around 400K, with another 25K in the pipeline. My carryover from the previous year started at 200K, dropped to 100K with a change in website design, and so about 300,000 words for the year. That is far less than my goal, but six times what I’ve ever written before. That number floors me, and despite the “shortfall”, I’m giving myself full marks for it of 5/5. I kicked ass.
Sort of…here’s the issue, and it applies to regular Facebook posts, tweets (1400+ this year, most of which were TV episode reviews), memes (200), quotes, comics sharing, and the Creativity Challenge:
Zero take-up.
I have written blogs where I poured my heart and soul into them, shared them with friends. Nada. Zilch. Rien. Nothing. Crickets chirping. Oh, sure, people read the posts, or at least opened the page. My web trackers tell me they did. Not in astronomical numbers, but a few here and there. Sometimes a couple of dozen. It’s not like I’m writing stuff for the masses, so I’m not looking for huge feedback or anything. But take the memes I was doing…some were kind of cute. 0 shares. On a good day, a couple of likes. No comments. No interactions hardly at all. Much of the year translated into shouting into a void. Let’s be clear, I’m not looking for love here. I’m looking for resonance, some sort of metric that says someone read it and thought it was at least interesting, or well-written, or even embarassingly bad. I don’t care, just something that changes it from writing in a diary and sharing things online. Like with the wing nights I mentioned above. Some sort of resonance with someone. Some basic connection.
It goes back to the basic question of who I am writing for, and while that remains nominally and predominantly myself, as I don’t write for the market and never will, whatever I’m doing, I’m not reaching ANYONE. My HR guide still remains popular, and it came together nicely for the first few chapters and I can see the rest as it’s forming, just need to find the time when I actually have the energy to write. But more importantly, I have to come to terms with my writing having zero resonance in its current form. Overall, I’ll give myself 5/5 for doing the work, and 1/5 for having it be relevant to anyone, average of 3/5, which is probably generous.
Where does that leave me for the year?
Category
Big ticket items
Little ticket items
Blue
4 / 5
1 / 5
Green
1.5 / 5
0 / 5
Red
1 / 5
0 / 5
Yellow
5 / 5
3 / 5
Overall Rating
2.875 / 5
1 / 5
Of course, I’m trying not to be completely anal about the year being less than productive since life is about balance and change, and lots of things happened over the course of the year to change the experience on the battlefield. I didn’t get to the Photobooks, but I did completely revamp 4 websites for a new hosting platform. I didn’t get to my passport renewal or compare costs between grocery stores, but I did cut the cord on cable and make a bunch of improvements to technology services in my life. I didn’t do as much studying as I wanted to, but I did figure out the list. I didn’t spend as much time with friends, but I’m better at spending time with myself again. I didn’t do as much community work, but I am now helping with a website for another community group. I didn’t give blood, but that is partly a problem with the damn blood services people being unable to answer a couple of basic questions easily, and I can’t do it at a regular blood drive — Amazon calls it removing friction from transactions, but the blood drive people have their limits that I haven’t pushed past yet. I didn’t do my exercises much this year, but I also hurt myself twice when I started doing them, so that didn’t take. Sure, I didn’t do my movie extravaganza weekend, but I did do Pop Expo again. Reading started off huge for the year, and I binge read a ton of stuff in March (enough for the year), even if it wasn’t the list I intended. Crime and Punishment stopped me cold so I have to get that going again. Ditched the spiritualism and gratitude journal, but we are at least saying grace more regularly. Recipes went out the window for my involvement, but Andrea did a bunch of new ones we tried for Epicure in the fall and some were good enough to add to the rotation. Balance, trade offs. They happen.
I said at the beginning that I was smack dab in the middle of two competing paradigms. The first is the “epic failure” idea, i.e. that I did so poorly on my ambitious agenda to be PolyWogg 4.0. At best, I was PolyWogg 3.0 still. Maybe, maybe 3.1 in some areas. Certainly not 4.0.
The other idea though came from an article I read in the Harvard Business Review about a guy who did this odd career coach thing where people in all stages of development do a feedback session, and the “candidates” make a presentation about themselves to a group of critics/evaluators. Then, the critics give them summary feedback, the equivalent of a tweet to rate what they said (not how they said it, but what they’ve accomplished, their “story” if you will). One guy outlined all his accomplishments, professional successes, etc., and the youngest one in the feedback group gave his feedback — “Nice start”. At first the guy was really put out by it, almost dismissive, and then he realized the truth bomb — the kid was saying, “So what are doing with it now? What’s next? Why is the story relevant?”.
For me, I don’t know the “why”. I only know the general direction at the moment. I’ve figured out the who for the journey (myself, Jacob and Andrea); the what and how are clear in the short-term (some of the key areas I want to work on); the where is Ottawa; and the when shifts (sometimes NOW, sometimes “I’ll get to it later”). But the “why”? I want to know where my story goes too. Because what I’ve done is a nice start, and I took a few more steps this year, but the destination is still out of sight.
